If it's Thursday, this must be Paris

There was an old adage that went “I used t be disgusted; now I’m just amused.” Well, now I can reverse that little maxim. I started off amused by the media circus surrounding Paris Hilton’s legal; woes. Now I’m just patently disgusted. This is the biggest fiasco to rock/mock the American legal system since Michael Jackson moonwalked on the roof of an SUV after complaining of back problems or OJ Simpson’s farce of a trial.

After serving approximately 3 (yes, t-h-r-e-e, as in one less than two) days of what started as a 45 day sentence for a second offense of driving under suspension after her DUI was reduced to alcohol-related reckless driving, America’s favorite po’ lil’ rich girl was released by the LA County sheriff due to her “health problems”. Please, just kill me now. Health problems? I think she was just al skeeved out from having to be around so many poor people. Maybe her body was rebelling against 3 meals a day of fatty greasy prison food. I’m sure that corned beef hash and watery eggs are a far cry from rice cakes, Red Bull, and Vicodin.

Since the original 45 day sentence was reduced to 23 days, and LA County’s jails are so overcrowded that non-violent offenders are being released on ankle-monitored house arrest after serving 10% of their sentences, as lame as it sound it was actually kosher for the sheriff to send her home after serving 2 and a half days. The rest of the sentence will have to be served poolside at her cozy mansion, which I assure you ain’t located in the Siberian gulag archipelago.

So the, the judge who sentenced her sticks his nose back in it, demanding that Hilton be returned to custody, even though once an inmate enters the jail system, it’s the sheriff who has ultimate authority over their disposition. This added another ring to an already busy circus.

Hilton gets clapped in irons and is led away back to jail crying inconsolably and calling for her mommy. How quaint. And of course, the ever-present paparazzi were hovering like tsetse flies on a freshly-gutted wildebeest carcass. One of them took off after her departing police transport at a dead sprint trying to get one more picture. His Olympic-quality footrace was caught on film by one of the news choppers overhead in what must have been the largest helicopter invasion since the filming of Blackhawk Down. The mass hysteria was pathetic and also ironic, in that there was such a feeding frenzy generated by such a meatless morsel.

So now she’s back in Da’ Slammer…Since she was so well-behaved during her first abbreviated stay, she earned 5 days good time off of her sentence. Yeah, serving 3 days earned her 5 days off. Five, as in one more than 4. I guess you get a day & a half for every day you serve. She’s due out sometime around the 26th, barring a Presidential pardon and canonization by Pope Benedict.

I actually saw some whiny liberal dickhead lawyer wonk on TV last week frothing at the mouth about how if anything Paris has been given much harsher treatment than a non-celebrity, and spouting some such drivel about how the average person wouldn’t get jail for a first DUI or a 45-day sentence for driving under suspension, and nonsensical crap about her being held most cruelly & unusually in solitary confinement, blah blah blah.

Shut your festering gobbet, you tree-hugging ACLU douche.

Fisrt of all, you most certainly can get jail time for a first time DUI. I’ve seen it happen. Secondly, if the average non-celebrity schmuck got busted for a second driving under suspension charge after a DUI, we’d get more than 45 days; probably closer to 90. And solitary confinement? No. She got her own private cell in a special unit away from the general population. Therefore, she never had to mingle with the rabble. Would you rather have seen her in G-Pop at the tender mercies of 5 or 6 cellmates? Believe me, ass-cricket, just because she’s emaciated doesn’t mean she was just liberated from Buchenwald. She came that was from those two enabling asshats who birthed her.

And now that she’s back in custody she’s still not in a regular cell. Her apparent mental health degradation now has her relegated to being kept in a special care ward at a cost of about 1100 bucks a day, which is about 10 times the cost that taxpayers bear for incarcerating an average prisoner. However, she’s due to be moved to her original facility tonight.

She issued a statement saying that she wasn’t going to appeal her sentence and that she hoped that the media would instead focus on “the men & women serving in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other places around the world.” Whoa. That’s the most mature and intelligent thing I’ve ever heard her utter, and it leads me to believe that she’s actually learned something from all this and has a shot at redemption.

Hey, Paris. Tell you what: I’ll lighten up on you if you’ll start devoting some of your time and fame to a worthwhile veteran’s cause like the D.A.V. or the U.S.O. . Instead of inspiring America’s teen population to party all night and act like spoiled brats, you can help get them interested in giving something back to the military families who make it possible for them to be free to party. Supporting the troops? Now that’s hot.