Thursday, July 2, 2009
Hey, Wannabe Idols! Make sure to sing Jacko songs at the auditions!
Oh yes...lose what little minds you have left....
Just a thought, but I got to wondering something. If it’s the height of summer, that means that hundreds of thousands of kids who sing like shit, and a couple hundred who sing pretty well, are converging on 6 American cities to sing the same dreck over and over auditioning for American Idol. Four of the auditions are already over (Boston, Chicago, Dallas, and Atlanta) but there’s still time to (waste) spend your money or your parents’ money and go camp out like some filthy hippie following the Grateful Dead in either Orlando next week or Denver the week after that.
Many of you are just trying to be a big enough asstard that Idol will put you on TV for a minute dressed like a fucking idiot or making a total fool of yourself. One or two of your friends will think you’re cool, but the other 300 million people in America will just laugh at you, and not in a good way.
Sadly, many, many more of you are going there because you think you can sing. I have news for you; you can’t. You sound like shit and will look like an embarrassing train wreck. Now, some of you will be such a ginormous train wreck that the pre-judges will push you forward to embarrass yourself in front of the actual Big Four judges on TV to fill in the blanks on the auditions shows since America loves to watch people fail epically.
Here’s a clue: if you have never sung in front of a large crowd, I suggest trying THAT before you audition. If you can’t do it, stay the hell home. Record yourself singing. If you sound like shit, stay the hell home. Your mom is not a competent judge of your talent; you could scream bloody murder to the tune of happy birthday whilst naked and smeared with elephant shit and she’d think you sounded good.
Dress appropriately but dress like yourself, with just a bit of panache. Don’t go looking like a circus freak or a crack whore, because that’s how people will remember you. “Oh you were the crack whore on Idol this year…how quaint!” And look, if you’re, shall we say, a tad thick in the middle, for piss sakes wear enough clothes to cover your rolls. Don’t show up on TV lookin’ like ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.
Learn some songs. Preferably, learn something a bit unique. I’m terribly sick of hearing you people butcher Mariah Carey and Celine Dion. I’m sick of hearing the same five Stevie Wonder songs. Ladies, please stop with the fucking “Black Velvet”, okay? Allanah Myles was a one-hit wonder twenty years ago and that song has truly worn thin.
And no matter how tacky it’ll be, I just know that you pathetic turds are gonna try and milk the popularity-from-sympathy angle and sing an assload of Michael Jackson songs. He’s dead, and freshly so, so let’s milk that tit and ride that bandwagon, right? The judges will love it, right? Nahhhhh…they’ll think you’re a douche.
They want a pop star, so sing something that was popular, at least in the past 5 years. Please, guys, don’t show up in a pinstripe zoot-suit and croon shit from the 40’s. Frank Sinatra is dead and we already have Michael Bublé and Harry Conick. And all of you, quit singing shit that other Idol winners sang after they won. That’s just sucking up and it sounds stupid. You won’t score brownie points by butchering Carrie Underwood.
This will be the year that Idol jumps the shark. I feel it in my bones.