The Secrets of Harry Potter VII Revealed!!!!!!

Through many means various, nefarious, hilarious, spurious, and somewhat dubious, I was able to trade nuggets of raw yellow cake uranium (which I’d gotten in trade for several dozen bricks of uncut black-tar heroin) to a shifty, lisping French Communist named Poussaint for several bootleg copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

So…here be spoilers!!!!!


Turns out McGonagall and Filch murdered Dumbeldore and blamed it on Voldemort to keep the news quiet that Dumbeldore was about to be arrested as the leader of a child-porn ring. Scotland Yard, working in conjunction with inquisitors from Azkaban intercepted naked pictures of Draco Malfoy being sent by owl to a Catholic priest in Boston who is the clandestine president of NAMBLA.

Hagrid gives up magic, and shacks up with Sir Elton John.

Ron finally shags Hermoine after they get piss-drunk on absinthe stolen from Snape’s potions. They film it and upload in on YouTube, calling it “Hogwart’s Pie”. The best line in the clip was “This one time, at Magic Camp, I stuck a Nimbus 2000 up me bum…”

Neville Longbottom joins the Army and is assigned as Prince Harry’s bodyguard in Afghanistan, trading one Harry for another. He uses his magic to find and capture Osama Bin Laden, and after receiving a knighthood from the Queen, Neville is up to his eyelids in hot women.

Sirius Black finds his lost twin brother XM Black, and together they form a satellite-based magic school with Professor Howard Stern.

The Sorting Hat at Hogwarts is revealed to be Don Rickles.

And then there’s Harry… Harry Potter defeats Voldemort, graduates Hogwarts as valedictorian, and receives a full scholarship to Oxford where he intends to study art history. He gets engaged to Cho Chung after knocking her up, and is nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for ridding the world of Evil. While attending a seminar in Paris, Potter is killed by a suicide bomber who mistakenly ran into the wrong banquet hall, thinking it was the Michael Moore/Al Gore Global Warming lunch next door. Single mom Cho Chung becomes depressed and develops a nasty meth habit, making ends meet by being a contestant on Flavor of Love 8 on VH-1. Young Baby Potter is taken away by Social Services and eventually is adopted by a couple in rural eastern Kentucky who name him Cletus and use his magic to cheat on their taxes and make moonshine.

Now go buy the book and read it, you loser....stop looking for cheats on the internet.