Sunday, September 27, 2009

Beware the Toilet Paper Czar



In one ear I have Jason Bateman telling me not to flush my toilet. In the other ear I have Sheryl Crow telling me to swab my O-ring with but a single square of sandpaper.

They can have my plush toilet paper when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

The Enviro-Nazis are at it again, this time attacking Quilted Northern Ultra-Plush, allegedly the first 3-ply super-plush poo paper. The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old.

Toilet paper is far from being the biggest threat to the world's forests: together with facial tissue, it accounts for 5 percent of the U.S. forest-products industry, according to industry figures. Paper and cardboard packaging makes up 26 percent of the industry, although more than half is made from recycled products. Newspapers account for 3 percent.

But environmentalists say 5 percent is still too much. My guess is they wipe their asses with hemp and then smoke it. That, or just use their left hands like it’s the Fourth or Fifth World. Their compromise is using recycled paper and say that it’s a dire sin and crime against the Earth Mother to use an old growth tree in such an undignified manner.


The reason for this war lies in toilet-paper engineering. Each sheet is a web of wood fibers, and fibers from old trees are longer, which produces a smoother and suppler web. Fibers made from recycled paper, like from magazines, newspapers or computer printouts, are shorter. The web is often rougher. So, when toilet paper is made for the public loo market, the scary bathrooms in Wal-Mart, restaurants, offices and schools, manufacturers use recycled fiber about 75 percent of the time. Plus, they buy the cheapest paper imaginable because they’re sorta forced to provide the restrooms. Thusly they aren’t making money from your bung, and they buy whatever sandpapery, waxy, wood-pulpy, non-absorbent, flimsy, half-ply garbage they can.

But for the "at home" market, the paper customers buy for themselves, 5 percent at most is fully recycled. The rest is mostly or totally "virgin" fiber, taken from newly cut trees, according to the market analysis firm RISI Inc. I myself don’t go for the fluffiest, plushest around as it’s linty and too flimsy for my manly arse.


Y’know, by making everyone use cheap paper, you tend to use more of it. When they outlaw toilet paper, only outlaws will have toilet paper…and clean asses. Maybe Greenpeace and the other Enviro-Nazis will be happier if we go back to the 1800’s and use corn cobs to scrape ourselves? I demand a Toilet Paper Czar!!!! The Left will probably let us keep our good papers if only they can tax us per square.



Sure, I'll use one square at a time if I can use THAT roll...

20 comments:

j summ said...

pic 5 is definitely what the army issued, and 1 is just tooooooooooo funny.

LL said...

They never seem to know how far is too far, do they. I can suggest the I'll buy up Mao's little red books and use the pages for my TP. They'd consider the books essential publishing therefore the supply of TP would be endless.

Nickie Goomba said...

My green stance is in the backyard with a garden hose. Has anyone even mentioned to the Eco-Nazis that trees are a RENEWABLE resource?

Soloman said...

That cheese grater pic.. ouch...

I do like the Che Paper, though...

HoosierArmyMom said...

I think I'll make toilet paper with the Obama "Hopeless and ShortChanged" motif. That would take the "pain" out of some of this hokey, left-wingy, lunacy!

Candle said...

Omg these are the greatest pictures of all time. The cheese grater is destroying my facial expressions as I write this... The white dude on the can - nice.
Toilet Paper War: bring it on. They need to really push this agenda so America can continue to know why liberalism "stinks".

Войска ПВО said...

"Lightning",

I keep heading over here for some really hard-edged stuff; you know, wuss poseurs like me go into Berdoo (San Bernadino) Biker Bars and hang our with some Hell's Angels to get come contact macho.

I have not been disappointed.

I agree with Solo, the cheese grater TP is heinous but the Che TP reminds me of the time when I went into a bikle store some time around the end of Sad Sack Carter's administration when the hostage crisis was winding down. The guy offered an Ayatollah Khomeini (the old, dead one) bike seat for sale. It had that POS's face on the saddle with his lips puckered up.

Almost bought one.

Highly recommend Solo's great Friday Night funnies post with Carlin's riff versus environmentalists. I am still hurtin' from the laughter..

..but we must soldier on, mustn't we?

~Voyska

Войска ПВО said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Brooke said...

Old growth forest for TP? Puh-lease.

Why are the enviro-nuts hating on the tree farmers?

I'm getting the 3-ply and using twice as much to help out.

Steve: The Lightning Man said...

Aw...you can call me Steve. We're all friends here!

For some reason Blogger posted your comment twice to me so I deleted one.

I remember the Khomeini TP. I've also seen Osama TP and Saddam TP. And yes, there's Obama TP out there too.

Gawd I miss Carlin.

And thanks, Candle. I try my best to add god visuals to my work!

Track-A-'Crat said...

Love it, Steve.

Where can I get the Che TP?

Track-A-'Crat said...

PS - I really think that it should be legal to run over anyone you see wearing a Che t-shirt/bookbag/anything at all...

Lynnae said...

Now whenever I'm around some liberal I will secretly wonder if they limited themselves to one square. Gross!
My home is surrounded by mountains with fir trees that are systematically cut and replanted. Sometimes people whine about the cut areas. As for me, I love it. I say I live in the middle of the most beautiful crop on earth.

Nickie Goomba said...

Our home doesn't use TP. We cleanse ourselves with handfuls of compost.

BTW... I've included your avatar in a new post. I assumed you'd give me permission. Thanks.

DD2 aka Debonair Dude said...

Any good Lib would use leaves instead of TP.

robert thomas and his thoughts said...

Super blog Steve.
Yes, Liberals hate America, it's really that simple. There can be no other explanation for their actions, past, present, and future.

Amusing Bunni said...

Hi ya Steve!
That was a great post! I just LUV< LUV< LUV your mad photoshop skills!

I thought the same things, these enviroNazi's are on crack, that's why they don't care if their crack gets wiped with their left hand, or a corncob.
These freaking people need to STFU and do something important, like flush themselves down the loo.

WomanHonorThyself said...

lmbooooooooooo!

sonicninjakitty said...

This really upsets me. I believe one can tell the greatness of a country by the quality of its toilet paper. We are definitely the very best, but who knows what we'll be if the moonbats get their way. (Hilarious post, though!)

Dr. Dave said...

Hey, man...when you gotta go, go over to a Hollywood moonbat's house...and leave it on their driveway.