People who made me shake my head this year

As 2009 winds down, I guess I need to be snarky again. I know, big shock, right?

It’s time to take a look at the famous people who had it rough this year. And yet, most of them are still having a better year than most of us working-class schmucks because even when they fall in shit they come up smelling like roses. Most make money from being failures almost as well as they make money from being successes. Some, however, do not.

Some of my picks for people who just made me shake my head this year include:



Kanye West, Serial Douchebag.
Dude, you’re just a grade-A, prime asshole.There are soooooo many reasons to dislike you that I’m actually at a loss for where to begin to catalog them. I’m surprised you haven’t tried to buy a Kanye Vagina Kit to have 32 babies at once so you could have da biggis birf of aww time. PS—your rhymes suck.



David Letterman, Serial Smug Liberal Hypocrite
I swear, Dave, it was so refreshing to see you eat a cold, open-faced crow-and-shit sandwich after all those years of poking fun at celebrity adulterers, especially if they happened to be Conservatives. Regina should have taken your smug unfunny ass to the cleaners…


Charlie Sheen, Serial Creep
Face it, Chuckles. You’re an idiot with an awful lot of problems. That’s what’s so funny about Michael Jordan driving away from you in the undies commercials; no one wants to sit next to you for fear of catching your idiocy. You keep marrying hot chicks and then either beat them up while drunk & stoned or you go whoring around, literally, with literal whores. Heidi Fleiss had you on speed dial. You spent Christmas in jail on a domestic, you moron. You’re either our next celebrity faux reality rehab show or our next celebrity suicide.


Lindsay Lohan, Serial Freakshow
You used to be hot. Smokin’ hot. Then you imploded, went anorexic, dyed your hair, got wasted on everything from booze to lighter fluid, thought you were a lesbian, made a few really bad movies, and now you look like a crack whore with a collagen fixation. Word to the wise, kiddo; Brittany Murphy was skinny like you and had just had her lips plumped too. For your sake I hope your night-stand pill bottle collection doesn’t look like hers.



Steve McNair, Dishonorable Mention for Serial Sports Adulterer
While I feel terricle for his wife and kids, because they didn’t even know his proclivities, I refuse to feel bad for Steve McNair himself. You lie down with dogs, you end up with fleas. You lead a secret double life with crazy underage bitches who find out that you have other women besides her, you get shot.



Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods, Serial Sports Adulterer
Tiger, Tiger, Tiger…you dummy. You had it all. A cushy “job” where all you had to do was work maybe twice a month in exotic, warm locales, where you smack a ball with a stick in dead silence and then leisurely walk after it while some guy carries your bag. You had endorsement deals out the wazoo. A yacht. A fat house. A trophy wife supermodel from Scandinavia.


And you had to go and piss it all away by ho-in’ around with Waffle House chicks, getting laid in church parking lots? Hundreds of millions of dollars and you couldn’t afford a second prepaid cell phone for ho’s to call you on? I have approximately zero sympathy for you. None, whatsoever. Putz. Enjoy paying alimony & child support with no sponsors, Eldrick. Companies are dropping you like your name was really Osama bin Hitler.



And then there’s this bonehead…


Somewhere in Illinois, or Hawaii, or Indonesia, or Kenya…a village is missing its idiot.

"I can't find nothin' on the radio..."

"Hey...I can't find nothin' on the radio..."---"Radio Song" by REM, 1989

As I am wont to do every couple of months or so, I have taken another foray into that putrid dumpster of so-called entertainment known as Top-40 Music. At times I wonder why I do this to myself, why I torture myself with this audio misery. I think I do it on occasion, this self-flagellation, to remind myself of why I don’t listen to Top 40 radio and instead still cleave to what few new alternative bands I can stand and to my trusty stable of standby bands that I grew up on.

We kinda got a mixed bag this time around, kids.

Crap Song Of The Week
Jay-Z featuring Rihanna and Kanye West—"Run This Town"
Kill me now. First Jay guests on Rihanna’s “Umbrella” a couple years ago, and now Rihanna returns the favor, except she’s guesting everywhere these days and is in danger of overexposure. And Kanye, that giant ass, is the Media Whore King of Overexposure and adds really lame cheese-rap to every third song played on the radio these days, like it’s Step 4 of the Formula For A Hit or something. A couple years ago it was Akon and T-Pain, and before that it was Ludacris. Today if it isn’t Lil’ Wayne it’s Kanye, who I think just shows up at random studios and forces his way into the vocal booth like he expects everyone to want his vocals. And the rhymes he lays down as of late truly are craptastic, including these. Then again, Jay-Z’s own rap in this song is so stilted and weak that it makes me wonder how he got huge in the first place.

Flo-Rida, featuring NeYo—"Be On You"
I’ve come to the determination that Flo-Rida can’t do a song without someone else, as every single he’s released thus far has had featured vocals from some guest or other. I can’t take this song seriously, because the sugary chorus sounds to me like he’s singing, “I wanna pee on you…I wanna pee on you.” Otherwise, utterly forgettable.

3OH!3 with Katy Perry—"Starstrukk"
I like the verses of the song, but the semi-falsetto chorus grates on my nerves. These guys are almost trying too hard to be snarky bad boys and come off like a boy-band version of The Bloodhound Gang. I guess having Katy Perry on board for the radio remix adds some street-cred or something.

Priscilla Renea –"Dollhouse"
Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCOnX40rf8Q
Acoustic video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEVHtR6mUKw
Y’know, at first listen I thought this was throwaway bubblegum, but it’s really catchy and clever pop. I enclosed the video links because the official video is just well done with the effects, without the usual overdone tawdry crap associated with today’s vapid vids. The acoustic clip is there to prove that this young lady can actually sing, and sounds remarkably the same live as she does on CD.

Ke$ha—"Tik Tok"
And then there’s Ke$ha…suburban white girl sugarcoated Bambi-rap from a Taylor Swift lookalike. She’s so white she makes me look thugnificent. Sadly, it’s kinda catchy, like H1N1, and affects kids at about the same rate. And if she sounds vaguely familiar, it’s because she guested on a recent Flo-Rida song, “You Spin My Head Right Round”.

Owl City—"Fireflies"
I was wondering when Emo music was gonna meet synthpop and create Electropussy. It reminds me a little of “Pure” by the Lightning Seeds back in 1990, without the stolen riff from New Order in it. There isn’t a single ounce of testosterone to be found anywhere in the entire 4 minutes and 8 seconds of this syrupy eunuch-fest. I checked a couple other Owl City songs (Sunburn and Ocean Eyes) just to see if they were all basically emasculating, and yes, it’s all pretty much an empty scrotum and enough glucose overload to induce Type 2 diabetes. Sample lyrics: “I get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs…” I’m serious.

Black Eyed Peas—"Meet Me Halfway"
Another winner from the Peas. I am really quite impressed by this new album of theirs. Sadly, though, I’ll be thoroughly sick of this song in about 2 or three weeks, the same way I got sick of “Boom Boom Pow” and “I Gotta Feeling” after hearing them every 23 minutes on 6 stations at once.

Miley Cyrus--"Party In The USA"
Isn’t this the song that Little Miss Thing pole-danced to on the Disney Channel? And is it me, or does she sound even more nasal than usual here?

Lady GaGa—"Bad Romance"
Interesting that GaGa should release a new single before I managed to get 100% sick of the previous single, Paparazzi, notable unto itself for showing that she can actually sing melodically and not just emit forth dance tracks with gibberish lyrics. This newest song goes back to the original format & formula though of borderline nonsensical words laid over really fat groves. Two weeks from now I’ll want to stab myself in the eye with a shrimp fork every time I hear it.

Jason DeRula—"Whatcha’ Say"
Step One: Sample a fifteen-second clip of “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap.
Step Two: Get a kid who sounds like a knock-off of R. Kelly meets Usher.
Step Three: Have kid sing a couple verses through a box fan, add back beats/samples.
Step Four: Play on radio until vomiting is induced.

Jay Sean—"Down"
Another inescapable track that’s on 6 stations simultaneously 400 times a day. It was catchy enough the first couple times, and then it quickly became unlistenable. Some of that could be due to the warbly vocoder effects in the chorus, kinda like singing…through….a…box…fan…Hey, I detect a pattern here. But hey, we’ve got guest vocals from Lil’ Wayne. Holla!



Sadly, I really don’t have much that I can give you guys this time around as an alternative to the SuckFest on the radio. One of my current favorite bands, Shiny Toy Guns, has covered a couple of 80’s classics for the latest round of Lincoln commercials. They’re the band behind the new versions of “Major Tom (Coming Home)”, originally done by Peter Schilling, and “Burning For You”, originally from Blue Oyster Cult. Both are available out there as downloads.

And a re-issue is coming this week, at least in Europe (the USA has to wait awhile longer) with the 21st Anniversary Edition of Erasure’s 1988 album “The Innocents”. This was a great album, spawning the two megahits “Chains of Love” and “A Little Respect”. They put out a revamped version of the track “Phantom Bride” as a single to coincide with the release, as many fans had always wondered why that track wasn’t a single back in 1988. There just wasn’t enough time, though, to release it back then, as there’d already been “Ship of Fools” in addition to the other two singles already, and at the end of 1988 they had the “Crackers International” EP ready for Christmas release with the epic single “Stop!”, and within a few months the next single & album were out.

As an aside, Erasure just started working on yet another new album of material to come out either in late 2010 or early 2011. I can’t wait!


Erasure are Vince Clarke and Andy Bell

Another quickie: worth a thousand words.....

Time has been in limited supply this week, kids. I have stuff in the works though. I wanted to chime in on the Olympics fiasco, but by the time I get to sit down & do it, it'll no longer be relevant. I have half a blog written on Polanski, and yes, I'm finishing this one....too much to say about that rat-bastard to scrap that post now.

Thursday night was the beginning of HOCKEY SEASON!!!!! Hellz Yes! It's the most wonderful time of the year......

Rest assured, it should be another productive weekend at the laptop. Stay tuned!

Until I can get a minute to sit here and work on new material tonight, I leave ya'll with a simple picture, my latest creation.

NAACP to Rebuke Obama for Racism in Kanye-gate Scandal!

We here at Global Domination Through Applied Inactivity bring you this exclusive report via our home offices at the Lightning Man World Propaganda Network…
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NAACP REBUKES OBAMA FOR RACIST ATTACK ON KANYE

Earlier today in a press release the head of the NAACP issued a strong rebuke against President Barack Obama for his hateful and obviously racist remarks against embattled rapper/artist/media Jesus/African American role model/peace loving man of God/savior of mankind Kanye West.

Obama’s scandalous attack on the character and personage of the great Kanye by calling West “a jackass” is pure racism at its worst, as in this day and age any criticism of a person of color by anyone possessing even the tiniest amount of Caucasian genetic code is a racially-motivated Hate Crime.

An NAACP spokeman was heard to have said, “Now we see Barack for the racist whitey he keeps hidden under his blackishness. We feared this day would come when he'd revert to crackerism. He has 50% white DNA, and that inner White Debbil has reared its bedsheet-hooded head to call Brother Kanye a jackass. That is akin to calling Brother Kanye a mule, a white man’s beast of burden, a direct corollary to slavery, and thus a racist attack on a man of color in Racist Amerikkka. We call for a boycott of everything in America until we remove Obama from office and place a peace-loving man like Reverend Jeremiah Wright in the former White House, henceforth to be known as Equality House.”


In his own defense, President Obama invited Kanye over for a beer.

Kanye West could not be reached for comment, as he was busy interrupting a white third-grade girl in Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin who was accepting a spelling award in class, claiming that he deserved the award more than she did and that Beyonce spells better than her anyways.


Stay tuned to the Lightning Man World Propaganda Network for updates and breaking news…


The HalfWhite Debbil?

The Titanic of Awards Shows: The 2007 VMA's

The Britney Train may have finally derailed, live on TV.

With nothing better to do, I popped on the MTV Video Music Awards while I was working. The VMA’s are a bit of a joke now, really, since eMpTyVee quite playing videos a LONG time ago. (http://mojosteve.blogspot.com/2007/07/i-want-my-emptyvee.html).

The show started with Mizz Britney Spears “singing” her newest stripper anthem, titled “Gimme More”. It was possibly the worst lip-sync I’ve ever seen her do. And it was done without even any pretense of being sung live, since all she did was gyrate poorly and look mildly confused, with only a tiny microscopic headset on as in her previous fake performances. In comparison, Chris Brown’s lip-sync was better, as was his dancing.

It was sad, yet funny. Then again, I’m not a very nice man. It set the stage for a truly lousy show. I mean, it was worse than usual.

Before the show, Kanye West, who has a new album set to be released Tuesday, whined and bitched about not being asked to open the show, stating that Britney hasn’t had a hit in years, and that maybe his skin color wasn’t right. Oh please…shut the fuck up, Kanye. 90% of what MTV and MTV2 plays (when they do play videos at all) is rap and black artists, so quit trying to play the race card like an asshole. You still got to perform halfway through the show, and it wasn’t all that, trust me.

Asked what he thought of Britney Spears, Foo Fighters' Dave Grohl said:"You know those things that you put batteries in and they just vacuum the floor without anyone touching them? That's what I think of Britney Spears."

My award for quote of the night goes to Justin Timberlake, who came out onstage with Tim “Timbaland” Mosely. The back of Tim’s head looks like a pack of Ballpark franks, but he’s so damned talented. Justin told MTV’s executives that he wanted to challenge MTV to play more videos. Then he was whisked away by bodyguards and disappeared, probably out of embarrassment at having once banged Spears and then looking at her now. He bailed before anyone could ask him what he thought, no doubt.

Linkin Park gave a spirited performance of “Bleed It Out”, with Chester Bennington screaming like a cat in heat and Mike Shinoda getting his opening rap bleeped out a few times. They sounded a lot better than Fallout Boy, who sounded like a karaoke band that needed to be beaten with lead pipes. But holy crap, I learned a brand new respect for System of a Down, who performed a great cover of Dead Kennedy’s classic anthem “Holiday In Cambodia” for about 30 seconds before MTV cut to a commercial.

The best part of the whole show was the trailer for the movie “Dragon Wars”, followed by the trailer for “Beowulf”. It hit a new low when the now infamously stupid Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton, further embarrassed the state I live in with incoherent idiocy playing up on her abysmal interview during the Miss Teen USA Pageant. MTV was really hoping that this years’ VMA show wouldn’t suck. They cut it from 3 hours to 2, and concentrated more on performances than actual awards, possibly because they don’t actually PLAY videos. They should have changed the name to the MTV Overhyped Lame Performances Show… Oh well, MTV…you still suck. Follow Justin’s advice before you’re as washed up as Britney, bitches.