Saturday, May 12, 2007

Paris Hilton Is a Waste of Skin

I’d like to start with publicly declaring to Paris Hilton: I think you are a complete Waste of Skin and I would shed nary a tear if Arab Jihad scumbags beheaded you live on streaming Internet.

There, that felt good. I mean, for shit’s sake, her sole occupation seems to be that of Public Spectacle. I was overjoyed that for once, a celebutante was actually sentenced to jail for a crime, instead of some liberal pansy-assed pussy of a judge offering up probation or community service. And not some day-care vacation day-spa jail either, but a real actual lockup. Sure, Martha Stewart went to jail but it was some low-key facility where she showed her fellow inmates how to knit shawls and make a holiday centerpiece by spray-painting the turkey carcass gold and stringing beads through its ass. Even as many times as Robert Downey Jr. has been locked up, which all told could amount to more time than Hitler served in 1923, it wasn’t exactly the bowels of Riker’s Island getting sold for a pack of smokes to a big dude named Leroy and getting ass-raped to the point where his Hershey Highway ended in the Holland Tunnel. Wynona Ryder shoplifted and got probation. Mel Gibson got a DUI and received probation, and after a televised boo-hoo and a brief stint at a day-spa calling itself a rehab ward, he’s still the darling of the liberal media.

Back to Hilton…this bony twat seems to feel some sort of sense of entitlement for being born rich. After an arrest for DUI, she later gets arrested for driving on her suspended license. The judge in the case sentenced her to 45 days in jail, which is a hell of a lot less time you or me would have gotten for the same offenses. Miss Shitforbrains had the fucking audacity to plead to the judge that she couldn’t afford to be away from her career for that long, or some such similar whining, and prattled on about how she doesn’t even open her own mail and has people who do that for her. This officially makes her Dumber Than Hair. There’s actually an internet petition going around to ask Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger to grant her clemency and commute her sentence. Why? So she can get back to her demanding work schedule? The last fucking thing she did that was even remotely close to work was pulling off the biggest musical scam since Milli Vanilli when she released an album last year. Even the cd from Hulk Hogan’s kid has more street cred than Paris Hilton's.

Holy shit…how tough can her life possibly be? She gets up at the crack of noon, licks a rice cake for breakfast, goes to the salon, and then goes shopping. Around 10 PM she gets spotted eating a $400.00 salad at some trendy bistro, throws it up in the bathroom, does a line or two, and then jets off to some club, drinks 32 Red Bull and Grey Goose shooters, and parties till 5AM. Somehow she makes it home, pours herself into her sheets and the litany starts over again. In the rare event that she should actually ingest enough food to make a turd pebble, she wipes her ass with hundred-dollar bills. And I’m supposed to have sympathy for her? My buddy Steve Simpson is headed back to Iraq for a third fucking tour, risking his ass in Bush’s Folly for the next 15 months so that privileged little fucktards can snivel about getting a 45-day sentence? Then again, 45 days without getting your picture taken with no panties on at some swanky party is like 20 years hard time to us pee-ons. If Schwartzenegger commutes her sentence, he may as well move back to Austria, renounce his American citizenship and raise goats.

Fuck you, Paris. Fuck you with something hard and sand-papery. That’s hot.

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