Sunday, May 13, 2012

Breast Feed Till You're Fifty!

Freakshow of the Year, Lady Lysa Arryn of the Vale with 10-year old son Robin, from HBO's "Game of Thrones".

Yeah, sure, we've all heard the jokes. When a guy sees a woman with what he considers a great set of breasts, he's apt to quip something less than clever like, "If I were that lady's kid I'd breast feed till I was fifty", or some such twaddle. High-5s all around, guffaws and chortles, and go back to your Budweiser...

But really, when is a kid too old to be hanging off your tit?

I bring this up because of the controversy brought about this week by Time Magazine, in a desperate grab for readership or relevancy in a day when paper publications are going extinct, put on its cover this past week a rather candid shot of a 26 year old Los Angeles woman with her three year old kid standing on a small stool, latched firmly on to her teat like a lamprey.

Yeah, I know all the arguments in favor of breastfeeding. It's natural. It's normal. Breast-fed kids are healthier, have fewer allergies, are less hostile as adults, are less at risk of obesity & diabetes, etc. It creates a closer bond between mother & child. (Although allegedly formula babies cry less than breast babies).

Yadda yadda yadda.

I'm not arguing against the practice. Hey, if you can do it, go for it. Not all women can.

But when should you kick the kid off your chest?

Some will say that as a man, and furthermore a man with no biological children, I am completely unqualified to even form an opinion on this, much less speak it aloud. And worse, curse of curses, I was a BOTTLE BABY and never breast fed.

Tough noogies; this is my blog, not yours.

Human beings are the only animals on earth to continue drinking milk past infancy. After a certain amount of time, once able to feed upon solid food, other animals will wean their young off the teat. We've all seen it. At 6 to 8 weeks of age, puppies & kittens are weaned and eating solid food so that they can now go home with you &s start pissing on your rug or crapping in a sandbox. The mother lion brings a dead rabbit or something home so the little ones can gnaw away at it as they learn to kill their own food. And if they try & get back on her teats after she sets the meat down, she sets them to rights pretty quickly with growls and swats.

Some of these "attachment parenting" types have kids up to age 10 with a mouthful of calloused, rubberband  nipple and tit-flesh. That's not food anymore. That's creepy.

If your kid has lost a tooth and has it under the pillow looking for cash, they are too old to be nursing. Look, if your kid has teeth, those teeth are there so that they can EAT REAL FOOD, instead of chewing your dugs like bubblegum.

If your kid can talk in coherent words and form sentences, they are too old to be up your shirt.

If the kid can take up half the bloody sofa, they are too old to be draped across your lap sprinkling Nesquick Strawberry powder on your boobs to flavor the afternoon snack.

Read more about this crazy lady here. She feeds pretty much any random kid who wants it.

Sooner or later, you have to face the fact your kid is growing up, can eat real people food, and doesn't NEED to be latched onto your tit like an overgrown sissy. You gonna drag those leaky buggers on your kid's first grade field trip to the chicken farm to see where eggs come from and break out your jugs whilst the other kids are going nom-nom-nom on Lunchables and PBJ's? 65 kids will be staring at your kid like he's a freak, the bus driver will be adjusting his skivvies, and inside of two days' time your kid will be getting beat up in the bathroom and left with his head in the toilet bowl. Then he'll cry & come home to Mummy feeling all butt-hurt, and then you'll be sad and break out a tit and you'll both feel better and perpetuate the cycle.

Face it; some of you are really doing this because you can't let go and you cover it over by saying it's for your kid's own good and you're just trying to be a good parent. You get more out of it than the kid does. That kid is held prisoner relying on you for succor more than sustenance and it's a weird symbiotic thing?

Again, I am not against breastfeeding. It's natural and healthy and perfectly fine. Do so. And if you have to feed your kid in the middle of the mall in front of 5000 people, that's on you. I'm not gonna stop you or even be offended. But really, think about how long you're gonna do it and why. There's a reason why every other mammal on earth weans once it can eat solid food. Even the World Health Organization says to stop around two & a half and they deal with people in countries where food is scarce and it's a familial boon to feed the kid this way to ease the burden on food supplies. Or you can be like this crazy lady who was still feeding her 8 year old daughter and just stopped feeding a 5 year old daughter, daughters who named their mother's tits, draw pictures of them at school, and hate when Mummy wears a bra. Yeah, kid, you're about 3 years out from puberty and growing your own set and you're still suckling at your mother's supply. That's not creepy, no way.

There's a weird story behind this me...., because one kid says ".. she doesn't want to stop till adulthood. She really enjoys it and has actually told me she won't stop until she gets married. She often says: "I never want to stop my mummy milk."


Brooke said...

GAH! I was a breastfeeding mother. I was very discreet in public, towel over the shoulder and so on, but there would still be dirty glances, and I think it is due to freak jobs like these 'moms'.

It IS natural and normal. But guess what? Once the kid can handle cow milk and solid foods, WE'RE DONE. That's right around a year or so.

These women are doing an enormous disservice to real breastfeeding moms out there!

Krystal said...

I breastfed all six of my children, still nursing baby #6 who is 23 months old. When a child can speak in sentences, time to stop. Nursing an 8 or 10 year old is just too disgusting for words!

Steve: The Lightning Man said...

I'm glad that both of you ladies, respected fellow bloggers whom I've been acquainted with for over three years now, agreed with me on this.