...and then Tiger said to Obama.....

My, what similar scowls you have........


A lot of people wouldn’t think that a sports figure and a politician would have all that much in common. Sure, they’re both famous but many would say that’s where the similarities end.

However, if you dig a bit deeper, golfer Tiger Woods and President Obama actually share a few similarities….and a few differences.

Both are having a rather crappy weekend. Tiger, last I saw, was in 140th place after three rounds at the Quail Hollow Championship…well, tied for 140th. Obama is being implicated by the National Enquirer as having had an affair with a campaign aide a few years ago….hey, something else he has in common with Tiger! At least she’s not a porn star or Waffle House chick…

So….let’s compare some more:

Both have ethnic middle names. Tiger has a Thai middle name meaning “leader”. Obama has an Arabic middle name meaning “beautiful”.

Tiger has a Thai mom no one ever talks about. Obama had a white mom that no one ever talks about.

Both are considered paragons of the black community despite being 50% black or less.

Tiger was raised on Buddhism. Obama was raised on Islam and Marxism.

Both attended flamingly liberal universities.

Both entered their current careers with rather limited experience; Tiger after 2 years in college and Obama after less than 2 years in the Senate. Both are at the pinnacles of their career fields while at the same time being laughingstocks.

Tiger hasn't played much golf the past 18 months; 17 tournaments in 2009 and now 2 in 2010. Obama's had at least 32 rounds of golf in office, 8 more than his predecessor had in 8 years.(A predecessor who was mocked for playing golf during a war, mind you. ) He played golf instead of going to the Polish President's state funeral, citing the volcanic ash cloud as an excuse. Please; he could have re-routed Air Force One, the taxi he uses to go get pizza and go on vacations, to a safer route especially since it can refuel inflight unlike commercial 747's. Tiger's wife, Elin, used the ash cloud as a shield to keep Tiger on one side of the Atlantic and her & the kids on the other.

Tiger screwed dozens. Obama screwed millions.

Tiger apologized to the PGA and his fans. Obama apologized to every world leader he could find time to bow to.

Tiger's losing his sponsors. Obama's losing his voter base.

Tiger’s followed around at work all day by a white guy who says nothing to the cameras.
Obama’s followed around by a white guy who should never speak to the cameras.

Look away, Dixie Land; there's nothing to see...

Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the TV and not see Tiger Woods…..WRONG!

Tiger has seemingly been spotted at a sex rehab facility in, of all places, Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Yes, you read that right. Deep in the pants, I mean, heart, of Dixie.

Most people think of those plush, cushy celebrity rehab vacation spots in Palm Springs and Malibu and other fun spots. However, it turns out that the best sedxual addiction clinics in the country include Sierra Tucson in Arizona, Tulane University’s program in New Orleans and the Menninger Clinic’s program in Topeka, Kansas. I’ve been to Topeka, and there’s nothing sexy about it.

Personally, I don’t buy it. Not 100%. He’s doing what every celebrity caught in a public fuckup does when caught with their dick in a blender. They claim to have an addiction, apologize almost sincerely enough to be believed, and then toddle off to rehab to save their reputations and attempt to avoid prosecution and jail time. Look at me, I’m all contrite and sad and broken….fix me.

Bullshit.

I’m not buying the Sexual Addiction angle. Even though some of Tiger’s behaviors are classic sexual addiction markers, like multiple extra-marital affairs, multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands, and exhibitionism in the form of doing the nasty in a church parking lot, he seems to be lacking a few of the others. We’ve received no reports of things like compulsive masturbation, obsessive use of porn, stalking, obsessive dating through personal ads, and using prostitutes…..(no, I’m not a doctor. I looked it up)

I think instead of an addict, he’s a guy who was a horn-dog, a guy who had the ability and resources at his disposal to bang as many chicks as he could. Has anyone spotted him running off to a Porta Potty to squeeze one off in between holes at The Master’s because he can’t help himself? Is he waking up in a filthy hotel room in the red light district, sticky and confused, with a tranny meth-whore fixing his/her wig in the mirrror and rifling his wallet? Is he dropping Roofies from a Pez dispenser? Nahhhhh…..apart from the parking lot romp, all of his actions seem pretty calculated and hidden, which shows a measure of control and possibly restraint, something many addicts in need of rehab stints lack. He’s a PLAYA, baby. He’s a pimp, not a perv. He’s a squirrel tryin’ to get a nut. And he got caught by getting careless and not being bright enough to have a secret pre-paid cell phone. Dude, you epic-failed at Sneaky 101. I learned that much after watching 3 episodes of Cheaters on G4 Network.

It’s hard to feel sorry for a guy who had money rolling out of his ass for chasing a ball around a meadow with a bagfull of sticks, who has a trophy Scandanavian supermodel wife, and pissed it all away banging the Perkins hostess in a church parking lot. He damn near had to spend money to get additional dicks sewn on to keep up with all the places he was parking his johnson. So the wife bails to Sweden with the kids, and he flees to his luxury yacht, and now turns up in freakin’ Hattiesburg?

It’s a ploy to save what few sponsors he has left. He’ll claim addiction, chillax at the ranch, say what Dr. Drew and Company wants to hear, and go back to making boo-coo bucks again.

For what it’s worth Eldrick, there’s not a Perkins in Hattiesburg. The closest one is either Arkansas or Georgia, I think. However, you’ve got 2 or 3 Waffle Houses in Hattiesburg and plenty of church parking lots. Lotsa quality chicks at the Awful Waffle at 3AM, bro. And hey, it’s a college town, and college chicks like to experiment. Just tell ‘em you’re the new celebrity host of Girls Gone Wild. It worked for Snoop Dogg.

People who made me shake my head this year

As 2009 winds down, I guess I need to be snarky again. I know, big shock, right?

It’s time to take a look at the famous people who had it rough this year. And yet, most of them are still having a better year than most of us working-class schmucks because even when they fall in shit they come up smelling like roses. Most make money from being failures almost as well as they make money from being successes. Some, however, do not.

Some of my picks for people who just made me shake my head this year include:



Kanye West, Serial Douchebag.
Dude, you’re just a grade-A, prime asshole.There are soooooo many reasons to dislike you that I’m actually at a loss for where to begin to catalog them. I’m surprised you haven’t tried to buy a Kanye Vagina Kit to have 32 babies at once so you could have da biggis birf of aww time. PS—your rhymes suck.



David Letterman, Serial Smug Liberal Hypocrite
I swear, Dave, it was so refreshing to see you eat a cold, open-faced crow-and-shit sandwich after all those years of poking fun at celebrity adulterers, especially if they happened to be Conservatives. Regina should have taken your smug unfunny ass to the cleaners…


Charlie Sheen, Serial Creep
Face it, Chuckles. You’re an idiot with an awful lot of problems. That’s what’s so funny about Michael Jordan driving away from you in the undies commercials; no one wants to sit next to you for fear of catching your idiocy. You keep marrying hot chicks and then either beat them up while drunk & stoned or you go whoring around, literally, with literal whores. Heidi Fleiss had you on speed dial. You spent Christmas in jail on a domestic, you moron. You’re either our next celebrity faux reality rehab show or our next celebrity suicide.


Lindsay Lohan, Serial Freakshow
You used to be hot. Smokin’ hot. Then you imploded, went anorexic, dyed your hair, got wasted on everything from booze to lighter fluid, thought you were a lesbian, made a few really bad movies, and now you look like a crack whore with a collagen fixation. Word to the wise, kiddo; Brittany Murphy was skinny like you and had just had her lips plumped too. For your sake I hope your night-stand pill bottle collection doesn’t look like hers.



Steve McNair, Dishonorable Mention for Serial Sports Adulterer
While I feel terricle for his wife and kids, because they didn’t even know his proclivities, I refuse to feel bad for Steve McNair himself. You lie down with dogs, you end up with fleas. You lead a secret double life with crazy underage bitches who find out that you have other women besides her, you get shot.



Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods, Serial Sports Adulterer
Tiger, Tiger, Tiger…you dummy. You had it all. A cushy “job” where all you had to do was work maybe twice a month in exotic, warm locales, where you smack a ball with a stick in dead silence and then leisurely walk after it while some guy carries your bag. You had endorsement deals out the wazoo. A yacht. A fat house. A trophy wife supermodel from Scandinavia.


And you had to go and piss it all away by ho-in’ around with Waffle House chicks, getting laid in church parking lots? Hundreds of millions of dollars and you couldn’t afford a second prepaid cell phone for ho’s to call you on? I have approximately zero sympathy for you. None, whatsoever. Putz. Enjoy paying alimony & child support with no sponsors, Eldrick. Companies are dropping you like your name was really Osama bin Hitler.



And then there’s this bonehead…


Somewhere in Illinois, or Hawaii, or Indonesia, or Kenya…a village is missing its idiot.