Sunday, January 27, 2008

Rap, 'Roids, and Rock & Roll

I find it funny that in addition to all the finger-pointing going on about the alleged use of steroids in baseball, additional fingers are being pointed at, I kid you not, the record industry, most notably rapper 50 Cent, R&B singers Mary J. Blige and Wyclef Jean, and producer Tim “Timbaland” Mosley. Author & actor Tyler Perry has even had fingers pointed at him.

In the past, similar speculations and accusations were made about comic actor-turned bulked-up non-entity Joe Piscopo, aging mumbler and sequel-maker Sylvester Stallone, and nasally-voiced former wrestler-turned-Playboy model Joanie “Chyna” Laurer. Stallone admits he uses HGH and takes testosterone. Piscopo has repeatedly denied the allegations and says he began a campaign to improve himself after battling thyroid cancer from 1981 to 1982. He also appeared in anti-steroid public service announcements. Laurer is a former pro bodybuilder and denies ever using steroids.

Back to the musicians. Look, kids, these people do not lead what you and I lead as a normal life. They don’t have normal 9-5 jobs. After photo shoots and interviews, if they aren’t making a CD or perhaps doing a show, they kinda have the bulk of the day to spend in the gym with a very expensive trainer. They aren’t up at 6AM to fight traffic on an hour-long commute to a crappy office cubicle to file reports all day for under 30K a year. In between albums & tours, wtf else have they got to do but work out? And unlike sports stars, would “juicing” be as big a deal since they don’t exactly need an athletic competitive edge to sell more abums?

I guess the fingers need to be pointed to other likely candidates for steroid use in music:

Rock legend Mick Jagger

Techno guru Moby

REM singer Michael Stipe

Country crooner Dwight Yoakam

The artist formerly known as Prince who changed his name to a symbol and is now known as Prince again after realizing no one could pronounce the symbol

Evil hench-cat Mister Bigglesworth

However, maybe some other fingers need to be pointed at other guys, like maybe noted rage-a-holic and rehab freakshow Danny Bonaduce, and “comedian” Carrot Top, who looks like he was dropped off here by aliens trying like hell to create a lab experiment to blend in with humans to learn our secrets.

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