Two Tools For One Low Price

It is my firm belief that one of the biggest tools in the Tool Box “Tooliverse” is Sean John Combs, known by various & sundry alias pseudonyms like Puff, Puff Daddy, Puffy, P-Diddy, and, as of late, just plain Diddy.

Supposedly he was some minor talent producer back in the day, before the deaths of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G./Biggie Smalls (Christopher Wallace). After the death of Smalls in the Great East-West Rap Wars of 1997, Combs did what any record label owner and producer would do…he became a rapper himself. Laughing all the way to the bank, The Police allowed Combs to build a tribute song to Wallace around “Every Breath You Take”. Not content to just make a one-off tribute to a dead friend, he kept on recording. Based upon this, he turned hip-hop from a creative art form into trite lyrics wrapped around samples of real songs. I mean, why make your own beats when all the songs of others can just be sampled?

He had the balls to claim “we invented the remix” for a compilation of remixes of artists on his label… dude, trust me… Depeche Mode was releasing remixes before you hit puberty. People like Kraftwerk invented the remix, not you.

I’ve thought you were a tool for years, Combs. People who wear sunglasses indoors and at night are tools. And you, sir, seem to have those glasses welded to your face 24/7 like you were Geordi LaForge in Star Trek or something. At least you’ve seemingly graduated away from your signature uniform of monochrome white suit ensembles. It was silly when David Bowie did it in 1983, and it’s silly today. Only the Good Humor man dresses like that and gets away with it.

But from one blogger to another, you really jumped the shark to Uber Tool status with your YouTube Diddy Blogs. Your anti-McCain and anti-Palin rants are ridiculous. Saying that Palin is unqualified because her state has low crime and “there’s no black people” is a load of shit. Just come out and say that you’ll vote for Obama for no other reason than he’s black. God knows he’s got few enough qualifications of his own. Hiding under a sheet with a flashlight and saying Palin scares you is just childish.

You should be locked in a closet with Kanye West and see who can out-tool the other.

And speaking of your sunglass-bedecked Doppleganger….


Kanye, Kanye, Kanye. Yeah, you’re a tool too. I thought you had some talent when you recorded “Through The Wire”, but you jumped the shark and crossed into Tool City after “Gold Digger”…because after that you started to believe your own hype and went from an emerging talent to another “I Love Me Some Me” type.

I really get sick of hearing you bitch and moan when you don’t win an award. You bitched when MTV went with Britney Spears at the 2007 Video Music Awards to start the show, saying that your album was about to drop and that you were more important. Well, so was she, and really, her performance was a fucking train wreck of Biblical proportions and you later got to perform this huge spectacle medley of songs later on. And trust me, the big song you had at the time? “Stronger”? The only reason that song was even remotely listenable was because of Daft Punk. You had the audacity to rhyme “Klondike” with “blonde dyke” and act like it was Shakespeare or something. That weak-ass babble you’re spouting on that “American Boy” song by Estelle is some of the lamest shit I have ever heard. Rhyming “now now” with “ow, ow” is just fucking SAD. You could have gone on and on , with “toy cap guns go pow pow, how now brown cow cow, little tiny dogs say bow wow…” But the stupid dipshit motherfuckers who listen to Top 40 crap like yours eat that shit up like a fat stack of flapjacks at the IHOP.

Both of you can take your petulant smirks and 24/7 sunglasses and feast upon my taint. I wouldn’t see either of you perform if you gave free concerts from the rim of my toilet.

Geordi LaForge knows that these guys are tools...

Janice Dickenson: Supreme Tool

Why hasn’t someone taken a bucket of water & tossed it on Janice Dickinson yet? That vile, nasty bitch would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.

I don’t watch her show. Just from the commercials I can tell she’s a total bitch. She may have been a model 3,000 years ago, when Vogue was chiseled on cave walls and the pictures were stick figures done in charcoal, but now she’s this skeletal wraith covered in a polyviscose plastic shell, oozing hate and loathing.

I saw a recent trailer for her asinine show where she refuses to work with plus-size models, and calls a girl who is a size 14 “a whale”.

How cuntish. You’re a tool, Dickinson. Assholes like you are why women are struggling with anorexia & bulimia. Assholes like you are why there’s a size ZERO. I mean, what the fuck is a size ZERO? Like a 2 wasn’t tiny enough, you had to make a waif-size for underfed children? You people have the balls to say anything over a size 4 is fat?


Kiss my ass. You should be shot.

Riddle Me This, would ya'?

What in the Blue Fuck is this?

A spray-on tan, gelled up hair, a headband, a giant CZ ear stud, miniscule jawline stubble-track, and lips that look like a pastel asshole.


You, sir, are the quintessential douchebag Uber-Tool.

Popped Collar Tools

Popped Collars.

Why?

Dude, that shit went out in the late 80’s. It was lame when New Kids On The Block did it, the first time they were famous. It’s a relic, like the Members Only jacket and neon shoelaces.

So, for all you tools out there sporting popped collars on your Pimpercrombie & Bitch pastel pink polo shirts, or worse, layering your popped collars in pastel pinks and lime greens to set of your spray-on tans and hats cocked at angles (or worse, a visor worn UPSIDE DOWN), please just fucking stop it. You look like an idiot. Remember, “tool” only rhymes with “cool”.

So, please…just stop.