Sunday, May 4, 2008

Hedgehog For President

Every time one opens a newspaper or turns on the TV or radio you get inundated with non-stop, 24/7, second by second, up to the minute Election 2008 coverage. It starts over a year in advance of the elections and just gets worse every 4 years. It’s Obama this, and Hillary that, sprinkled with a side order of McCain said whatever. Of course, you’re not really obligated to vote for just one of the major candidates, you know. You can write-in a candidate of your choice, so long as they meet the qualifications for President of the United States. In fact, if you’re really feeling froggy, you can write me in; I’m over 35 and meet the residency requirements.

Article Two of the Constitution sets the principal qualifications to be eligible for election as President. A Presidential candidate must:

* be a natural-born citizen of the United States
* be at least thirty-five years old
* have been resident in the United States for at least fourteen years

And there are some folks who just think it’s funny to write in Mickey Mouse. Frivolous write-in votes of cartoon characters are tossed out and not counted as a general rule, but according to some sources, Mickey received 428 votes in the 2003 Florida elections.

If you’re considering voting for a write in candidate, there are a few dozen choices. I found them at
You have:
Chuck Baldwin of the Constitution Party
Jesse Johnson, Cynthia McKinney, Kent Mesplay, and Kat Swift, all of the Green Party
Thirteen candidates running for the Libertarian Party, not including Ron Paul
Gloria LaRiva of the Party of Socialism & Liberation
Reverend Gene Amondson of the Prohibitionist Party
Brian Moore of the Socialist Party
Roger Calero of the Socialist Worker’s Party
And perennial independent candidate Ralph Nader

Additionally there are 55 other independent/write-in candidates who have yet to achieve ballot status in any state, including Cris Ericson of Vermont’s Marijuana Party, John Taylor Bowles of South Carolina, representing the National Socialist Order of America (a complete front for the KKK. Their website scared the shit out of me.), Pennsylvania’s Jack Grimes of the United Fascist Union, and who can forget Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey of New Jersey, running from the bully pulpit of the Vampire, Witches & Pagan Party. I kid you not.

Of course, I have a few more that you can choose from too:

Cobra Commander- Sure, he’s been portrayed as a villainous tyrant bent on world domination, but a lot of people say the same thing about George Bush too. Cobra Commander is all about keeping a strong military.

Christopher Walken- The epitome of cool. You know what America needs? More cowbell!

Angus MacGyver- Come on, man, the dude made an ultralight aircraft built from bamboo, garbage bags, duct tape and a cement mixer engine. I think he can fix the economy with a rubber band, chewing gum, and a tampon.

And personally, I’m throwing my support behind Mister Ron Jeremy Hyatt, of New Hyde Park, New York. Ron Jeremy meets all the criteria. He’s 55 years of age, a natural born citizen and has resided in the United States for at least 14 years. Ron Jeremy attended Cardozo High School in Bayside, Queens, where former CIA director George Tenet and actor Reginald VelJohnson were classmates. He earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in education and theater and a Master's degree in special education from Queens College in New York. He is also a member of Tau Kappa Epsilon international fraternity. He taught special education classes in the New York City area and was a substitute teacher for regular classes before embarking upon, shall we say, an alternative film career. He holds a Guinness World Record for most appearances in adult films. He’s a published author and frequent public speaker and is a spokesman for PETA. So THINK BIG: RON JEREMY IN 2008!!!!!

1 comment:

Randy said...

Hey, don't forget about me. I announced on January 3 of this year and outlined my platform in a series of blog posts.

Of course, I'm not on the ballot in most states (0 out of 50), but I'm hoping for a high write-in count.

I think I've got two votes (counting my mom, but not my wife), so who knows what could happen.