Beware the Toilet Paper Czar

In one ear I have Jason Bateman telling me not to flush my toilet. In the other ear I have Sheryl Crow telling me to swab my O-ring with but a single square of sandpaper.

They can have my plush toilet paper when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

The Enviro-Nazis are at it again, this time attacking Quilted Northern Ultra-Plush, allegedly the first 3-ply super-plush poo paper. The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old.

Toilet paper is far from being the biggest threat to the world's forests: together with facial tissue, it accounts for 5 percent of the U.S. forest-products industry, according to industry figures. Paper and cardboard packaging makes up 26 percent of the industry, although more than half is made from recycled products. Newspapers account for 3 percent.

But environmentalists say 5 percent is still too much. My guess is they wipe their asses with hemp and then smoke it. That, or just use their left hands like it’s the Fourth or Fifth World. Their compromise is using recycled paper and say that it’s a dire sin and crime against the Earth Mother to use an old growth tree in such an undignified manner.


The reason for this war lies in toilet-paper engineering. Each sheet is a web of wood fibers, and fibers from old trees are longer, which produces a smoother and suppler web. Fibers made from recycled paper, like from magazines, newspapers or computer printouts, are shorter. The web is often rougher. So, when toilet paper is made for the public loo market, the scary bathrooms in Wal-Mart, restaurants, offices and schools, manufacturers use recycled fiber about 75 percent of the time. Plus, they buy the cheapest paper imaginable because they’re sorta forced to provide the restrooms. Thusly they aren’t making money from your bung, and they buy whatever sandpapery, waxy, wood-pulpy, non-absorbent, flimsy, half-ply garbage they can.

But for the "at home" market, the paper customers buy for themselves, 5 percent at most is fully recycled. The rest is mostly or totally "virgin" fiber, taken from newly cut trees, according to the market analysis firm RISI Inc. I myself don’t go for the fluffiest, plushest around as it’s linty and too flimsy for my manly arse.


Y’know, by making everyone use cheap paper, you tend to use more of it. When they outlaw toilet paper, only outlaws will have toilet paper…and clean asses. Maybe Greenpeace and the other Enviro-Nazis will be happier if we go back to the 1800’s and use corn cobs to scrape ourselves? I demand a Toilet Paper Czar!!!! The Left will probably let us keep our good papers if only they can tax us per square.



Sure, I'll use one square at a time if I can use THAT roll...