Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The North Korea Situation: A User's Guide by my friend Tommy

Many of you will remember my high school buddy Tommy from my article on the fire aboard USS Miami from last August. This is his spin on things.

OK I got this whole North Korea thing figured out on how it will play out, Follow along:

NK will launch missiles at the U.S. South Korea, and Japan. Why Japan? I dunno, maybe because they're afraid Tokyo will summon Godzilla or something.

We of course will attempt to shoot down the NK missiles, and if one should slip by, we will launch a retaliatory strike.

If we launch, China will launch against Taiwan. That means we will launch against China. Shit at Walmart just got real fucking expensive.

Of course this will mean Pakistan and India will launch against each other, resulting in China launching against India, and Great Britain launching against China, but in a "civilized" way with high tea promptly at 4p.m. with crumpets and scones. After all, war must be proper.

Israel will launch against everyone in the middle east, resulting in Russia launching against Israel, and us sticking our noses in that too and launching against Russia, who will of course launch against us.

The French will launch against Tahiti because that's where they already tested their nukes, so why not launch them there anyway, and then will promptly surrender to the Germans like they have in the last couple of major conflicts, because that's what they do.

And when it's said and done, some primitive tribe in what's left of the South American rain forest will be the new world super power.

No comments: