The Great Doggy DNA Caper

Not long ago I made mention in one of my blogs about the severe backlog of cases that are being delayed on DNA evidence. The police labs are so overwhelmed that they can’t keep up with the volume of DNA evidence to be tested. I also said that private labs should be required as part of their certification and licensing to do a certain amount of pro-bono testing to assist the police, for the good of the people, as pro-bono implies. Lawyers do it, so why not DNA labs? Give a little back to the community, and the community gives back to you, at least ostensibly.

Imagine my dismay and consternation to find out last week that since the cost of DNA testing has plummeted, concerned dog owners can now send off a sample of their pup’s DNA, either through the mail or even at their vet’s office, and for about $80.00 find out exactly what breeds make up the genetic background of their canine companion. I’m serious. No shit. People are awaiting DNA tests on death-penalty cases, and DNA labs are testing cheek swabs on the beloved pooch that drinks from your toilet and licks its own balls.

I guess if you spend a couple thousand bucks for a seriously purebred showpiece breeding animal, I can possibly see wanting to screen the critter to make sure you’re getting what you paid for. But that’s a want, not a need. That’s low-priority stuff to me. But the crux of the Doggy DNA movement is so that curious owners of mixed-breed mutts can see what ingredients their Heinz-57 is concocted from. Is it half Lab, half Chihuahua, or half Lab, half Jack Russell? Or is it a third Lab, a third Jack Russell, and a third Chihuahua? Like it fucking matters……

I guess with the advent and rise in popularity of these fruity designer dogs, ie: Labradoodles, Cockapoos, and Puggles, now owners want to make sure their hybrids are actually what the recipe called for. What’s this you say, Steve? What are these breeds of which you speak? A cockapoo is the mutant cross between a cocker spaniel and a miniature poodle. It just screams KICK ME. A Labradoodle is a skinny Lab with a slightly curly coat, the result of mixing a standard poodle with a Lab. It looks like the canine equivalent of one of the Village People, manly yet effete. And a puggle is the newest designer house pet, made by breeding a pug with a beagle. It’s almost cute in a creepy way.

I suppose I could make a fortune breeding new designer creatures and selling them on E-Bay. The American Sheeple will buy anything if a celebrity owns it, so if some lackwit like Paris or Lohan should decide to pay several thousand dollars for one of my hybrid Mengele Monsters, my fortune is made. Maybe I can just give them away initially as Rehab Gifts…..y’know, spend 30 days in rehab, get a puppy. Better yet, serve your entire jail sentence, get a free dog. That’s hot……

We’ll mix a Chihuahua with an Akita and have an angry little Chikita. We can breed German Shepherds with Chocolate Labs for the German Chocolate. Maybe mix a Great Pyrenees with a Scottish terrier for a Great Scot. Cross a Scottish deerhound and a Blue Tick Hound for a Deer Tick. Or throw the whole world askew by the great combination of a Bulldog and a Shit Tzu…….the Bullshit. Fetch me my test tubes!