Thursday, January 7, 2010

Now boarding, Flight 666 to ObamaLand

Last call for Flight 666 to ObamaLand...

I remember it like it was yesterday…or maybe last week.

After the Christmas 2009 incident in Detroit when the UndieBomber burned his scrotum off trying to blow up a plane, Comrade Chairman Obama (Blessed Be His Name) enacted sweeping changes to the airline industry. Aftre valiantly foiling the potential Man Caused Disaster, Comrade Field Marshal Napolitano was able to ascertain that the criminally evil and corrupt Bush Administration was to blame for causing the global warming climate change that made the UndieBomber lash out (rightly so) against capitalism. Comrade Speaker Pelosi of the Politburo conferred instant citizenship upon the poor wretch immediately, hailing him as a true American patriot.

The government mandated sweeping draconian security measures in the weeks immediately following. At first, passengers were forced to remain in their seats for the final hour of the flight, with laps empty. Then they had to sit the entire flight, with their hands on their heads. Bathroom breaks were done by rows under guard. This was then alleviated by making all passengers show up 3 days prior to their flight to be starved so that there’d be no solid waste to evacuate and to have catheters installed to take care of liquid waste. Passengers would then fly naked and handcuffed to their seats.

Now we have passengers show up a week in advance to undergo security interviews, background checks, DNA screening for diseases and database cataloging, polygraphs and oral interviews. After a quarantine, all bodily fluids are then drained from the body to comply with the No Liquids Law of 2010. Passengers were then cryogenically frozen in a block of carbonite, like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back. After hardening in their stasis cocoons, passengers were then stacked like cordwood.
Luggage itself was outlawed to force passengers to stimulate the economy by buying new clothes at their destination. The airlines themselves were no longer able to make money off of passenger amenities like blankets or food or extra bags or oxygen, and so thusly received huge bailouts. This in turn saw the nationailzation of all airlines of U.S. ownership, creating Government Airways in 2012.

Since the stacked passengers no longer required actual seats or windows or flight attendants, civilian airliners were all given to members of Congress so that each could have a personal aircraft at their free beck and call. Civil “Carbonite Flights” were instead flown on US Air Force C-17 cargo jets, leaving no military airlift capability in the nation. Have no fear; American military cargo, what little remains, is sent by government contracted sailboats to redistribute the wealth to poorer nations while reducing carbon emissions. Emergency military flights were contracted to Third World nations operating surplus Soviet aircraft from the 70’s.

As part of The Great World Apology and Redistribution Plan of 2010, airline hubs were also changed. Delta Airlines former hub in Atlanta was yanked out of a traditionally Republican state and moved to Mexico City. American Airlines kept their Pittsburgh hub due to union connections, but Continental moved from Newark to Hugo Chavez International in Caracas. A Delta flight from Nashville to Boston would route through Mexico City, and an American flight from Seattle to Kansas City routed through Caracas. United was of course able to keep its hub in Chicago. No one messes with Chicago thanks to Chairman Obama (Blessed Be His Name). However, O’Hare had a name change to Obama International Hope & Change Gateway to the Future, and Midway was changed to Che Guevara Jetport.

Yeah…laugh it up because the truth is gonna be stranger than fiction. These governmental assclowns missed all the signs that pointed to this terrorist attack and that this terrorist/enemy combatant posed a dangerous threat to the security of this nation. I refuse to use namby pamby terms like “alleged” in referring to him. Dude’s guilty, flat busted, caught red-handed and burned-balls. This guy made a concerted effort to kill hundreds of people and readily admits his connection to terror networks. And yet, people are granting him the same rights to due process and legal protections afforded to United States citizens.

This guy should have been waterboarded and interrogated. Instead, he’s given free medical treatment, given a free huckster lawyer, and advised of his new rights, including the right to remain silent.

They bump Joan freakin’ Rivers off a flight because her passport looks suspicious, and they let anybody in a man-dress screaming “Allah Akhbar” waltz through unchecked in the name of political correctness. And we get the same knee-jerk reactions to terrorist acts time & again. They don’t necessarily make it harder for radicals to attack us, but instead further & further inconvenience travelers.

If I fly from Australia to Paris, I can get up and pee up till we hit final approach, and I can read a book in my lap the whole way. But flying into America, I lose any and all sense of being a free American returning to my ostensibly free country. Whatever a terrorist tries, it creates another set of rules, restrictions, and laws that make it unbearable to even think about travel. One asshole sets his shoe on fire, and people wait for hours in lines in bare feet. They hear about liquid explosives, and no one can carry more than a thimble full of anything remotely wet. Now that our little friend from Nigeria blew off his knickers I guess they’ll outlaw undies on flights to and from America. Not that it stops terrorism but the Beltway Bunch has to be seen as doing something.

They should outlaw breast implants on planes; they could be filled with explosives. And holy shit, no one’s gonna frisk a chick in a Burka; she might get offended. All of Islam would be offended and fatwas issued and Jihads called for, and then the woman would be killed for flying, or killed for not blowing herself up, or just killed for being a woman. Typical day in IslamoLand.

Yup, the terrorists will be sewing their own boobie-bombs into their chests any day now.

At least one European government says they’ll begin doing full-body scanning on all passengers headed to the USA. Not on all passengers. Not on random passengers flying anywhere in the world. Just people headed here. Well, shitfire, Abdullah, I guess you better fly to Canada and drive across, huh? Fly to friendly Venezuela, then to Mexico and just walk across the sieve we call a border. Of course, everyone here clamors for full body scanners in all American airports until they’re the one being scanned and laughed at, or until they’re the ones who have to pay for these $200,000 machines.

Note: would it make sense to stop sending bogus stimulus money to ZIP codes and Congressional districts that DO NOT EXIST, and instead funnel that money into things that actually work? Things that deter and/or stop terrorist activity? Nahhhh, that makes too damned much sense. Especially when shovel-ready under this administration means bullshit money sprinkled here & there to placate a few people and the bulk of the money stays in the ether until just before the elections….

It was quality entertainment to see the Inner Circle of Power backpedal after Comrade Janet stated the system worked, when it was an epic fail. Obie now declares "ultimately the buck stops with me," and hey, why stop there? Ultimately, several TRILLION bucks stop with you, and start with you, and revolve around you. John Brennan took a share of the blame, and rightly so as he continued his ski trip after the news broke of the attack. Hell, Obie Himself couldn’t be pulled away from Hawaii for four full days afterwards.

Now, not to defend Obama (oh HELL no!) scurrying immediately back to DC may have sent encouragement to Al Qaeda by sending everyone into Full Crisis Mode after a failed attack, but really, Obie, you should have had an immediate major presser where you highlighted the seriousness of the event and reassured the country that it failed. You seem to enjoy interrupting TV shows every few weeks so why stop now? Instead, you hid for four days & acted frikkin’ annoyed that you had to be bothered by the tedium of being the alleged Commander In Chief. Sorry to interrupt yet another vacation and drag you back via luxurious Air Force One to the Global Warming paradise of Washington.

UndieBomber was indicted yesterday. Coincidentally, they also revoked his visa. Seriously.

So, we wanna bring Khalid Sheik Mohamed to New York to enjoy our legal amenities, and we’ve extended full legal protections to UndieBomber so that maybe he can do a plea bargain. WTF? I repeat….WTF? Plea Bargain? The only choice he should get is whether we shoot him in the back of the head or the front, and the only courtesy is a blindfold. This is a WAR, people. They really don’t care if they die, so why waste our time & resources prolonging it? In war, you kill people. They have no compunctions against killing us. They would gladly kill you, and gladly kill me.

Try redirecting those bullshit stimulus dollars, and those excess TARP fund, to putting armed air marshals on our flights. Pay ‘em 80 grand a year. That should take up a 3 billion dollar TARP surplus. Shovel-ready jobs, chief. Shovel damned ready.

Either that or put a Dutch film director on every flight.


Fuzzy Slippers said...

Hilarious!! Love this post :)

Anonymous said...

That was the flight I was on. When I disembarked I found pretzels in the most amazing places.

jay son said...

it is worse than just a plea bargain. john brennan deputy assistant national security adviser, said even though this guy lawyered up, we might still be able to extract info from him by "negotiating" with him through his taxpayer funded lawyer. they don't even begin to understand the difference between an act of war and an armed robbery. also if we have to follow the example of the first pic, no more flying for me. some of those "cougars" look more like overweight house cats.

Brooke said...

That was great!

Carbonite flights! LOL!

Seriously, don't give 'em any ideas...

Krystal said...

The day I have to go through a pat down or full body scanner I will NEVER NEVER NEVER fly again!

I find that both violate me and my right to decised who gets to see and/or touch my body.

As I wrote in a post on my blog, the U.S. Government is so concerned with offending the group of people that the terrorists are actually coming from, that they choose to offend us all!

Anonymous said...

There's a movement to radically change California government, by getting rid of career politicians and chopping their salaries in half. A group known as Citizens for California Reform wants to make the California legislature a part time time job, just like it was until 1966.

Anonymous said...

There's a movement to radically change California government, by getting rid of career politicians and chopping their salaries in half. A group known as Citizens for California Reform wants to make the California legislature a part time time job, just like it was until 1966.