Saturday, January 23, 2010

Look away, Dixie Land; there's nothing to see...

Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the TV and not see Tiger Woods…..WRONG!

Tiger has seemingly been spotted at a sex rehab facility in, of all places, Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Yes, you read that right. Deep in the pants, I mean, heart, of Dixie.

Most people think of those plush, cushy celebrity rehab vacation spots in Palm Springs and Malibu and other fun spots. However, it turns out that the best sedxual addiction clinics in the country include Sierra Tucson in Arizona, Tulane University’s program in New Orleans and the Menninger Clinic’s program in Topeka, Kansas. I’ve been to Topeka, and there’s nothing sexy about it.

Personally, I don’t buy it. Not 100%. He’s doing what every celebrity caught in a public fuckup does when caught with their dick in a blender. They claim to have an addiction, apologize almost sincerely enough to be believed, and then toddle off to rehab to save their reputations and attempt to avoid prosecution and jail time. Look at me, I’m all contrite and sad and broken….fix me.

Bullshit.

I’m not buying the Sexual Addiction angle. Even though some of Tiger’s behaviors are classic sexual addiction markers, like multiple extra-marital affairs, multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands, and exhibitionism in the form of doing the nasty in a church parking lot, he seems to be lacking a few of the others. We’ve received no reports of things like compulsive masturbation, obsessive use of porn, stalking, obsessive dating through personal ads, and using prostitutes…..(no, I’m not a doctor. I looked it up)

I think instead of an addict, he’s a guy who was a horn-dog, a guy who had the ability and resources at his disposal to bang as many chicks as he could. Has anyone spotted him running off to a Porta Potty to squeeze one off in between holes at The Master’s because he can’t help himself? Is he waking up in a filthy hotel room in the red light district, sticky and confused, with a tranny meth-whore fixing his/her wig in the mirrror and rifling his wallet? Is he dropping Roofies from a Pez dispenser? Nahhhhh…..apart from the parking lot romp, all of his actions seem pretty calculated and hidden, which shows a measure of control and possibly restraint, something many addicts in need of rehab stints lack. He’s a PLAYA, baby. He’s a pimp, not a perv. He’s a squirrel tryin’ to get a nut. And he got caught by getting careless and not being bright enough to have a secret pre-paid cell phone. Dude, you epic-failed at Sneaky 101. I learned that much after watching 3 episodes of Cheaters on G4 Network.

It’s hard to feel sorry for a guy who had money rolling out of his ass for chasing a ball around a meadow with a bagfull of sticks, who has a trophy Scandanavian supermodel wife, and pissed it all away banging the Perkins hostess in a church parking lot. He damn near had to spend money to get additional dicks sewn on to keep up with all the places he was parking his johnson. So the wife bails to Sweden with the kids, and he flees to his luxury yacht, and now turns up in freakin’ Hattiesburg?

It’s a ploy to save what few sponsors he has left. He’ll claim addiction, chillax at the ranch, say what Dr. Drew and Company wants to hear, and go back to making boo-coo bucks again.

For what it’s worth Eldrick, there’s not a Perkins in Hattiesburg. The closest one is either Arkansas or Georgia, I think. However, you’ve got 2 or 3 Waffle Houses in Hattiesburg and plenty of church parking lots. Lotsa quality chicks at the Awful Waffle at 3AM, bro. And hey, it’s a college town, and college chicks like to experiment. Just tell ‘em you’re the new celebrity host of Girls Gone Wild. It worked for Snoop Dogg.

4 comments:

Snarky Basterd said...

I nominated this bastard a while back for ...Is a C$%t, a British blog of utmost hilarity. Naturally, he won the ward.

Steve: The Lightning Man said...

I am now a subscriber to isacunt.blogspot.com

j summ said...

i wonder if he got the extra dongs sewn on if it would affect his swing?
plus he would have to change his name from tiger to frankenpenis. that would make it hard, so to speak, for anyone other than trojan, viagra and doc johnson to sponsor him. hey, that's not a bad lineup, i could be his new business manager. what's the number where he's staying?

Krystal said...

You are all twisted! Must be the testosterone and all...

My word verification is "Sonia". I kid you not. Maybe it's the name of one of his hoes...