Saturday, June 30, 2007

Saddam was stockpiling sparklers.....

As another July 4th holiday approaches, in the midst of taking our freedom for granted, feeding our obesity at picnics and sending all our money to China via Fourth of July sales at Wal-Mart, thoughts often turn to celebratory fireworks.

I grew up in the Maryland burbs where you couldn’t buy your own fireworks easily, nor did you really need to. You went out in the yard or up on the roof and watched the displays in nearby College Park or as far away as DC itself. I guess I grew up a little spoiled by easy access to massive holiday fireworks displays. And while we didn’t shoot off our own in the yard, we always managed to have a few sparklers around on the Fourth. Like any normal kid, we’d run around to and fro with our hands waving our little torches, and we thought it was just the coolest shit imaginable.

When I was in the Army, one of the few cool things about being stationed out at Fort Riley, Kansas was the fact the fireworks were legal for purchase the week before the Fourth. When you’re that far removed from big towns and cities with displays, you end up making your own, though the base itself put on a pretty nice show and invited all the locals to attend. Being mature, responsible Military Policemen, we’d all pool together a couple hundred bucks and buy a massive stockpile of pyrotechnics like we were Guy Fawkes blowing up Parliament. We’d semi-illegally set off about half our stash on the Fourth and then cache the rest like the Viet Cong, breaking it out to do stupid shit like tossing smoke bombs into the gate shacks, bottle rocket fights in the hallways of the barracks, and tossing lit bricks of 250 firecrackers under your buddy’s door at 3 AM. Bear in mind, these were pre-WW2 wooden tinderboxes we were living in that would ignite at the slightest spark. Mature & responsible indeed; that was us.

Now I live in South Carolina, where fireworks stands and full-blown warehouse stores are running neck and neck with Starbucks for command of every street corner. Some of these stores are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, so if you get a sudden craving to light off a display at 1AM to celebrate Sweden’s National Waffle Day on March 25th, you can. Someone will gladly accommodate you, right of any exit on I-95, where any mook from the Jersey burbs can buy a box of Black Cats and later get arrested by Newark’s Finest.

The other sure thing that’s become synonymous with July Fourth is the annual litany of well-meaning but trite news blurbs on local as well as national TV about the dangers of fireworks. I’m 38, and I know that for at least 30 of those years I’ve had to watch some poor mannequin get its fingers blown off by an M-80, and slabs of beef get scorched by Roman candles. Horror stories of disasters and tragedies will be used to frighten and dissuade the masses from enjoying fireworks in their yards. The latest report I caught had some whining ninny railing against kids using sparklers because, according to this pundit, sparklers burn at the same temperature as electric arc-welders. Who’da thunk it? Sparklers are the WMD’s.

I’m not saying that these warnings are useless, though. Each year, drunken fruitcakes across the land, including here in the Deep South, utter those immortal words “Hold my beer while I get the matches”, and end up a side note on the evening news. And a couple days ago a 9-year old kid in Maryland was burned when his pants caught fire after he put a lit sparkler in his pocket. Yes….he put a burning stick in his pocket. Someone pissed in the gene pool, methinks. Most kids figure out before age 9 that flaming objects and pants pockets don’t mix. Keep an eye on this kid; he’ll end up in the White House for sure.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Thanks, FDNY pipes & drums

New York bagpipe corps to join memorial to heroes
By Andy Paras, Warren Wise
The Post and Courier
Friday, June 22, 2007

The pipe and drum corps that played at each funeral for the 343 firefighters killed on 9/11 in New York will be called to duty today when the musicians play during a memorial service for the nine Charleston firefighters killed in Monday's furniture store blaze.

Thirty-five members of the New York City Fire Department Emerald Society Pipes and Drums bagpipe band took a 15-hour bus trip Thursday to be here for the 10 a.m. service. Band members are expected to be among 200 New York City firefighters at the memorial ceremony.

"In New York City, this is a significant part of the funeral," said Richard Fanning, a retired New York City deputy fire chief with more than 31 years of firefighting experience. " 'Amazing Grace' is played. The concluding tune as the hearses are led away is a traditional Irish pipe tune called 'Going Home.' ... We hope it will add some sense of comfort to the firefighters and their families."

Fanning, who now lives in Bluffton, is not part of the band but is working with the South Carolina State Firefighters Association to coordinate today's events.

"These disasters rip the hearts and souls out of fire departments," Fanning said. "It will be a long-lasting tragedy. It leaves holes in a lot of lives. It will take a lot of strength and a lot of support to keep everybody moving in a positive direction."

The New York firefighters tried to get flights to Charleston but could not make arrangements on short notice, so a North Charleston business executive paid for their trip.

"If they were willing to endure a 15-hour bus ride, the expense was an afterthought," said Grant Reeves, president of PBI Performance Products Inc. of North Charleston. The company makes a flame-retardant fiber used in the outer shell of firefighters' gear such as jackets, pants and hoods.

Nicholas Giordano Jr., who retired as a New York City firefighter a year after the 2001 attacks, said the Charleston and New York fire departments have ties going back nearly 30 years, when two 18-year-olds who wanted to join the Charleston department went to the Bronx to see how it was done.

Those two teens who went on calls with Giordano later became battalion chiefs in Charleston.

The relationship between the departments just grew, Giordano said. "There's always that brotherhood of firefighters. They were always there to help us out, and that's why we drove all the way down here to help them out."

Several Charleston firefighters went to New York to help after Giordano's station lost eight firefighters in the 2001 terrorist attacks.

Giordano said New York firefighters have been visiting Myrtle Beach since 2002 for an annual golf outing. The Charleston firefighters cook the steaks.

He got to know Capt. Louis Mulkey, who died in Monday's blaze, and several others through the cookouts.

"It's just a big tragedy," Giordano said. "For Charleston, losing nine firefighters is tantamount to New York losing the large number we did."

New Mexico shows class too

Thanks, Governor Richardson.......

SANTA FE – Governor Bill Richardson today ordered flags to fly at half-staff to honor the nine South Carolina firefighters who were killed in the line of duty.

"Firefighters are trained to make the ultimate sacrifice -- to walk into the worst danger and to risk their lives without hesitation,” said Governor Bill Richardson. “Early this week, nine South Carolina firefighters ran into a burning building to protect the lives of their fellow citizens trapped inside. These firefighters taught us the true meaning of the words courage, honor, and duty."

"The citizens of New Mexico are grateful for the actions of these selfless heroes and it is with great sadness that we extend our thoughts and prayers to the families and friends that were left behind.”

In honor and mourning of the South Carolina Firefighters killed in the line of duty earlier this week, Governor Richardson ordered that all flags be flown at half-staff on Friday, June 22, 2007.

The text of the executive order follows:




WHEREAS, on Monday June 18th, nine South Carolina Firefighters tragically lost their lives fighting a fire in a Charleston, South Carolina furniture warehouse;

WHEREAS, the heroes included Capt. William “Billy” Hutchinson, Capt. Mike Benke, Capt. Louis Mulkey, Engineer Mark Kelsey, Engineer Bradford “Brad” Baity, Assistant Engineer Michael French, Firefighter James “Earl” Drayton, Firefighter Brandon Thompson, and Firefighter Melvin Champaign;

WHEREAS, these firefighters made the ultimate sacrifice, risking their lives without hesitation as they ran into a burning building to protect the lives of those trapped inside. These firefighters taught us the true meaning of the words courage, honor, and duty;

WHEREAS, the citizens of New Mexico are grateful for the actions of these selfless heroes and it is with great sadness that we extend our thoughts and prayers to the families and friends that were left behind; and

WHEREAS, this tragedy reminds us of the tremendous sacrifice that the men and women of the fire services throughout New Mexico make as they fight to preserve and protect the health, safety and welfare of our States' citizens and property.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Bill Richardson, Governor of the State of New Mexico, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the Laws of the State of New Mexico do hereby order that all flags be flown at half-staff on Friday, June 22, 2007, in honor and mourning of the South Carolina Firefighters.







Thursday, June 21, 2007

Can't Touch This

Once again, sissy-assed namby-pamby dickheads are doing their utmost to litigate rather than educate. In Vienna, Virginia, a 13-year-old middle school honor-roll student was busted for briefly putting his arm around the shoulder of his girlfriend, incurring the wrath of the lunch monitor in flagrant violation of the school’s NO TOUCHING policy.

In the Fairfax County’s Kilmer Middle School, kids can’t touch. Period. The rule isn’t limited to fighting, or inappropriate groping. No hi-5’s, because a simple hi-5 leads to brawls in their eyes. The school PTA’s president, Laurie Baker, intimated in an interview with CNN (not in so many words) that kids have no restraint or self control and that a simple hi-5 between 2 boys will lead directly to 3-5 other kids joining in, with elbows and feet flying. What the fuck, lady? It’s the equivalent of a handshake, not a bench-clearing brawl. A simple hand slap between two adolescent kids is not the hallway equivalent of the 1983 Washington Redskins end-zone celebrations.

Ms. Baker says the rules prevent harassment and inappropriate behavior and helps keep order in an overcrowded school. The school principal, Deborah Hernandez, stated that certain handshakes are gang signs and stated that in a culturally diverse school some families have different views on appropriate physical contact. Tough shit, lady. So instead of teaching kids to politely shake hands when meeting someone socially, we’ve taught them to fear handshakes as a sign of clandestine gang activity. And for these other assclowns worried about their precious cultural sensibilities being impugned upon: so fucking what. This is AMERICA, and we shake hands. We hug our friends. We hi-5 as a way to say hello. Maybe you should have stayed in your third world village hovel eating dung beetles and wearing canvas sacks instead of coming here and not embracing the culture of the country who took you in.

Rules are a good thing. They keep us a civilized society so that we don’t spiral downwards into anarchy. But for fuck’s sake, let’s try not to legislate and micromanage every single move a 13-year-old kid makes.

Vermont shows some serious class

Vermont Flags Will Fly At Half-Staff for South Carolina Firefighters

Lt. Governor Brian Dubie Releases Official Statement As Acting Governor

Following consultation with Governor Jim Douglas, Lt. Governor Brian Dubie today released a message to Governor Mark Sanford and the people of South Carolina, on the death of 9 firefighters in a Charleston blaze earlier this week. The message follows:

Dear Governor Sanford,

On behalf of Vermont Governor James Douglas, Vermont’s firefighters, and the people of the State of Vermont, I send our deepest condolences to you and the people of South Carolina on the devastating loss of the nine brave firefighters who perished in the City of Charleston’s horrific blaze.

We reach out with our prayers to their grieving families, their friends and fellow firefighters, knowing that the loss they suffer is both profound, and beyond our imagination.

These firefighters are heroes whose lives will forever serve as a monument to the courage, skill, sacrifice, and selflessness of firefighters everywhere.

As acting governor in Governor Jim Douglas' absence, I am asking today that State of Vermont flags on all buildings be lowered to half-staff on Friday, June 22, 2007, the day that Mayor Riley has declared as the City of Charleston’s day of mourning. In addition, Governor Douglas has ordered that the flag of South Carolina fly over our State House that same day.

Very respectfully,

Lt Governor Brian Dubie

State of Vermont

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Remembering the Charleston 9

In memoriam to nine of South Carolina's finest who made the ultimate sacrifice in the line of duty last night in West Ashley. Gone, but certainly not forgotten.

Captain William "Billy" Hutchinson, 48, 30 years of service

Captain Mike Benke, 49, 29 years of service

Captain Louis Mulkey, 34, 11.5 years of service

Engineer Mark Kelsey, 40, 12.5 years of service

Engineer Bradford "Brad" Baity, 37, 9 years of service

Asst. Engineer Michael French, 27, 1.5 years of service

Firefighter James "Earl" Drayton, 56, 32 years of service

Firefighter Brandon Thompson, 27, 4 years of service

Firefighter Melvin Champaign, 46, 2 years of service

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Wal-Mart Uber Alles

Hear the spinning sound? That’s Sam Walton turning in his grave at the speed of a metal lathe. I never met Sam, obviously, but by all accounts he was a decent fellow who just wanted to give people a decent value for their hard-earned dollar. From what I’ve read, he was a staunch anti-communist and believed in making sure his store was full of labels that said MADE IN AMERICA. I wonder what old Sammy would say today to know that his company may as well be a Chinese puppet state?
The world's largest retailer, Wal-Mart says its inventory of stock produced in China is expected to hit $18 billion this year, keeping the annual growth rate of over 20 per cent consistent over two years. The trend is expected to continue, company officials revealed.

"We expect our procurement stock from China to continue to grow at a similar rate in line with Wal-Mart's growth worldwide, if not faster," said Lee Scott, the president and CEO (chief executive officer) of Wal-Mart.

"If Wal-Mart was an individual economy, it would rank as China's eighth-biggest trading partner, ahead of Russia, Australia and Canada," Xu Jun, Wal-Mart China's director of external affairs said.

Last year, Wally World bought $15 billion products from China, half from direct purchasing, the other from their suppliers in China.
More than 5,000 Chinese enterprises have established steady supply alliances with Wal-Mart. So far, more than 70 per cent of the commodities sold in Wal-Mart are made in China. Made in America, huh, Sam?

Insiders point out Wal-Mart’s imports from China largely influence the US trade deficit in China, which is expected to reach $150 billion this year.
We’ve had an economic embargo in place against Cuba for close to 50 years now, hoping to starve out that bastion of communism on our doorstep, and yet we do BILLIONS of dollars of business with China and Vietnam. We never fought a war with Cuba like we did with Vietnam, yet last year we did about $8.5 billion in imports from Vietnam. Communism in Cuba will crumble within 5 years of Castro’s death, but one American company is the 8th largest trading partner with a country of over a billion people who are in zero danger of dropping communism anytime soon.

I sorta feel guilty every time I spend money in Wal-Mart, like I’m helping to crush American small business, but in the town where I live, there isn’t really anywhere else to go. Wal-Mart didn’t crush this town; it died a long time before the Super Center got built. China never had to fire a shot to win this war. All they had to do was manufacture cheap trinkets that gluttonous American Sheeple would snatch up en masse. We will bury you, indeed.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Hmmmmm...Polygamy? No, it can't be.

I'm not re-posting this Reuters story to bash Mormons. Far from it. I have no problem with Mormons on the whole. I'm not too keen on the kids knocking on my door trying to convert me or accosting me in the grocery store parking lot trying to convert me. I'm not too keen on anyone trying to convert me to anything, actually.
I'm reposting this to raise awareness of this cult disguised as Mormons who are pissing in the gene pool and think they're a law unto themselves. They give Mormons a bad name. All the Mormons I've known have been great folks and it's skeedgy types like these guys who make decent Mormons look bad, and keep raising the stereotype of all Mormons as having ten wives.

COLORADO CITY, Ariz. - In a dusty neighborhood under sheer sandstone cliffs studded with juniper on the Arizona-Utah border, a rare genetic disorder is spreading through polygamous families on a wave of inbreeding.

The twin border communities of Hildale, Utah, and Colorado City, Ariz., have the world’s highest known prevalence of fumarase deficiency, an enzyme irregularity that causes severe mental retardation brought on by cousin marriage, doctors say.

“Arizona has about half the world’s population of known fumarase deficiency patients,” said Dr. Theodore Tarby, a pediatric neurologist who has treated many of the children at Arizona clinics under contracts with the state.

“It exists in a certain percentage of the broader population but once you get a tendency to inbreed you’re inbreeding people who have the gene there, so you markedly increase the risk of developing the condition,” he said.
The community of about 10,000 people, who shun outsiders and are taught to avoid newspapers, television and the Internet, is home to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS), a sect that broke from the mainstream Mormon church 72 years ago over polygamy.

The group, who wear conservative 19th-century clothing, is led by Warren Jeffs, who was arrested in August and charged as an accomplice to rape for using his authority to order a 14-year-old girl against her wishes to marry and have sex with her 19-year-old cousin.

Doctors in the area declined requests for interviews and families refuse to talk to reporters. But former FLDS members, independent doctors and authorities say the disorder appears to have struck at least 20 children in the past 15 years.
“The disease itself is very rare in the rest of the world,” said Dr. Vinodh Narayanan of Arizona’s St. Joseph’s Hospital & Medical Center and Barrow Neurological Institute. Doctors worldwide had only studied about 10 cases just a decade ago.

“Once you get people within the same community marrying, then the chances grow of having two people carrying the exact same mutation.”

Local historian Benjamin Bistline said 75 to 80 percent of people in the area are blood relatives of two men — John Y. Barlow and Joseph Smith Jessop — who founded the sect on the remote desert plateau in the early 1930s.

“There aren’t any new people coming in. It’s a closed door and that gene just keeps getting passed around,” said Bruce Wisan, a court-appointed accountant overseeing a trust of the sect’s assets.

Dr. Leslie Biesecker, chief of the Genetic Disease Research Branch at the National Institutes of Health, said the bad gene could have been introduced after the original founding families settled there. “Any person who joined that community could have brought that mutation with them,” he said.

Tarby, who has recently retired, said he first observed the problem when an FLDS couple came to a Phoenix clinic about 15 years ago with a 10-year-old boy suffering from a degenerative condition. He sent a urine sample to a lab in Colorado for analysis and was stunned by the diagnosis.

Since then, increasing numbers of children in the community have been stricken with the disease, which causes unusual facial features, frequent epileptic seizures, episodes of coma and possibly early death.

In the disorder, brain cells fail to receive enough fuel to grow, multiply and function properly because of a missing enzyme needed to generate energy from food, causing severe mental retardation and muscle control problems.

Tarby met with about 150 FLDS members in November, explaining that the disorder was not caused by tainted drinking water as rumored but by cousin marriage.
But even with that knowledge, it is still hard for people to leave the sect, said Brenda Jensen, 55, who fled the FLDS several years ago and now works for the Utah-based HOPE Organization, which helps women leave.

“If they are willing to marry their cousin, or unwilling but do it anyway, or even in a relationship that is closer than that, it can be very hard for them,” Jensen said.

And local habits are deeply ingrained, authorities say.

“They will tell you if that’s what God wants for you than that’s what you will get,” said Gary Engels, an investigator assigned to Colorado City by the Mohave County attorney’s office. “They don’t think too much about marrying cousins and things like that.”

Copyright 2007 Reuters Limited.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Send us your poor tired huddled LEGAL masses

I am the son of an immigrant, and the grandson of immigrants. Born in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, my mother came to America with her parents in 1960, at 8 years of age. Her parents were both Canadian, and while they both loved their adopted country, both were still Canadian citizens when they died, and both are buried back in Toronto.

My father, on the other hand, was born in America, the son of a mother from Wales who came here as a war bride in 1945, and a father who was born in America but conceived in Poland, the last of 10 children in a family that fled oppression in Poland in 1913.

Compared to some other folks I know whose families have been here since the 1800’s, I’m not that far removed from my immigrant roots. That said, I think it’s safe for me to sound off on immigration.

I have nothing against legal immigration. I perfectly understand the need and desire of people to come to America to build a better life for their families. Many of our immigrants come here from places with poor living conditions, civil war, wanton violence, oppression and corruption, and negligible healthcare. So hey, if you want to come here and start over, that’s great. But there’s gonna be some strings attached.

Ask. Yeah, ask if it’s okay. Apply for a visa. Get a green card. Register. Don’t sneak in here like a criminal. Don’t live under the radar, working under the table, not paying any taxes. If you want to live like an American, pay taxes like an American. Giving an inordinate amount of your hard-earned wages back to the government so they can waste it on $400.00 toilet seats is what makes our country great.

Try to assimilate into American culture. Learn the language. Like it or not, everyone, America is an English-speaking nation, and has been for the past 231 years. While I agree that more Americans should be multilingual and that it would certainly make your assimilation into our culture easier if more of us could communicate with you, don’t expect us to speak your language simply because you refuse to learn ours. I’m not saying to give up all semblance of the culture you grew up in; I celebrate aspects of my ancestral culture now and again, but I don’t live it every day. Don’t expect the United States to make Spanish our official second language just because half the country of Mexico has decided to come here looking for jobs. You could just as easily have emigrated to Spain; they have a vibrant economy too, and you already speak the language.

Don’t just expect to be handed American citizenship. Study a little, learn about the country, and pass the test. And when you do, I will proudly throw my arm around your shoulder and congratulate you as a fellow American citizen. My mom got her citizenship in 1993. Her only child was a US Army veteran, her husband was at the time still an officer in the US Navy, and she had spent the past 33 of her 41years living as an American, and she still had to be interviewed and pass a test before she could become a full citizen.

Perhaps we should make it a bit easier to become a citizen once you get here? I can see maybe dropping the time requirement to 3 years instead of 5 to apply for citizenship, but the rest of the criteria sound rational to me. These are the criteria, taken from

•you have lived in the United States as a lawful permanent resident for at least five years (with exceptions for refugees, people who get their green card through political asylum, spouses of U.S. citizens, and U.S. military personnel)
•you have been physically present in the United States for at least half of the last five years
•you have lived in the district or state where you are filing your application for at least three months
•you have not spent more than a year outside the United States
•you have not made your primary home in another country
•you are at least 18 years old
•you have good moral character
•you are able to speak, read, and write in English
•you are able to pass a test covering U.S. history and government, and
•you are willing to swear that you believe in the principles of the U.S. Constitution and will be loyal to the United States

Serving in the US military does not grant you automatic citizenship. I think that should change. If you serve in our military, especially right now during times of war, you should be granted your citizenship automatically. People who are willing to fight for this country have proven themselves as far as I’m concerned. And hey, it might actually boost recruiting numbers a bit. Serve at least 2 years and get citizenship. That sounds good.

However, there’s always going to be people who want to come in illegally. When found, a hearing should be done to determine if they should be deported. There could be legitimate mitigating circumstances as to why this person had cause to fear authorities. But if you have no good reason for being here illegally, don’t let the doorknob hit you on the way out. And don’t expect to just apply to come back in; if you came here illegally, and we catch you, you’re banned. And I guarantee that instead of a fence along our borders, if we started sowing landmines and started shooting at people sneaking in, they’d take us a hell of a lot more seriously. Like I said, ask us if you can come over. Otherwise, you risk losing a leg or maybe more.
Yes, this sounds cold & harsh. I know I sound like a terrible person. But it’s also terrible to just let every swingin’ Richard cross into our borders at will. Lax, open immigration is why we have illegals sucking up our tax dollars, using up healthcare that causes my insurance rates to go up, and in some cases receiving scholarship grants that should go to legal immigrants and citizens.

Am I against illegal, undocumented immigration to my country? Absolutely. Am I in favor of legal, documented immigration? You bet. I welcome you with open arms and I’ll even help you study for your citizenship test the way I helped my mother study for hers. Down the line, we all came here from somewhere else, except for the native Americans that we stole this country from, but that’s a blog for a different time.

If it's Thursday, this must be Paris

There was an old adage that went “I used t be disgusted; now I’m just amused.” Well, now I can reverse that little maxim. I started off amused by the media circus surrounding Paris Hilton’s legal; woes. Now I’m just patently disgusted. This is the biggest fiasco to rock/mock the American legal system since Michael Jackson moonwalked on the roof of an SUV after complaining of back problems or OJ Simpson’s farce of a trial.

After serving approximately 3 (yes, t-h-r-e-e, as in one less than two) days of what started as a 45 day sentence for a second offense of driving under suspension after her DUI was reduced to alcohol-related reckless driving, America’s favorite po’ lil’ rich girl was released by the LA County sheriff due to her “health problems”. Please, just kill me now. Health problems? I think she was just al skeeved out from having to be around so many poor people. Maybe her body was rebelling against 3 meals a day of fatty greasy prison food. I’m sure that corned beef hash and watery eggs are a far cry from rice cakes, Red Bull, and Vicodin.

Since the original 45 day sentence was reduced to 23 days, and LA County’s jails are so overcrowded that non-violent offenders are being released on ankle-monitored house arrest after serving 10% of their sentences, as lame as it sound it was actually kosher for the sheriff to send her home after serving 2 and a half days. The rest of the sentence will have to be served poolside at her cozy mansion, which I assure you ain’t located in the Siberian gulag archipelago.

So the, the judge who sentenced her sticks his nose back in it, demanding that Hilton be returned to custody, even though once an inmate enters the jail system, it’s the sheriff who has ultimate authority over their disposition. This added another ring to an already busy circus.

Hilton gets clapped in irons and is led away back to jail crying inconsolably and calling for her mommy. How quaint. And of course, the ever-present paparazzi were hovering like tsetse flies on a freshly-gutted wildebeest carcass. One of them took off after her departing police transport at a dead sprint trying to get one more picture. His Olympic-quality footrace was caught on film by one of the news choppers overhead in what must have been the largest helicopter invasion since the filming of Blackhawk Down. The mass hysteria was pathetic and also ironic, in that there was such a feeding frenzy generated by such a meatless morsel.

So now she’s back in Da’ Slammer…Since she was so well-behaved during her first abbreviated stay, she earned 5 days good time off of her sentence. Yeah, serving 3 days earned her 5 days off. Five, as in one more than 4. I guess you get a day & a half for every day you serve. She’s due out sometime around the 26th, barring a Presidential pardon and canonization by Pope Benedict.

I actually saw some whiny liberal dickhead lawyer wonk on TV last week frothing at the mouth about how if anything Paris has been given much harsher treatment than a non-celebrity, and spouting some such drivel about how the average person wouldn’t get jail for a first DUI or a 45-day sentence for driving under suspension, and nonsensical crap about her being held most cruelly & unusually in solitary confinement, blah blah blah.

Shut your festering gobbet, you tree-hugging ACLU douche.

Fisrt of all, you most certainly can get jail time for a first time DUI. I’ve seen it happen. Secondly, if the average non-celebrity schmuck got busted for a second driving under suspension charge after a DUI, we’d get more than 45 days; probably closer to 90. And solitary confinement? No. She got her own private cell in a special unit away from the general population. Therefore, she never had to mingle with the rabble. Would you rather have seen her in G-Pop at the tender mercies of 5 or 6 cellmates? Believe me, ass-cricket, just because she’s emaciated doesn’t mean she was just liberated from Buchenwald. She came that was from those two enabling asshats who birthed her.

And now that she’s back in custody she’s still not in a regular cell. Her apparent mental health degradation now has her relegated to being kept in a special care ward at a cost of about 1100 bucks a day, which is about 10 times the cost that taxpayers bear for incarcerating an average prisoner. However, she’s due to be moved to her original facility tonight.

She issued a statement saying that she wasn’t going to appeal her sentence and that she hoped that the media would instead focus on “the men & women serving in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other places around the world.” Whoa. That’s the most mature and intelligent thing I’ve ever heard her utter, and it leads me to believe that she’s actually learned something from all this and has a shot at redemption.

Hey, Paris. Tell you what: I’ll lighten up on you if you’ll start devoting some of your time and fame to a worthwhile veteran’s cause like the D.A.V. or the U.S.O. . Instead of inspiring America’s teen population to party all night and act like spoiled brats, you can help get them interested in giving something back to the military families who make it possible for them to be free to party. Supporting the troops? Now that’s hot.

Still Hot For More Teacher

Recently, I blogged about the rampant episodes of teachers getting busted for having sex with their students. And here we are, a few weeks later, and another incident makes the news, this time in my own backyard, so to speak.

In Goose Creek, SC, Westview Middle School's Teacher of the Year has been arrested by police on charges she had a sexual relationship with a female student. She is also the girl's Sunday school teacher, according to an affidavit. Police charged Kanesa Hopkins, 31, with two counts each of committing a lewd act upon a child under 16 and second-degree criminal sexual conduct with a minor.

Hopkins, a seventh-grade math teacher, has been at Westview for eight years, and was selected by her peers as the school's 2007 Teacher of the Year.

So here’s your new breed of sex offender, everybody. Instead of the leering, bald, middle-aged man with thick glasses, sweaty palms, and a really bad tie, you have the sweet lady who teaches Sunday school and is selected by her peers as the best representative of their profession. And it ain’t like these chicks are ugly, either. Debra LaFavre was a hottie.

So if your kid has a great teacher who looks like Elisha Cuthbert, and he wants to stay after school a lot….be afraid. Be very afraid. When we were teens we thought the Van Halen song and video were cute and that the movie My Tutor was every kid’s dream. Little did we know that it could actually happen; just not to us. The cool shit never happened to us.