Paula Abdul to join the Spice Girls as Vicodin Spice?

And now the world mourns the loss of Paula Abdul as a judge on American Idol.








(insert dramatic pause here)








Whoopty shit.

The world will still spin on its axis tomorrow. We’ll all live.


Seriously, people. Ya’ll act like this is news of substance. I actually thought she was bluffing, claiming to leave to get more money from the Idol producers. I mean, after all, Seacrest makes more money than she does, and he’s not a judge. Paula wanted 20 million and they offered ten. Seacrest is getting 15 mill a year for the next 3 years, plus he has a day job. Simon Cowell makes money hand over fist, as much as 144 million dollars to stick around. That’s just freaking insane. A hundred forty-four m-i-l-l-i-o-n clams to sit there and be mean and opinionated and snarky? Hell, where do I get a job like that?


Of course, Cowell is back, Randy’s back, and Kara DioGuardi is back.

She's baaaaaaaaaaaack!

The show might suck a bit this year without Paula. She’s an effing trainwreck. I mean, who’s gonna cry and say “You’re so pretty” and babble incoherently through a Vicodin haze?

You gotta admit, the more trashed she was the better the show was.

And to replace Paula? Someone thought it would be a grand idea to replace her with Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham. But…why?

Let’s replace a slightly emaciated washed-up former pop star from the 80’s with a really emaciated washed up former pop star from the 90’s? Brilliant!

I love how someone who is there to judge people on their potential to be the next great pop star hadn’t had a relevant hit in the Top 20 since 1992, when “Will You Marry Me?” hit #19. Her last two singles, 2008’s “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” and 2009’s “I’m Just Here For The Music” made 62 and 87, respectively.

Her replacement was part of a group that had a slew of hits in the UK. In fact, of 13 Spice Girls singles, 11 went to #1 in the UK; the other two were #2 and #11. That worst showing was for their reunion single in 2007. Then again, that song made #90 here in the USA, and they hadn’t had a Top 40 hit here since 1998. Posh released four solo singles herself and while they were hits in the UK, they went nowhere in the States. Which begs the question...

She could use her paychecks from Idol to buy a damn cheeseburger or five. Or she could start buying foreign babies like Madonna and Anjelina.

Riddle me this…the show is AMERICAN Idol, no? We’re ostensibly looking for America’s next big pop star, and now two out of four judges are Brits. Why are we relying on British judges to pick who we’ll hear on the radio every 37 minutes till we can no longer stand them?

The TV is verily riddled with British judges. “America’s Got Talent” has Sharon Osbourne and Piers Morgan. And the man behind Idol, Nygel Lythgoe, is a judge on “So You Think You Can Dance?” Have we truly become that braindead that we need the snarky opinions of someone with an English accent to pick the trite shit we watch or listen to, or a screaming British chef to teach people how to cook while selfsame asshole screams at them?

This could be the year that Idol jumps the shark, but I’ve said that before.

The economy is in the shitter and we're being force-fed socialism, and yet THIS is the big news story?

Idolatry and Shark Jumping

I feel a tad insulted today.

In what could be the best slice of irony that I’ve seen in a long time, Wednesday night’s American Idol episode featured a performance by judge/punching bag/Vicodin-munching rambler Paula Abdul, debuting her new single “I’m Just Here For The Music”.

For a show that’s ostensibly all about singing and vocal performance, isn’t it a slap in the face of every contestant and an insult to our intelligence for Paula to have the audacity to lip-sync her performance? It was painfully obvious that she was phoning it in, despite the lightning-fast camera-angle changes every 3 seconds.

Then again, there are currently thousands of people paying hundreds of dollars to watch Britney Spears basically grind up on a stripper pole miming a medley of her songs so the American public is just stupid enough to accept this chicanery.

Later in the same episode, Gwen Stefani sang live with her band No Doubt, and you knew it was live. Later still, Idol alumnus Chris Daughtry and his band debuted their new single, and they were also live.

It was a little over a year ago that Abdul last attempted to be relevant to pop music again with “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow”, lip-syncing it on the Super Bowl while fellow Idol judge Randy Jackson mimed playing the bass like it was 1986 and he was still in Journey, minus the giant 80’s mullet-perm flat top.


At least Paula was sober during the show; a few of this year’s episodes made me wonder. She went off on these rambling semi-coherent rants, all glassy-eyed like she’d been chewing Vicodins like TicTacs.


Last night also saw a grave mistake by America by voting off Allison Iraheta, the high-schooler with the giant voice and even bigger potential and star appeal. I hope she fares better than another Idol contestant with similar cherry Kool-Aid colored hair. Nikki McKibbin was the hottest little sexy thing this side of buttered toast, and last year she was on Celebrity Rehab with Drew Pinsky. She was third overall on season one; Iraheta finishes fourth this year.

America instead has all guys as a final three.

By all rights, after butchering Aerosmith’s “Dream On”, Danny Gokey should have been sent packing. I like Danny and was sucked in by his heart-wrenching story of competing shortly after the death of his wife, but while I initially loved his voice I’m now finding that all his performances sound the same: pretty one-dimensional and limited by his gravelly voice. He can always sing jingles for Lens Crafters if he doesn’t win. I shit you not, there’s a website where you can buy Gokey’s myriad assortment of eyeglass frames, as well as other Gokey-related trinkets, with 10% of the sales going to the Sophia’s Heart Foundation, named after Gokey’s deceased wife. The site claims no affiliation to Gokey or the foundation. www.dannygokeygear.com


Kris Allen has a great voice and always surprises me by his creativity with arrangements and song choices, but he has the stage presence and charisma of a Styrofoam cup. Reminds me of a grown up version of last year’s runner-up, David Archuleta, who has a great voice and the stage presence of cat litter.


And then there’s the judge’s little darling, Adam Lambert. He’s pretty to the point of being effeminate, and while he’s super-talented, that caterwauling falsetto wail of his is like nails on my mental chalkboard. An unstoppable juggernaut, he’ll soon be overplayed on every Top-40 station in America. Get your eyeliner ready.


In my humble, yet correct, opinion, Idol jumps the shark every year and then reinvents itself. They caught shit for all the bashing they did to people in the audition shows, so they cut back on the bad auditions and tantrums, which was honestly the best part of the season really. They kept bringing on these musical guest judges and mentors who were completely and utterly irrelevant to today’s pop music, like Tony Bennett and Barry Manilow; great artists in their day but so far removed from the pop landscape that they stand out like whores in church…whores with extensive facelifts and fake tans.

This year they’ve been a bit better about their “mentors”, even bringing in guitar guru Slash this past week, and they’ve made attempts to boost ratings by bringing in various contemporary music artists to perform current singles during the shows. They’d never allow an aspiring rapper to be a finalist on Idol, yet they brought in Kanye West, and it was amusing that they let Jamie Foxx sing “Blame It On The Alcohol” to all the little kids watching. And of course they have to bring out any and all Idol alums who are releasing albums during the season, like Kelly Clarkson and the aforementioned Daughtry, and they brought in Carrie Underwood to spice up Country Night since mentor Randy Travis had the charisma of a lump of coal that week.

Honestly, I’ve been so bored this season that Paula’s drunken ramblings and her lipping of her new and instantly forgotten single were the true highlights. I wonder how much more exciting it would have been had they included Crying Emo Sissy Nathanial Marshall, Melodramatic Crying Nonstop Talker Tatiana Del Toro, and Wannabe Comedian Who Refused To Take This Shit Seriously And Blew It Nick “Norman Gentle” Mitchell?

Have a Coke & a smile & STFU

You know you’re bored when it’s 3:45 AM and you’re watching that fuck-awful Hey Paula on Bravo. As if Paula Abdul wasn’t annoying enough on American Idol, some imbecile gave her a reality show. No, scratch that. They gave her a cryality show.

All she does is rant, cry, throw tantrums, and suffer meltdowns. One second she’s lucid, and then the slightest hint of adversity causes her to suffer a complete loss of composure and induces another crying jag. If you thought she had the potential to be a basket case before, this show seals the deal.

Her “staff” of flunkies need therapy as badly as she does; hell, I needed therapy after watching 15 minutes of this crap. How they can work for her and not swill tumblers of warm vodka is beyond me. I actually saw some of her lackey laughing at her behind her back as she suffered the 7th or 8th meltdown of the episode.

It’s further proof that the American Sheeple will watch anything. I’m waiting for a show devoted to watching blowflies eat fresh dogshit on Turd TV. After 30 minutes of her whimpering I wanted to punch her in the throat and was begging to watch the blowflies.