Friday, December 5, 2008

Is that a gun in you're pants or are you just happy to see me?

Some people just don’t know when NOT to fuck up.

One of those people is Plaxico Burress, wide receiver for the New York Giants. He caught the winning touchdown pass in last year’s Super Bowl and has been a pain in the ass ever since. Just before the start of the Giants mandatory training mini-camp back in May of this year, Burress had said that he would not participate in the camp because he was upset with his contract. He attended the camp to avoid paying a fine but refused to practice with the team. Although he was slated to receive $3.25 million for 2008, Burress felt underpaid compared to other star receivers. After indicating that he might hold out training camp as well, he showed up but practiced very little, claiming his ankle was injured. Boo hoo.

Already slated to miss the Thanksgiving-weekend game against Washington with a sore hamstring, Plaxy went clubbing at The Latin Quarter nightclub instead of resting that leg. On Friday, November 28, the day after Thanksgiving, Burress suffered an accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound to the right thigh when his gun, tucked in the waistband of his sweatpants, began sliding down his leg. The injury was not life-threatening and he was released from an area hospital the next afternoon.

The following Monday, Burress turned himself in to police to face charges of criminal possession of a handgun. According to his lawyer Benjamin Brafman, Burress will plead not guilty, of course. It was later discovered that the NYPD found out about the incident only after seeing it on television and were not called by New York-Presbyterian Hospital as required by law. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg called the hospital actions an "outrage" and stated that they are a "chargeable offense". Bloomberg also urged that Burress be prosecuted to the fullest extent, saying that any punishment short of the minimum 3½ years for unlawful carrying of a handgun would be "a mockery of the law." Burress had an expired concealed carry permit from Florida, which is where he lives in the offseason, but no New York license.

Okay…here we go with some of my famous Life Lessons:

Hey, asshole, if you can’t drive on an expired driver’s license, what the hell makes you think you can carry a concealed handgun with an expired concealed carry permit? Just because Florida is pretty liberal with carry permit issuance and reciprocity concerning permits issued in other states, that doesn’t mean you automatically have reciprocity to your current home in New Jersey, or into New York. They kinda cover that shit in the permit class, genius.

Dude, in a city of over 8.2 million people, there are fewer than 8,000 concealed permits issued for New York City. New York City and New York State are restrictive but do offer concealed carry gun permits to qualified residents (ie: powerful, wealthy, politically-connected people) who show a need to be armed. New York City and New York State routinely issue concealed carry pistol permits/gun licenses to honorably retired federal, state and local law enforcement officers who are residents of the state. Last I checked, complaining wide receivers for the Giants aren’t in that category.

Also, who the fuck wears sweat pants to a nightclub? Oh, wait; you’re a famous person, and rules of dress codes for clubs do not apply. I know if my working-class lily-white ass showed up at a club in sweats I wouldn’t even be allowed into the doorway to use the payphone. And an asshole who just tucks a loaded firearm with the safety off into the waistband of any pants, let alone sweats, actually deserves to get shot. You stupid, stupid creature; you get no sympathy from me. You’re lucky you didn’t blow a ball off.

On Tuesday, Burress posted bail of $100,000. He is scheduled to return to court on March 31, 2009, to enter a plea. Later in the day, Burress reported to Giants Stadium as per team policy for injured but active players, and was told he would be suspended without pay for the remaining four games of the 2008 regular season for conduct detrimental to the team. In addition, the Giants placed Burress on their reserve/non-football injury list, meaning he cannot return for the playoffs. Burress is also scheduled to receive $1 million from his signing bonus on December 10, but the status of that payment is unclear. Bwahh-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Brafman made a statement over the weekend, though; typical lawyer bullshit legalspeak . Said Brafman: "We are in contact with the New York City Police Department and the New York City District Attorney's office, making arrangements for Mr. Burress to address these legal issues as early as [Monday]. He will responsibly address these issues in short order. He recognizes that there are legal issues that he's going to have to deal with and we intend to do this as responsibly and expeditiously as possible. He's not running away from this. He intends to deal with this responsibly and we hope it works out in the end and I would ask that the public, the Giants, the media and everybody else withhold judgment. He's presumed innocent, hasn't been convicted of anything and we have a long road ahead of us."

Dude. Don’t be a tool. Plead guilty. You fucking shot yourself while illegally carrying a gun in New York City. You already look stupid enough. Pleading not guilty makes you look like a schmuck. Are you going to claim a gunman was on the grassy knoll across the way? Will you claim Suge Knight was in the men’s room and opened fire for no apparent reason?

Yet another multi-millionaire sports star pisses away his career…or has he? Pacman Jones found a gig with Dallas after getting reinstated by the NFL (and has already been suspended again this season), and I’m sure some desperate team will sign Michael Vick after he gets out of prison. Burress will be back; about the only footballer in jail right now who won’t ever get signed again is OJ Simpson.

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