Monday, April 17, 2006

Wutz a Bawlzy?

Wutz a Bawlsy?

With these three words, “What’s a ballsy?” American Idol contestant Kellie Pickler surpassed Jessica Simpson as The Dumbest Bitch Alive. Never did I think that I’d hear someone say something dumber than Simpson’s diatribe on whether Chicken of the Sea was fish or chicken. No one can be this damned stupid. I live in the Deep South, and I’m confronted with uneducated ignorance daily, and I’ve lived in rural Maine amongst Yankee Rednecks, yet I have yet to physically run up against Capital-D DUMB of this caliber in person. Not even innocent naiveté could cause a rational adult human to continually spew forth dumb-isms about calamari, salmon, spinach salads, being labeled a minx, the terms “ballsy” and “on paper”, and whatever shucky-darn down-home crapola we’ll see this week on American Idol, or as I like to call it: Televised Crack for the Suburban Masses.

I’m starting to agree with the various conspiracy theory websites that Miss Pickler is bullshitting us all with her feigned folksy innocence. She seems to have lied about never having performed in public, and if you’ve ever seen her prom picture, innocent is a word that never comes to mind. I’ve seen hookers in Germany wearing more clothes.

So here’s my list of the Top Ten Things Pickler Could Say Next:

10. What’s a Korean Basket Job?
09. What’s a Money Shot? Is that like a rim job?
08. What’s a Pre-Op Tranny?
07. What’s a Tijuana Donkey Show?
06. What’s Rollin’ a Fatty?
05. What’s a Dirty Sanchez?
04. What’s a Teabag?
03. What’s a Shart?
02. What’s a Crunk?
01. What’s a Haggis?

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