Something new to read

Who's got your back? I do.

When I first started this blog I struggled for a long time to find my niche, not so much my voice but more rather what exactly the focus of my writing would be about. As you well know by now most of my writing is Conservative Politics and commentary on The Stupid People of the World but I often stray off the map and venture into music and culture.

Back in the olden days when I was in that struggle phase, I made a somewhat weak attempt to start what I had hoped would be a regular feature on the site, that of me doling out helpful advice to guys on how to look decent without spending a lot of money, and just general handy tips on getting by in today's hectic world.

It failed. I don't think either article I posted ever really got read, and was certainly never commented upon by anyone. Ergo, the idea died almost in utero.

Fast forward six years and I've exhumed the body, hooked up the electrodes, and resurrected the zombie.

Yes, indeed, ever the glutton for punishment, I have started a second blog site to regale you with my wit and wisdom. I am your Virtual Wingman. Who's got your back? I do.

The new page is called The Savvy Guyde, a guy's guide to being savvy without the overbearing condescension of most advice pages, without the hefty price tags associated with most lifestyle publications, and without the overglossed underfed pretty-boy fashion rag attitude.

I'll be covering a lot of topics in upcoming articles like tips on shaving, especially shaving your head bald without shredding your scalp, how to pack a Go Kit for you single guys out there (hey, I was single once too), the tricky subject of The Man Purse, proper accessories for your wardrobe, and even the occasional recipe for guys who can burn water. Trust me, I have a single buddy my age in Florida who laments almost daily his inability to do anything in the kitchen besides bake a boneless chicken breast. I'm no James Beard Award chef, but I'm pretty handy in the kitchen.

By no means does this signal the death of Global Domination Through Applied Inactivity. I've spent six-plus years building this place up to almost 700,000 hits and a couple hundred readers. I'm not gonna drop that modicum of success just to work this new project. This just means I have to work twice as hard as before.

So, please wander on over and take a gander at the new page. Feel free to follow it too. Love me and make me famous.

The Mojosexual Haircut

Okay…Like I said before, it’s my intention to give a few lifestyle tips to you fellas out there, guys who may be a little more high-maintenance than the average schlub but don’t want to be a priss. You guys are, like me, Mojosexuals.

I’m a blue-collar guy with white-collar sensitivities. I like to take care of myself without being a fop, and definitely without spending oodles of cash. I think if you pay more than 15 bucks for a haircut, you should be punched in the throat for being blatantly stupid, especially if you’re finicky about your hair (like me) and get it cut often, and by often I mean more than once a month. Perhaps we’ll start with hair, then.

The only people who pay more than 15 bucks for a haircut are Hollyweird types and Presidential-wannabe John Edwards, who twice let the Democratic National Convention pick up the $400 tab for his haircuts. New York “stylist” Orlando Pita charges $800.00. In Manhattan, a moderately-priced snip can be $125.00. I recently read where the average price of a haircut in America is $45.00, according to the Professional Beauty Association. That’s freakin’ nuts. It’s HAIR, people. It grows, you cut it, end of story. I average a haircut every 5 weeks or so, which on average would mean 10 haircuts a year. If I was a dolt who paid 45 skins for every snip, that’s $450 before tips. That’s just about one haircut shy of the cost of a full-game season-ticket package to the South Carolina Stingrays. See? There are better things to spend your ducats on than haircuts.

Now, I’m sure than not many of you keep your hair as short as I do. By personal choice, I generally keep mine at ¼ inch on the sides and ½ inch on top, or what’s left on top. Personally, the easiest way to accomplish this is to lean over the sink while my wife shaves my head with a set of clippers. Total cost: free.

However, were I to be still paying for haircuts, I would certainly not be dropping 45 a trim. The Mojosexual Male doesn’t frequent mall salons like The Hair Cuttery or Fantastic Sams. I have nothing against those places, but face it, the real reason that you pay that much isn’t because you’re getting some extra-special haircut. There’s the Shampoo Girl, and a stylist with a succulent ass and hair teased up to the rafters selling sex as well as a haircut. Then there’s Sports Clips, preying upon the idiot male psyche by advertising that you can get a haircut while you watch sports. Please…how fucking insecure in your own manhood must you be that you require a salon full of cheerleaders cutting your hair surrounded by sports paraphernalia on the walls and mountains of TV’s playing non-stop sports. Oh, plus they do steamed towels and a neck/shoulder massage too. Gee, how much for a Happy Ending? A trim and some trim? You’re there for a 15-minute haircut, not a 4-hour football game.

You’re getting a haircut, not getting your coif styled. No bangs, no feathers and wings, and sure as hell no mullets. Look in the phone book and find a good, old-fashioned barber shop, full of old-school professionals who were cutting hair when you were a tadpole. There’s a lot of wisdom to be gleaned from a conversation with a barber while you’re in the chair, kinda like a bartender but safe to drive home afterwards. If you’re in the Charleston SC area, I highly recommend Uncle’s Barbershop on Dorchester Road by the Air Force base. That was my official barbershop before Crys started cutting mine.

Look, you don’t need some chick washing your hair before it gets cut. Wash it yourself, snapperhead. You’re paying for a haircut, not a feel-up with bewbz in your face. Go buy a lap-dance, you desperate perv. And if it’s still so long after being cut that it requires blow-drying afterwards, then you didn’t get it cut. Try again, Fabio.

As far as taking care of your hair goes, short Mojo hair requires very little maintenance other than a decent shampoo. I suggest using something with a built-in conditioner, but should you require the occasional extra dose of conditioner, Fructis makes a really good one that comes in what looks like a wee green baseball, called Fortifying Deep Conditioner.

Do I have suggestions for hair gels and goops and other such nonsense? Not really, since Mojosexual Males aren’t THAT high-maintenance, and my hair hasn’t been long enough to gel in about 7 or 8 years anyways. However, if you insist on spiking up whatever hair you have left after a manly inexpensive haircut, try Bedhead Manipulator, Abba Forming Polish, or Loreal Crystal Wax.

Maintaining a good haircut shouldn’t break the bank. There’s more intelligent things to spend your dough on and you don’t wanna look like you just stepped out of a Winger video from 1990. That's not a good thing.

Definition of a Mojosexual

About 4 years ago, after I kicked everyone’s ass in a game of Battle of the Sexes, my cousin’s boyfriend (now her husband) joked to me that I was “one sexual preference away from being a raging homosexual”. I wasn’t offended and took the comment in the spirit in which it was intended. I knew what he meant.

I’m an avowed, strict, devout heterosexual. Of that there’s never been a doubt in my mind. But there are a lot of habits and mannerisms I have that over the years have caused others to kinda wonder at times. I’m a little high-maintenance about my grooming and clothes at times. I like to shop, I’m a good cook on an eclectic experimental level and I watch FoodTV, I never played any sports in school, I don’t really like strip clubs, I know a bit about wines, I own a kilt, and as they said in the film Steel Magnolias, all gay men have track lighting and all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve. Well…..I don’t have track lighting but I do like it, and we already know my name.

But then you look into my music collection. I’ve always been a huge fan of synth-pop and club music, basically the average playlist at most gay clubs. Bands like Erasure, Depeche Mode, Pet Shop Boys, Morrissey, and The Cure don’t exactly conjure up images of manly hunters and Viking warriors. It gets especially bad when I start singing along to ABBA.

A couple years ago there was a term bandied about that was pretty trendy, the word “metrosexual”. Metrosexual is a word describing men who have a strong concern for their aesthetic appearance, and spend a substantial amount of time and money on their images and lifestyles. In an article at Salon.com, writer Mark Simpson stated "The typical metrosexual is a young man with money to spend, living in or within easy reach of a metropolis – because that's where all the best shops, clubs, gyms and hairdressers are."

I looked at being “metro” as an interesting nomenclature. Straight guys in touch with the finer aesthetics in life, as opposed to knuckle-dragging uber-male assholes in tatterred jeans & flip flops and their douchebag sidekicks. But there were just a few snags…

It’s hard to be a self-absorbed Metro when you’re: A) Not self-absorbed, and B) not posessing an unlimited supply of disposeable income to pamper one’s self with. Instead, I offer you, the Modern Man of the Milennium, a new and improved social label with which to grace yourself. If you’re between 21 and 45, concerned about being stylish without looking like a total foppish douchebag, and want to take care of yourself without breaking the bank or seeming like Richard Simmons, I have your new label. Doesn’t matter whether you’re straight, bi, gay, or like to self-gratify using pats of nootrishus butter, I have your label. You, my friend, are the Mojosexual Male.

The Mojosexual is a guy who has flair without being ostentatious, is well-read and able to acclimate to any social situation, and takes care of himself without busting the bank. A Mojosexual Male looks good without looking high-maintenance, and more importantly, without truly acting or being high maintenance. Being labeled Metro died a couple years ago after Queer Eye For The Straight Guy crapped out and the newness of the word faded. The Mojosexual is a classicly modern Rennaissance Man unconcerned about trendy crap.

In homage to Glenn O’Brien, The Style Guy for GQ Magazine, I want to extend my services to my loyal readers. In the coming weeks I’ll teach you, my Mojo Minions, with tips on how to take care of your skin, how to shave without looking like you were raped by a cheese grater, how to tame that mop you call hair, how to accessorize your wardrobe on a working man’s budget, maybe learn ya’ a bit about wine and good food, and answer any style questions you might have. Feel free to email any lifetsyle questions to me at steve@lightningman.org . The Mojosexual Males demand to be heard, and I’m listening.