People who made me shake my head this year

As 2009 winds down, I guess I need to be snarky again. I know, big shock, right?

It’s time to take a look at the famous people who had it rough this year. And yet, most of them are still having a better year than most of us working-class schmucks because even when they fall in shit they come up smelling like roses. Most make money from being failures almost as well as they make money from being successes. Some, however, do not.

Some of my picks for people who just made me shake my head this year include:



Kanye West, Serial Douchebag.
Dude, you’re just a grade-A, prime asshole.There are soooooo many reasons to dislike you that I’m actually at a loss for where to begin to catalog them. I’m surprised you haven’t tried to buy a Kanye Vagina Kit to have 32 babies at once so you could have da biggis birf of aww time. PS—your rhymes suck.



David Letterman, Serial Smug Liberal Hypocrite
I swear, Dave, it was so refreshing to see you eat a cold, open-faced crow-and-shit sandwich after all those years of poking fun at celebrity adulterers, especially if they happened to be Conservatives. Regina should have taken your smug unfunny ass to the cleaners…


Charlie Sheen, Serial Creep
Face it, Chuckles. You’re an idiot with an awful lot of problems. That’s what’s so funny about Michael Jordan driving away from you in the undies commercials; no one wants to sit next to you for fear of catching your idiocy. You keep marrying hot chicks and then either beat them up while drunk & stoned or you go whoring around, literally, with literal whores. Heidi Fleiss had you on speed dial. You spent Christmas in jail on a domestic, you moron. You’re either our next celebrity faux reality rehab show or our next celebrity suicide.


Lindsay Lohan, Serial Freakshow
You used to be hot. Smokin’ hot. Then you imploded, went anorexic, dyed your hair, got wasted on everything from booze to lighter fluid, thought you were a lesbian, made a few really bad movies, and now you look like a crack whore with a collagen fixation. Word to the wise, kiddo; Brittany Murphy was skinny like you and had just had her lips plumped too. For your sake I hope your night-stand pill bottle collection doesn’t look like hers.



Steve McNair, Dishonorable Mention for Serial Sports Adulterer
While I feel terricle for his wife and kids, because they didn’t even know his proclivities, I refuse to feel bad for Steve McNair himself. You lie down with dogs, you end up with fleas. You lead a secret double life with crazy underage bitches who find out that you have other women besides her, you get shot.



Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods, Serial Sports Adulterer
Tiger, Tiger, Tiger…you dummy. You had it all. A cushy “job” where all you had to do was work maybe twice a month in exotic, warm locales, where you smack a ball with a stick in dead silence and then leisurely walk after it while some guy carries your bag. You had endorsement deals out the wazoo. A yacht. A fat house. A trophy wife supermodel from Scandinavia.


And you had to go and piss it all away by ho-in’ around with Waffle House chicks, getting laid in church parking lots? Hundreds of millions of dollars and you couldn’t afford a second prepaid cell phone for ho’s to call you on? I have approximately zero sympathy for you. None, whatsoever. Putz. Enjoy paying alimony & child support with no sponsors, Eldrick. Companies are dropping you like your name was really Osama bin Hitler.



And then there’s this bonehead…


Somewhere in Illinois, or Hawaii, or Indonesia, or Kenya…a village is missing its idiot.

Above the law? Not hardly.

Disclaimer: Yeah, this is old news by now. So what? I have a job and a family, so sometimes I have to wait a couple days to write on stuff that catches my attention. Spare time to write is something that I sorely lack. Anyways…


I have no biological children, even at my advanced age of 40, so some of you may think that I am unqualified to make a parental statement. But I think it’s safe to say that if some 43-year old man fed my 13-year old daughter a mix of bubbly and Quaaludes and then had sex with her, and she was too doped up and scared to resist or even to report it, it’s safe to say that the aforementioned rapist would soon be ventilated by several 230-grain jacketed hollow-points. I don’t exactly have a soft spot in my heart for kid-diddlers.

So, it really galled me this week to hear about all the Hollywood assholes coming out in droves in defense of Roman Polanski.

French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner called Polanski's arrest a "bit sinister."
Really, Bernie? I find France’s harboring of a fugitive child rapist a bit sinister. Then again, you assholes also let convicted murderer Ira Einhorn hang out in your country for 20+ years too before he got busted again and sent home to face justice. I guess him and Polanski used to sip lattes together at the American Fugitive Bistro on the Champs Elysees? At times it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if you’ve been letting Joseph Mengele rent a villa on the Riviera.

Polanksi’s agent, Jeff Berg, has said that justice has already been served in the Polanski case. Really? How’s that, Jeff? He’s been treated like Hollywood Royalty across Europe for 30 years, despite the fact that he’s really not that great a director and his movies ain’t all that.

Frederic Mitterrand, the French culture minister, said, "In the same way as there is a generous America which we love, there is also a certain kind of America which is frightening, and it is this America which has now shown us its face." Just keep remembering the face of America that kept you from speaking German twice in the last century, pal. You’re welcome.

Noted film producer Harvey Weinstein had the audacity to open his festering suck-hole and say that ,"Every US filmmaker [should] lobby against any move to bring Polanski back to the US. Whatever you think of the so-called crime, Polanski has served his time."

So-called crime? Perhaps in your house it’s okay to bugger little girls? He didn’t serve any time. He had, as journalist Eugene Robinson put it, a “gilded exile” in his native France. While I personally would go a little crazy after 30 years in France, he wasn’t exactly in a harsh environment. You’re an asshole, Harvey. You effete, smug, Hollywood bastards all think it was okay to drug and rape a kid, just because Chuck Manson killed the guy’s wife and child? That doesn’t give him a free ride to feed a kid drugs and booze, put his wang in her mouth and her kiester, and then flee the fucking country.

Of course it’s no surprise that Woody Allen thinks this schmuck’s a class act. Although Woodrow likes to bang his own kids and not other peoples’…

And Whoopi Goldberg? Holy shit... It wasn’t rape-rape? I suppose you were okay with Megrahi going back to Libya because it wasn’t terrorism-terrorism? Maybe the Holocaust wasn’t genocide-genocide? Let’s free OJ Simpson because while he did get away with murder-murder, he shouldn’t be in jail because it wasn’t kidnapping-kidnapping. However I guess you should stick with flapping your gums on that crapfest TV show The View because your standup wasn’t comedy-comedy and your movies weren’t all that good-good.



At least a couple people out there have some common sense, though.

Sherri Shepherd, also on The View, made the very valid point that we chase down 75 year old Nazis. True ‘dat. So why shouldn’t we hunt down 76-year old rapists?

Luc Besson, director of last year’s film Taken, refused to sign a Hollywood petition calling for Polanski's immediate release. "There is one justice, and that should be the same for everyone," Besson said on French radio. "I have a daughter, 13 years old. If she was violated, nothing would be the same, even 30 years later."

From Alison Arngrim, the actress best known for her work in “Little House on the Prairie” and who has spoken publicly in the past about having been sexually molested as a child, came this: “If Roman Polanski were a Catholic priest or a Republican senator, would these [Hollywood] people feel the same way?”

Not a bit, Alison. They think that being a Hollywood elitist or a Democrat means that it’s okay to commit crimes with relative impunity. No one’s talking about the fact that David Letterman was screwing his female employees (most assuredly behind Regina Lasko’s back), but instead are covering it over by focusing on the extortion attempt.


I hope like hell that George W. Bush is having a great laugh at Letterman’s expense.