Y'know, Top 40 Music still sucks.

It’s been awhile since I last forayed into the crapfest of Top 40 music. Mostly because it all sounds the same pretty much, and I had precious little to offer you guys as an alternative to what I was finding. I forced myself to sit through the Top Twenty Countdown on Fuse-TV, and coupled it with some time spent suffering through some Top 40 radio.

Ke$ha—Your Love Is The Drug

Heard this for the first time yesterday, and hourly thereafter. She actually sings on this song, like with actual melodies & stuff. Usually she just prattles on with inanery, rhyming the words “toes”, “clothes”, and “phones”, and using the phrase “Blah blah blah” as an actual chorus.She usually looks like she just woke up behind the dumpster with Lindsay Lohan, vying with Britney Spears for Miss White Trash 2010 at the Happy Acres Trailer Park. A couple weeks ago she was on American Idol & it was excruciating. This weekend she was on Saturday Night Live and was much improved. Her performance of “Your Love Is The Drug” was qute fascinating, done in black lights and painted up in neon tribal regalia.

I pronounce it "Keh-Dollar Sign-Huh". She's come for your male children.

Ludacris, featuring Nicki Minaj—My Chick Bad

Looks like Luda scraped together a song based on bad rhymes found on a bathroom wall. Not the usual clever stuff he puts out. I guess all those sessions of wasting rhymes guesting on every third song released in the last two years (much like that talentless asshat Kanye West) has taken its toll on the creativity of one Chris Bridges, AKA Ludacris. Really crappy vocal effects don’t help either. They also didn’t help his previous song “How Low ”, with it’s annoying repetitive Chipmunk lyrics. In the video, Minaj comes across like a hoodrat version of Lady GaGa under a black light.

Hey, Nick, does GaGa know you stole her makeup kit?

Lil Wayne—Drop The World

What? I thought he was in jail? Nothing like releasing singles while incarecerated. I know they had to hurry up & record that abortion of a remake of “We Are The World” so he could rap over top of it before reporting to jail on a gun charge (after another delay of dental surgery on his bejeweled teeth). This song’s pretty damned forgettable; so forgettable I had to look it up on YouTube again just to remind myself what I heard. Nothing like stellar lyrics that include “Yeah I could die now, re-birf, hop in my space ship & leave Earf” and a chorus that claims “I’ma pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your fuckin’ head” . Eminem saves the song from being totally swept under the rug like a dustbunny with a guest shot, with angry speed-rhyming towards the end of the song. I guess Em needed to rebuild some street cred after a long absence that saw him gain a lot of weight & pretty much lose most of his musical relevance. Looks like he hit the gym & is mounting a comeback. Oh, boy. The Clown Prince of Thugnificence returns.

Young Money—Bed Rock

Utter bile. Schoolhouse crap and sugar coated rap with some truly lame lyrics. “Call me Mister Flinstone; I can make your Bed Rock”. Seriously. WTF? My dachshund could write better material. Kill me.

Jay-Z, featuring Mr. Hudson—Young Forever

I’m patently offended. From the opening notes, I thought this was going to be a cover of the gorgeous 80’s synthpop track “Forever Young” by Alphaville. That turned into disappointment as the vocals of the “Forever Young” chorus were butchered a bit by an obscure British R&B wannabe trying to work a faux reggae feel. Then my disappointment turned to horror as Jay-Z, tied neck & neck with Kanye as Over-rated Rap Star of the New Millenium babbled overtop the samples. I had to put drops of bleach in my ears afterwards to clean the audio poison out.

Taio Cruz featuring Ludacris—Break Your Heart

This one isn’t completely unlistenable; however in about a week’s time I’ll want to jam a sewing needle in my eyeball as soon as it comes on. The musical tracks are really good electronica, and would have made the foundation of a good synthpop club track until Luda raps over the top and Cruz repetitively reminds us that he’s only gonna break break break break break your heart, whoaaahhhh.

Black Eyed Peas—Imma Be

I knew it couldn’t last. I knew they’d eventually release a turd off their latest album. They’d been doing pretty well with three smash singles in a row that were pretty good. But, a year later I’m over them and this song is just flat out annoying. Sprinkled with lame lyrics and an annoyingly repetitive “I’ma be I’ma be I’m a be” that just melts into a droning bumblebee bumblebee bumblebee….Saw them live on SNL and they sounded like shit. Saw them live on Idol and they sounded like shit. Hmmm, I detect a pattern here...

B.o.B. featuring Bruno Mars—Nothin’ On You

First listen is okay. Falsetto overtop of a jazzy drum & piano combo. The speedy delivery of the rap is okay at first listen too. It’s a fascinating hybrid. It’s melodic. There’s actual singing with a pleasant voice. If I only hear this a few times, it won’t be ruined. However, I know better; in 2 weeks I’ll despise it. Oops; too late. I hate it already. That’s how I roll.

Lady GaGa—Alejandro

At first I wasn’t sure this was GaGa. It wasn’t pretentious enough. I actually thought it was a comeback attempt by Ace of Base, the late 80’s answer to ABBA. This song is so utterly forgettable that it barely warrants my pithy comments.

Justin Bieber—Somebody To Love

If it wasn’t for Auto-Tune, this little 12-year old no-talent pube would still be back in middle school getting his head shoved in a toilet by bullies. Whoever gave this kid a contract should be kidney-punched. The other puddle of pabulum being pedled about by this pestilence is a song done with Sean Kingston called Eenie Meeney. I almost needed therapy after that one. “Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lovahhh”. Make it STOP!!!!

Let's see if they still like you after your testicles drop, kid. And get a haircut.

Need something else to listen to instead? Yeah, you do. Trust me…

Spose—I’m Awesome

Okay, this song is a bit of a tongue in cheek joke. Spose is a kid named Ryan Peters, from the town of Wells, Maine. Wells is about 40 miles north of where I went to high school, and is about as big as two WalMart parking lots combined. It’s probably more comical for me since I used to live there and can laugh about a deliberately awkward rap that mentions lobster rolls.

Versant—Push Away/Out of Touch

Versant is sort of still in its beginning phases. Both of these tracks are still ostensibly demo versions, but they’ll whet your taste buds for a full album when it’s finished. Versant’s front person is none other than former singer/bassist/keyboardist for Shiny Toy Guns, Carah Faye Charnow. Now based in Sweden with her new bandmates, Carah’s new project promises to be really good once it gets moving. They’re supposed to be releasing a debut EP almost any day now.

La Roux—Bulletproof

This is a deliciously fun bit of synthpop from singer Elly Jackson and synth guru Ben Langmaid. The song carries a huge Vince Clarke vibe, and really calls to mind early Depeche Mode, Yazoo, and Erasure. The video’s a trip too. It’s nigh on impossible to sit still listening to it.

Elly Jackson of LaRoux. This look is pretty tame for her....

And my “discovery” of the week is tenek, a band from the U.K. that is exactly what you electro fans have been looking for. Just two members strong, tenek is Pete Steer and Geoff Pinckney and they’ve managed to do what most modern electronic bands haven’t; they have a modern contemporary sound that reminds you of classic electronica circa 1988 to 1992 without sounding dated or past its prime. It’s fresh yet familiar, edgy enough to be modern but you instantly feel at home listening to it. They released a debut album, “Stateless” a year ago on the Toffeetones label, with two really good singles (“Submission” and “ Where’s the Time?”) and are primed to release a second album this summer. From the previews of the new tracks that I’ve heard, I’m really looking forward to it. Look for the new single “Blinded By You” to be released soon.