The Sad Meal

When I was a kid, going out to eat was a special, treasured event. We generally ate at home and only went to a restaurant maybe once a month when I was little, and only slightly more often than that as I hit my teens. If you misbehaved, you certainly weren’t going to be taking a trip to Mickey D’s to yummy down on burgers & fries, let alone a sit-down meal somewhere. You don’t reward kids when they’re bad, despite what the common practice is as of late.

Nowadays, eating out happens all the time and kids are so used to it that it’s no longer all that special, but rather just the norm. Kids just expect that Happy Meal any time they want, no matter how bad and bratty they’ve been. They could burn down half the neighborhood with a can of WD-40 and a Bic lighter, and by God they’ll be pumped full of salt & cholesterol and rolling in that bacteria-laden ball pit in Ronald’s Playland before the end of the evening news.

But what if I’m the one craving a Big Mac, or I realllly don’t wanna cook, but my kid just drew a stick figure with a giant penis on the wall at school? Or he just flushed a tennis ball down the toilet?

Call me Old Skool but I can’t see carting an ill-behaved little turd out for fast food and a toy. Should I be forced to forego my own culinary self-destruction just because my kid’s a shithead? No way, man. I’m ordering my kid a SadMeal™.

A SadMeal™, you say? Indeed, dear reader.

A Happy Meal comes in a brightly colored decorative box full of cartoons, smiles, and a puzzle or two. A choice of a burger of nuggets, fries, and a drink, plus a cheap-assed lead-painted trinket toy from China geared towards whatever Hollywood crapfest is being pushed that week. A veritable Kinder-Nirvana.

Not so with a SadMeal™.

A SadMeal™ comes in a non-descript, plain cardboard box that feels a bit rough and sandpapery, with the only real decoration being the disapproving scowl of Rosie O’Donnell. Instead of a fun puzzle or activity, your little penitent is burdened by an algebraic equation.


Instead of a choice of entrees, the choice here lies in the side items. Your little hellion gets the option of a small cup of lima beans or Brussels sprouts. The entrée is a 5-piece order of Liver McNuggets. We’re not total animals; the kid also gets to choose his/her dipping sauce. The choices are: Painful Wasabi, Olde English Malt Vinegar, Nguoc-Nam Vietnamese Fish Sauce, or our own special McBlender Sauce of Dill Pickle Juice, Anchovies, Cayenne Pepper, and Sea Salt. You can still opt to give your kid a soda should you choose, but we offer only Moxie soda with the SadMeal™, or you can also opt for an ice-cold carton of fresh asparagus juice.


Yeah, man. Punishment rations for bad kids, and the best part: no toy, and they get to watch you enjoying your meal. Da-da-da-da-daaaaaaah….you’re hatin’ it!