Top Ten Reasons to Vote For Ron Jeremy

As a follow-up to yesterday's blog:


Top Ten Reasons To Vote For Ron Jeremy

10. Meets all the criteria for election.
9. Native New Yorker who can carry the state and its vital 31 electoral votes.
8. Master’s Degree in special education means he’s prepared to deal with Congress.
7. If told by another nation to go screw himself, he probably could.
6. Wide appeal to both young and old voters. Everyone loves Ron Jeremy!!!
5. Comes ready-equipped with Secret Service nickname: Hedgehog.
4. No worry of a sex scandal in the White House. It’s all in the open, baby.
3. Guaranteed support and backing from the entertainment industry.
2. With dual undergraduate degrees in elementary education and theater, and having acted in 1700 films and directed 250, if we can elect an actor in 1980, why not now?
1. If America is gonna get screwed by the White House, shouldn’t we get it from a true professional?

Hedgehog For President

Every time one opens a newspaper or turns on the TV or radio you get inundated with non-stop, 24/7, second by second, up to the minute Election 2008 coverage. It starts over a year in advance of the elections and just gets worse every 4 years. It’s Obama this, and Hillary that, sprinkled with a side order of McCain said whatever. Of course, you’re not really obligated to vote for just one of the major candidates, you know. You can write-in a candidate of your choice, so long as they meet the qualifications for President of the United States. In fact, if you’re really feeling froggy, you can write me in; I’m over 35 and meet the residency requirements.

Article Two of the Constitution sets the principal qualifications to be eligible for election as President. A Presidential candidate must:

* be a natural-born citizen of the United States
* be at least thirty-five years old
* have been resident in the United States for at least fourteen years

And there are some folks who just think it’s funny to write in Mickey Mouse. Frivolous write-in votes of cartoon characters are tossed out and not counted as a general rule, but according to some sources, Mickey received 428 votes in the 2003 Florida elections.

If you’re considering voting for a write in candidate, there are a few dozen choices. I found them at http://www.politics1.com/p2008.htm
You have:
Chuck Baldwin of the Constitution Party
Jesse Johnson, Cynthia McKinney, Kent Mesplay, and Kat Swift, all of the Green Party
Thirteen candidates running for the Libertarian Party, not including Ron Paul
Gloria LaRiva of the Party of Socialism & Liberation
Reverend Gene Amondson of the Prohibitionist Party
Brian Moore of the Socialist Party
Roger Calero of the Socialist Worker’s Party
And perennial independent candidate Ralph Nader

Additionally there are 55 other independent/write-in candidates who have yet to achieve ballot status in any state, including Cris Ericson of Vermont’s Marijuana Party, John Taylor Bowles of South Carolina, representing the National Socialist Order of America (a complete front for the KKK. Their website scared the shit out of me.), Pennsylvania’s Jack Grimes of the United Fascist Union, and who can forget Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey of New Jersey, running from the bully pulpit of the Vampire, Witches & Pagan Party. I kid you not.

Of course, I have a few more that you can choose from too:

Cobra Commander- Sure, he’s been portrayed as a villainous tyrant bent on world domination, but a lot of people say the same thing about George Bush too. Cobra Commander is all about keeping a strong military.


Christopher Walken- The epitome of cool. You know what America needs? More cowbell!


Angus MacGyver- Come on, man, the dude made an ultralight aircraft built from bamboo, garbage bags, duct tape and a cement mixer engine. I think he can fix the economy with a rubber band, chewing gum, and a tampon.


And personally, I’m throwing my support behind Mister Ron Jeremy Hyatt, of New Hyde Park, New York. Ron Jeremy meets all the criteria. He’s 55 years of age, a natural born citizen and has resided in the United States for at least 14 years. Ron Jeremy attended Cardozo High School in Bayside, Queens, where former CIA director George Tenet and actor Reginald VelJohnson were classmates. He earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in education and theater and a Master's degree in special education from Queens College in New York. He is also a member of Tau Kappa Epsilon international fraternity. He taught special education classes in the New York City area and was a substitute teacher for regular classes before embarking upon, shall we say, an alternative film career. He holds a Guinness World Record for most appearances in adult films. He’s a published author and frequent public speaker and is a spokesman for PETA. So THINK BIG: RON JEREMY IN 2008!!!!!

Mail Order Penis

Here’s Bob. Bob’s life sucked till he started taking MiraclePeckerGro2000. Now he’s the toast of the town. Everyone wants to be his friend. His boss kisses his ass. Sports teams rally around him. He could part the Red Sea with his Johnson. Yeah, right.

You just gotta love these commercials for Male Enhancements. If it’s there, but doesn’t work, there’s Viagra, Levitra, and Cialys. If it works but it’s too small to suit your ego, there’s Extenz and Enzyte. Yeah, the vagina may have had its monologues, but the penis is big business.

I don’t mean to make light of men with erectile dysfunction. It’s a very real, very serious, debilitating medical condition. It’s the guys so worried about how big it is that need a whack in the forehead with a 10-pound codfish. The commercials are slick; slick as ever, just like any drug company advertising has become these days. The commercials for Enzyte make you feel that with a big enough unit, you can slay dragons and win the Nobel Prize. Bob smiles all the time, gets promoted, saves kittens, gets the key to the city, is the envy of all his friends, (and the lust object of his friends’ wives) and the Good Guys win all the sporting events just because Bob’s a fan of their team. Yeah. Sure. Okay. On the surface it seems Bob’s a success because he’s uber-confident now that he takes Enzyte, but the commercial’s darker underbelly makes you think that a monster tally whacker is the key to life, the Holy Grail of Manliness, Cock Almighty.


The commercial for Extenz is even more insidious. It’s a 30-minute infomercial that comes on at 3AM. It features porn star Ron Jeremy and a casting couch full of silicone tarts that couldn’t come up with three brain cells among them if the fate of all mankind rested upon it. I came across this train wreck on cable one night after getting up to use the bathroom and couldn’t immediately fall back asleep. And a train wreck it is; you can’t stop watching it even though you feel evil for doing so. Okay, I’ll give Ron Jeremy his props. He’s made a 25-year career out of having sex all day long, and he’s a seriously homely guy. His nickname is The Hedgehog; need I say more? So he’s sitting there leering and grinning as these porn chicks talk about how sex is always better when a man has a bigger Special Place. Yes. I kid you not. They call it a Special Place, or Special Part. The same chicks that scream the F-word as bad music hums along in the background while getting plowed by some doofus with a freakishly giant dong are referring it to it now as a Special Place. Please, kill me now. This infomercial pretty much convinces the impressionable that with a bigger penis, you’ll now finally satisfy all women, and you too can get porn stars to fake orgasms for you instead of for Ron Jeremy. Either way, these vultures are preying upon the fears and insecurities of men and making them feel that deep inside, you have a small pee pee and you’ll never amount to anything unless you take our drugs.

And remember, erections lasting more than four hours, while rare, require immediate medical help. Call 911? Not bloody likely. If I get a 4-hour woody, I’m calling CNN.