SURVIVOR: COMPTON

I'm about done with Reality TV.

Reality, my ass. The REAL WORLD? Oh, please....a handpicked crew of extras from a Bennetton ad, living rent-free in a fucking penthouse full of Ikea furniture and going on exotic roadtrips & hosting huge parties, and getting just drunk enough to fuck their gorgeous castmates and start a blood fued with the Bad Boy character? Horseshit. You want the Real World? Put 4 starving, unattractive college kids together in a rat-hole tenement with milk-crate & cinder-block furniture, pulling together penny rolls to buy a six-pack of PapSmear Blue Ribbon Beer, and working crap jobs at a pizza place to pay the rent. That's the real real world. In the real world, you have bills & shitty jobs and at least one doofy room mate who sits around in his undies playing Warcraft or some crap on the Playstation.

Survivor? More bullshit. They act like everyone is starving & eaten alive by leeches, but I guarantee you, someone is slipping the camera guy a knobjob for a Snickers and a Pepsi. You want Survivor? Drop these clowns off naked on an island with nothing but a sharpened stick and some string for 30 days. Whoever is still alive at the end is the survivor. Or better yet, drop them off covered in 50 dollar bills and wearing a white hood in Compton. Whoever makes it to Hollywood is the winner.

And Fear Factor? Oh please...more like Nasty Factor. A show that has the formula of: Pretty people do a stunt with 250 percent more protection than a stuntman gets, then eat something so fucking nasty that even Joseph Mengele and Jeffrey Dahmer would cringe, and then do another stunt. I could see if things were always based around real, rational fears, like spiders, snakes, rats, lawyers, and heights, but who wakes up in the morning with a phobic, irrational fear of eating a pig's uterus? OH, NO! I hope I don't get forced to eat a horse's asshole today!!!! I may not get out of bed!!! The earthworm and congealed blood pizzas might find me!

How about Peer Factor? Where your friends egg you on to do dumber & dumber shit? Or Beer Factor, where you get so drunk you'll do anything? First one to pass out & shit their pants without dying of alcohol poisoning is the winner. Or Queer Factor? Where 5 totally homophobic contestants have to do progressively gayer & gayer things until they find themselves naked in a hot tub with Carson Kressley and Steven Cojocaru?