Am I actually married?

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, do ducks marry?

It's been funny watching everyone spin outta control on social media the past week or two, verily a pantheon of whirling dervishes losing their collective minds.

The reason?

The Supreme Court is hearing arguments about gay marriage. My friends on both sides of the equation are foaming at the mouth. Those in favor of it all changed their profile pics on Twitter and Facebook to pink equal signs. Those against all started spouting Bible verses and called for boycotting Starbucks for supporting gay marriage.

I'm all for boycotting Starbucks, but not over gay marriage. I simply refuse to pay nine effing dollars for a cup of coffee.

I agree, but for VASTLY different reasons.

If you've followed me for awhile, you'll know I've written about gay marriage and my support of gays in general more than just a couple of times. Try here, here, here, here, here, here, or here, for starters.

Many of my compatriots and peers in the conservative ranks disagree with my stance on same sex marriage. In fact, this Dr. Ben Carson fellow that seems to be the new conservative darling on Twitter, has said that as far as he's concerned, marriage is one man and one woman married in a church under the eyes of God ( I paraphrase. I looked for an exact quote on what I heard on the radio & couldn't find it). This has me wondering....if you folks reading this agree with that definition, then am I actually married in your eyes?

Some of you, die hard Catholics I guess, would frown upon the fact I am divorced, as is my current wife. For this second marriage of mine, I was not married in a church, either. Rather, we got hitched in front of the plantation mansion at Boone Hall during the annual Scottish Games in full kilted regalia. I was not even married by a clergy member. My friend Jackie, a notary public from the UK, officiated. Our self-penned vows were not the traditional religious-themed vows found in most ceremonies. As part of the ceremony we did a Celtic hand-fasting (gasp! a pagan rite!) and we jumped a broom afterwards (gasp! More heathen rituals!)

So, by everyone's strict definition of marriage, I must not be married, despite that scrap of paper I had to quickly sign afterwards to make it legal? After all, it's that precious scrap of paper that everyone seems to need as proof of being married. So, seemingly, marriage is but a legal contract that binds us together as opposed to some religious ceremonial bugaboo.

But Steve, them awful homosexicals are an abomination against the sanctity of marriage betwixt man and woman and they make baby Jesus cry.....

Look, your Christian Bible is chock-a-block FULL of spurious forms of traditional Biblical marriages.

Remember, that Old Testament lets you have slaves and concubines, too. Hooray, Bible!

And as for the sanctity of marriage, let's look at, say, Kim "Sex Tapes" Kardashian, famous for, of course, making a sex tape that launched her faux reality empire. She's currently embroiled in a nasty divorce case while carrying some other dude's baby, namely noted asshat Kanye West, who now thinks he owns her. It was NOT her first marriage, either. That's pretty sanctified. After a 55-hour "oopsie" marriage to an old friend, Britney Spears married a guy who had left his pregnant babymomma to marry a meal ticket. Two kids later they split up and she melted down. Pretty sanctified.

Actually, she FILED for divorce 72 days later. Her "husband" is contesting it saying she conned him.

Remember, even here in America, Land of the Free, wives were once property. Speaking of alleged property, slaves had to get permission to marry. Up until the civil rights movement, marrying outside your race was illegal. So, seriously, people; get with the times.

One of the people who spoke to the Supreme Court was Edith Windsor, an 83-year-old New Yorker and widow who married her female partner in Canada, a marriage also recognized by the state of New York. She had been with her partner Thea Speyer in a committed relationship for over 40 years. Sadly, Thea passed away in 2009, two years after they married. Windsor now seeks federal recognition of their marriage so she won't have to pay $363,000 in estate taxes because the federal government does not recognize their marriage as valid. A survivor in a heterosexual marriage would not have to pay this tax. This simply is not fair or right.

Thea and Edie

You may recall back in 2009 when I wrote about my friend Paul, who was stuck dealing with the financial mess surrounding the medical practice and estate of his partner of over 14 years, Gervais Frechette. Paul was stuck holding the bag for all the bills without the survivor benefits or recognition a heterosexual survivor spouse would enjoy. Again, this isn't right.

And before you Liberals out there pounce on the Right and laying the blame our way, it was serial adulterer William Jefferson Clinton, President Slick Willie himself, who signed the Defense of Marriage Act into law.

That alone should nullify it.