Another week in Maximum Musical Suckage

Another week, another mixed experience in pop radio…not as much crap this time around. Maybe I’m mellowing with the coming of fall…or maybe pop music is entering a less-sucky phase of the moon…nah……I doubt it. But some of the latest round of gobbledygook crappage crawls forth from the muck, mire, of ooze of Maximum Suckage to be somewhat catchy…and you know what I say about catchy. Herpes is catchy too, but you don’t want it.

Jason Mraz—I’m Yours
What is this crap? Usually Mraz is decently listenable, but this syrupy drivel reminds me of that cover of “Over The Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole that everyone raves about. I keep expecting a 700-pound Hawaiian dude with a ukulele to show up.

Britney Spears—Womanizer
One of the catchier offerings this week. Processed vocals that are so many octaves lower than her usual range that it almost doesn’t even sound human, let alone like her. Not exactly the cleverest lyrics and the chorus is borderline silly with it’s semi-stutter delivery. The video serves no real purpose other than to show Spears as naked as possible to show everyone that her hair grew back and her pudginess is gone, putting to bed the train wreck of her MTV VMA’s performance last year.

Christina Agiuilera—Keeps Getting Better
What better way to promote your “greatest hits” album than by combining overly simple lyrics about being a “super bitch” delivered in a pretty convincing attempt at being Gwen Stefani over top of what sounds like a lost demo track to Depeche Mode’s “Personal Jesus”?

The Jonas Brothers—Love Bug
So sweet it makes my teeth hurt. Absolute crap. This has even less balls than Jason Mraz’s song.

Fallout Boy—I Don’t Care
Emo’s answer to Barenaked Ladies seems to have spent 30 seconds listening to Marylin Manson’s cover of “Personal Jesus” and conceived yet another overwrought rock opera.

T-Pain featuring Lil’ Wayne—I Can’t Believe It
I established months ago that T-Pain writes some of the lamest shit this side of a Kanye West guest rap, only he squirts it all out of a vocoder because he can’t sing either.

Akon—Right Now (Na Na)
I’m pretty well sick of Akon. This song is simple to the point of annoyance, and it’s pretty to the point…I wanna make love right now na na….how now brown cow na na na na

TI—Whatever You Like
This song is infectious. I actually like it. Never has a song about being some chick’s sugar daddy been so smooth.

Pitbull featuring Lil’ Jon—Krazy
Let me preface this by saying that Lil’ Jon could sing Happy Birthday and I’d think it was a masterpiece. The guy is a fucking riot. Throw him together with a Cuban-American rapper and hilarity ensues. This song is just plain silliness, a great party track that could make Stephen Hawking get up and dance.

September—Cry For You
Kick-ass synthpop by Swedish singer Petra Marklund, who records under the name September. The track is built around the synth line from Bronski Beat’s 1984 single “Smalltown Boy”. If you like to dance, this track is for you.

And my Pick of the Week:

Mirror, featuring Dave Gahan—Nostalgia
The audio-visual project Mirror enlisted Depeche Mode’s front man Dave Gahan to sing this sweeping, gorgeous soundscape. It’s an incredible vocal by Dave, who seems to just get younger every year now that he’s clean & sober. It’s not quite as brooding as a Depeche Mode track, and almost reminds me of Morrissey’s better ballads, like “I Know It’s Gonna Happen Someday”.