Like, oh my GAWD! International Change Day is Tuesday!!!

Tuesday marks the beginning of the Reign of the Messiah Barack Hussein Obama, and what better way to kick off the Great Change by spending $50 million dollars on what amounts to a grandiose party attended by Queen Oprah of Chicagoland, Beyonce, Tiger Woods,and dozens of other luminary figures?

The official theme for Inauguration Day is "A New Birth of Freedom," in honor of the 200th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's birth. However, we all know damn well that the words "change" and "yes we can/yes we did" will be thrown about like "Deutschland Uber Alles".....

Speculators say that $40 million to $50 million is the estimated cost of the 2009 inaugural parade, balls, opening ceremonies, and other expenses for the Presidential Inaugural Committee, and thee inauguration will also cost the District, Virginia, and Maryland a fair amount for security, cleanup, etc. The DC Police dropped $360,000on 12 new motorcycles for the events. Since it’s supposed to be about 29 degrees or so, I’m assuming those $30,000 bikes have awesome heaters.

There isn’t a hotel room to be found in a hundred-mile radius. Estimates run at between 1.5 and 2 million people are showing up to clog the city and mill about in the freezing cold, fighting traffic, fighting crowds, fighting lines, and fighting each other for some sort of asinine bragging rights and the ability to say they witnessed “CHANGE” first-hand.

You dumbasses. Unless you’re up there on that platform, you really won’t see shit. You could have saved yourself hundreds of dollars that you’ll need as the economy circles the drain and stayed home where it’s warm, and seen it much better from your La-Z-Boy recliner on TV. At least from your living room you’ll actually see it, instead of the back of some schmuck’s head in line in front of you. Make sure you stimulate the economy with an assload of shitty souvenirs, chum. We need the commerce.


The U.S. Secret Service is overseeing a security force of more than 40,000 people, including 7,500 active duty soldiers, 10,000 National Guard troops and 25,000 law-enforcement officers.

That surpasses the 31,000 troops serving in Afghanistan. So while units hunting down the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists may or may not have enough troops to do the job right, the District of Columbia will be in a virtual lockdown. Bridges into Washington and about 3.5 square miles of the capital's downtown will be closed Tuesday. My heart goes out to the poor working stiffs who have to try and get to work and go about their business Tuesday in this clusterfuck.

The security effort goes into full effect when Obama starts making his way to Washington from Philadelphia by train Saturday. Thousands of officers from 40 police jurisdictions will line the 137-mile route. Crowds are expected to gather at numerous spots along the way, including overpasses, parking lots and commuter train stations, ust to say they saw the train go by.

Security is a nightmare. The Metropolitan Police Department will deploy 4,000 officers, and it will have help from an additional 4,000 officers from 99 federal, state and local law-enforcement agencies across the country. Frozen snipers, God bless those hardy professionals, will be positioned on rooftops and balconies along Pennsylvania Avenue, ready to drill you in the forehead for reaching in your pocket for a tissue in a threatening manner. Nondescript boxes that can detect the airborne releases of chemical or biological weapons will be scattered among the crowds. Imagine the stampedes if one of those alarms goes off?

Every one of the 240,000 people attending the actual swearing-in ceremony will be screened by walk-through or hand-held metal detectors, and every one of them will have to be scanned 6 times because they’re carrying change and nail clippers and metal belt buckles and other shit that sets off every metal detector in every airport worldwide and people still insist on carrying. You think a line at Atlanta-Hartsfield Airport is insane, try that with 239,999 other people.

Air Force fighter sweeps will be loaded for bear overhead, looking for any stray Cessna straying off course. Imagine the grief from shooting down some assclowns trying to fly over for a glimpse of the Blessed Event, with flaming wreckage raining down on a million-strong throng of pilgrims seeking the new Messiah? That’d be some change, indeed.

Dude, I hated being in the crowd at WalMart on Black Friday so depositing me in a crowd of a million members of ObamaNation out in the cold is a moot point. I’m sure I’ll see the highlights on the evening news when I get home from work Tuesday.

Gee, I hope I don’t miss too much change in between the swearing in and when I get home…I’ll have to make sure I tune in for all the Inaugural Ball updates.

The actual schedule:

SATURDAY, JAN. 17
•Obama and his family ride the train from Philadelphia to Washington, stopping in Wilmington, Del., for Vice President-elect Joe Biden and his family. Train will stop in Baltimore for speech before heading south. A feeling of impending change will envelop everyone within earshot.

•BET Honors, an awards ceremony, at the Warner Theater.

•People's Inaugural Gala Celebration at the Grand Hyatt Hotel.

•Will.i.am "Yes We Did" concert.

•Concert with Mary J. Blige, Common, and Nelly at nightclub Ibiza.

SUNDAY, JAN. 18
•Obama will kick off inaugural activities with a welcome event on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on Sunday afternoon. The event begins at 2:30 p.m. Beyonce, U2, Bruce Springsteen, John Mellencamp, Usher, Shakira, Sheryl Crow, Josh Groban and James Taylor are among the musicians scheduled to perform.

•Presidential Inaugural Luncheon and Fashion Show at the Ritz-Carlton. Nothing says "presidency" and "world leader" quite like the frivolity of a fashion show.

•EMILY's List Inaugural Luncheon with scheduled guests including Cabinet appointees Hillary Rodham Clinton and Janet Napolitano, Senators Kay Hagan and Jeanne Shaheen, and North Carolina Governor Bev Perdue.

•African-American Church Inaugural Ball at the Grand Hyatt Washington.

•2009 Latino Inaugural Gala with Marc Anthony at Union Station.

•Aloha Inaugural Ball, organized by former Obama campaign workers, held at the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel at 7:30 p.m.

MONDAY, JAN. 19
•National Day of Community Service event: To honor Dr. King's legacy, Obama, Biden and their families, joined by Americans across the country, will participate in activities dedicated to serving others in communities across the Washington, D.C. area.

•Black Tie & Boots Inaugural Ball, sponsored by the Texas State Society, at the Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center.

•Green Inaugural Ball at the Donald W. Reynolds Center for American Art and Portraiture. Ball hosted by former Vice President Al Gore.

•Huffington Post preinaugural ball at the Newseum.

•Hip-Hop Inaugural Ball at the Harman Center for the Arts. Hosted by the Hip-Hop Summit Action Network, Russell Simmons, LL Cool J, among others.

•A children's evening concert at the Verizon Center honoring military families. Event hosted by Michelle Obama, who will attend. Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers are among the entertainers.

•Obama to attend three private dinners to honor former secretary of State Colin Powell, Biden and Sen. John McCain, the 2008 Republican presidential nominee, for their public service. Dinners at the Hilton Washington, National Building Museum and Union Station.

TUESDAY, JAN. 20 (INAUGURATION DAY)
Gates to the Inaugural Ceremony open at 8 a.m. The inaugural festivities are scheduled to start at 10 a.m. on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol. They will include:
•Musical selections of The United States Marine Band, followed by the San Francisco Boys Chorus and the San Francisco Girls Chorus.

•Senator Dianne Feinstein provides call to order and welcoming remarks.

•Invocation by the Reverend Rick Warren.

•Musical selection by Aretha Franklin.

•Biden will be sworn into office by Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens.

•Musical selection of composer/arranger John Williams, with Itzhak Perlman, (violin), Yo-Yo Ma (cello), Gabriela Montero (piano) and Anthony McGill (clarinet).

•Obama will take the Oath of Office, using President Lincoln's Inaugural Bible, administered by Chief Justice John Roberts. Scheduled around noon.

•Obama gives the inaugural address. Change begins immediately as the entire world’s problems are instantly solved.

•Poem by Elizabeth Alexander.

•Benediction by Reverend Joseph E. Lowery.

•The National Anthem by The United States Navy Band "Sea Chanters."

•After Obama gives inaugural address, he will escort outgoing President George W. Bush to a departure ceremony before attending a luncheon in the Capitol's Statuary Hall.

•The 56th Inaugural Parade will then make its way down Pennsylvania Avenue from the Capitol to the White House. Masses will adore the Messiah as Change occurs in front of their eyes.

Later that day, the Presidential Inaugural Committee will host 10 official inaugural balls:
•Neighborhood Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.

•Obama Home States (Illinois and Hawaii) Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.

•Biden Home States (Pennsylvania and Delaware) Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.

•Midwest Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.

•Mid-Atlantic Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.

•Western Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.

•Commander in Chief's Ball at the National Building Museum.

•Southern Inaugural Ball at the National Guard Armory.

•Eastern Inaugural Ball at Union Station.

•Youth Inaugural Ball at the Washington Hilton.

Unofficial balls include:
•Congressional Black Caucus Inaugural Ball at the Capitol Hilton.

•Creative Coalition Inaugural Ball at the Harman Center for the Arts.

•Recording Industry Association of America's ball for Feeding America.

•BET's Inaugural Ball at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel.

•Africa on the Potomac inaugural celebration at Crystal Gateway Marriott in Arlington, Va.

•American Music Inaugural Ball at the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel.

•Inaugural Purple Ball at the Fairmont Hotel.

•Human Rights Campaign's Equality Ball at the Renaissance Mayflower Hotel.

•Inaugural Peace Ball at the Smithsonian National Postal Museum.

•Impact Film Fund ball.

I’m sure MTV will have a ball too. After all, Obama’s a rock star, right?