Horses Taste Like Chicken

To paraphrase an old movie title, they eat horses don’t they?

I read a bothersome A.P. bit in the newspaper a couple days ago. It seems that the US House of Representatives voted to ban the slaughter of horses for meat. The article, by Libby Quaid, was full of interestingly irksome information.

Most bothersome is that how, with oil prices through the roof, brave young Americans getting killed daily by third world jihadists, and Iran waving the nuclear flag around, Congress has found the time to debate the merits of horses as the other other other white meat.

The article stated that, “Opponents of the practice showed pictures of horses with lacerated & bloodied faces, the result of being crammed into trailers”. Y’know, kids, the same things happen to cows and pigs when they go to slaughter, but no one’s mentioning that little tidbit. Anyways, we’re carting you off to be ground into burgers, but you might have gotten a cut on the way? Sure, makes sense.

Representative John Sweeney, a New York Republican, argued that the slaughter of horses is different from that of cattle and chickens because horses are American icons. I beg to differ, Congressman. The bald eagle is an American icon. The horse is an American load-bearing beast of burden and occasional afternoon payoff at Churchill Downs. The closest thing horses get to being American icons is that they hauled around white Europeans as they killed off native tribal nations and stole their lands, but I digress.

Embarrassingly, South Carolina Democrat John Spratt, who represents my adopted home state’s Fifth Congressional District, said, “They’re as close to human as any animal can get.”. Holy shit, are you for real? Try the Bonobo Chimp, John. A little closer genetically, so sayeth I. Hell, we only share 98% of our DNA with them. How about that opposable thumb, Congressman? To the contrary, only a small number of people are genetically close to horses…we call them porn stars.

And herein lays the crux of the matter, as stated by Republican Christopher Shays of Connecticut: “The way a society treats its animals, particularly horses, speaks to the core values and morals of its citizens.” No, you delusional asshat; the way a society treats its military veterans (like shit), treats its poor and middle class (like shit), and funds its educational systems (like shit) speaks of our core values and morals.

No, our core values and morals don’t want us to kill horses because they’re pretty. America loves pretty things. If horses weren’t so cute, we’d eat them with special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, & onion, on a sesame seed bun, super-sized with fries & a Coke. Instead, the less attractive animals like cows, pigs, and chickens, get consumed by the megaton, and no one says Boo. Actor/comedian Denis Leary, who by his own words represents angry, gun-toting, meat-eating people, said it best when he said “We only want to save the cute animals, folks”.

This might explain why the same newspaper had a mention of the Phoenix, Arizona police arresting a scumbag serial rapist buried on page 12, while the front page had the DUI arrest of notorious waste of skin Paris Hilton on the front page. If anyone could use a double horseburger with cheese, it’s that wretched excuse of a human being. That’s hot…