Wednesday, June 5, 2013

My Big Fat Redneck Update

As you'll recall, a few weeks ago I posted about what seemed to be a renaissance of sorts for the rednecks of America. Every network seems to be clamoring for a slice of possum pie, as it were, but all of a sudden America may have bitten off more than it can chew.

Of course, there was the likeable kid from MTV's "Buckwild", Shain Gandee. Dead at the ripe old age of 21 by what could euphemistically be called "misadventure" and "accidental causes". If you can call getting shitfaced and going mudding with two other guys "misadventure" and leaving your piece of shit Bronco running with the windows up after you bury it in the mud with the exhaust submerged so the carbon monoxide channels back into the cab to kill you "accidental causes". In other Buckwild news, 24 year old cast-mate Salwa Amin, the buxom Bangladeshi who was arrested in March for possession of heroin and Oxycodone, was released and enroute to rehab. Another cast mate, Michael Burford, was arrested for DUI in February. MTV finally cancelled the show. Maybe the leftover cast mates can get together with the refugees from Jersey Shore and have a mashup of rednecks and Guidos.

Salwa Amin. Not your typical redneck.

Up the road from me in Myrtle Manor, as the episodes wore on it just seemed more & more contrived & scripted yet it's been renewed for a second season. Not sure if all the cast members will be returning as three of them were arrested in a 3-day span. Amanda Adamswas popped on a DUI charge after wrecking her Jeep, and had a BAC of .20; our legal limit here in SC is .08. Drunk much? Fellow cast mate Lindsay Colbert was busted doing 62 in a 45 and blew a .15 BAC. Lovely. And 28 year old Taylor Burt, the heavily tattooed and pierced party promoter was busted for allegedly having sex with an underaged girl.

Amanda's Jeep after she hit a pole while almost 3 times over the limit

The teen girl said she asked her mom to drop her off at the Sound Hole concert venue around 6:30 p.m.  Once there, she claimed she messaged Burt about wanting to "hang out." (How did she get his number? I'm perplexed). She says Burt came to that location, picked her up, and took her to his apartment nearby.(I thought he lived in the tariler park?) She claims the pair had sex and Burt told her to not tell anyone because he could get into trouble.  The report said Burt told her it was "their little secret and they would do it again soon." . When the victim's mother picked her up, she said the teen was not acting right and asked her what was wrong. (Well, maybe because you dropped a 16 year old off at a club alone, mom? WTF?) The victim told her mom what happened and from there they went to the police department to file a report.The victim was later taken to a hospital but refused to have a rape kit done, the report said. (Hmmm, suspicious) Police also noted that there was no record of any "messages" sent or received between the victim and Burt on her phone; the victim told police she has deleted the messages. (Convenient. Subpeona the records...) The victim said she did not know the suspect's last name but knew he was on the TLC show Myrtle Manor, the report said. The victim's mom told police that she and her daughter had driven through the Myrtle Manor location earlier that day and talked about the show. (I smell a honey trap)...Burt was released on $25,000 bond.

Taylor Burt's mugshot.
 Over in the swamp, things are also getting kinda repetitive and scripted. The narration calls every gator a "beast" and a "monster". You'll see what appears to be a very small, thin gator on the line as the fight it and after it's killed a giant is dragged into the boat. Or, they'll say it's a big gator, not tell you how big it was, and a small gator is hauled in. The stage is set for every season to be the most difficult ever and no one is going to tag out, but on the last day pretty much everyone's a winner. A lot of people were wondering why fan favorites Joe & Tommy were not on the show this season and it might have something to do with Joe no longer being Tommy's stepfather. Seems Joe split up with his wife and I only found out after spotting Joe's arrest for Criminal Domestic Violence last summer before gator season on his girlfriend of nine months.

Joe LaFont's mugshot

 According to the arrest report Joe hit her in the chest and attempted to burn her arm with a lit cigarette during an argument outside of a Lake Buena Vista, Florida hotel on Disney property. Per the report, a witness told police that the two were leaving the hotel bar when Joe "grabbed the victim by the upper arms, shook her very hard and she cried out loud...The defendant and the victim appeared to be intoxicated." The victim, who refused medical attention at the scene, appeared to have been angry at Joe and was demanding to know who had just called him on his cell phone, the witness said. She tried to grab his phone and that's when he attempted to burn her arm, the witness added. The arresting officer said that, standing at arm's length away, he smelled booze on Joe's breath, as well as the "strong odor of burned cigarette." He was taken into custody and later released on a $1,500 bond. His girlfriend, who refused to press charges, said in a sworn statement to police that they had been in an "intimate relationship" for nine months and had been living "as a family" for the last six months.

No scandals over on Duck Dynasty but the runaway sensation hit show could hit a snag in returning next year. The cast wants more money, seeing as they are damn near the most popular show on television right now. Networks love shows like these as they can be churned out for peanuts and the cast usually makes a pittance while the network rakes in tidy profits. The trouble comes when they want more money, usually with the end result of the network dumping the show. Part of me is behind the cast of Duck Dynasty; why should someone else get fat off of them while they get a small paycheck? However, their Duck Commander company makes money hand over fist and they get a piece of the action from all the shirt & hat they ain't hurtin' for money to buy a lunch at the Waffle House.

And then there was Honey Boo Boo....

They aired a couple of "holiday specials" from the Honey Boo Boo gang a couple months back, but with no new episodes I'm wondering if the show's momentum or lack thereof will bring back viewers when it returns to the airwaves again. Allegedly Mama June lost some weight and finally married Sugar Bear in the off-season. They wore camo, of course...camo and safety orange, the child wore this ruffled pink monstrosity, and half the attendees wore shoes for the first time in months.

Could it be the Redneck Renaissance is passing? I guess Gypsies are the next big thing.....after all they seem like wealthy white trash rednecks with a Jersey Shore attitude.....Hmmm...maybe we found that hybrid after all?

No comments: