Sunday, February 15, 2009

Four Tools in one post!!!

The Tool Box gains some new members this week.

One hit the bong.

One hit Rihanna.

One hit the juice.

And one took a hit by lying to Congress about others hitting the juice.

One lost his deal with Kellog’s.

One lost his deal with Wrigley’s.

One is about to lose his deal with Nike.

And one lost any shred of credibility he had left.

Michael Phelps, uber-swimmer who won 8 gold medals at last summer’s Olympics, surfaced on the Net smoking up in a picture taken at a party up the road from me in Columbia, SC at the University of South Carolina, where we stress the HIGH in HIGHER LEARNING. The Richland County Sheriff’s Office went bugfuck over this, declaring a jihad on Phelps as a menace to society and fugitive from justice. Junior, we’re in hot pursuit! One of Phelps’ buddies, in a true dumb pothead maneuver, put the bong in question up on eBay for a hundred grand. The cops raided the house and arrested 8 people, and vow they will not stop until Phelps sits in the electric chair at Lieber Prison in Ridgeville or until Fox gives them a reality cop show, whichever comes first. What do you expect from a police department whose office is located, I shit you not, right next to a pastel purple strip club near the notorious Two-Notch area of Columbia?

Phelps was banned from competitive swimming for 3 months and lost his deal with Kellogg’s, maker of Wheaties. Dude, pot ain’t exactly a performance enhancer. He ain’t gonna swim faster. If anything, he’ll swim slower and eat himself silly. He’ll tread water and think he’s swimming a thousand miles an hour. And maybe Kellogg’s should make a new cereal for hungry potheads called WEEDIES. Put Phelps on the box with Bob Marley and that kid from the Dell commercials that lost his own deal after a pot bust.

Squeaky-clean nice kid Chris Brown lost his fucking mind and smacked the shit out of his girlfriend Rihanna. I’m sure he’ll claim self-defense, even though she’s like five feet tall and weighs 98 pounds. The entire nation of Barbados has declared jihad on Brown and he was promptly dropped by sponsor Wrigley’s gum, a company that continues however to sponsor a ball field in a city that’s so corrupt that it makes Hugo Chavez look like Moral Orel.

Alex Rodriguez broke under pressure and admitted he used steroids a few years ago. The Yankees really needed another distraction, didn’t they? The citizens of Boston rejoiced, Nike may drop him as a sponsor, his records are tarnished and tainted, and Madonna only called him back to get Jeter’s number.

And finally, Miguel Tejada admitted he lied to Congress about having knowledge of steroid use among his fellow players. Yet another marquee player loses his credibility and baseball is stained like a motel sheet in a Vegas whorehouse. He’s not an American citizen so I guess the worst that Congress can do to him is send him back to the Dominican Republic. Whooptie shit; in 2 weeks he’d have another fat contract with a team in Japan.

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