Sunday, February 18, 2007

CoEd Naked Harry Potter

Oh boy……the hullabaloo over this new play “Equis”, starring Daniel Radcliffe, is really kinda funny. Actually, the play isn’t new. It’s a revival of some weird-assed trippy stage drama about a boy who bashes in the side of a horse’s head with a brick or some such other blunt object, and then proceeds to prance about naked for the next 90 minutes or so. Sounds like some arty-fartsy excuse to watch some teenaged boy to rock out with his cock out….The Arts for Pedophiles, maybe….

At 17, Radcliffe is probably getting a little worried that Hollyweird will soon be typecasting him into forever being stuck as the kid in glasses riding a broom, thus missing out on juicier roles as an adult. The wicked tightrope-walk of being a child star…. No one would hire Danny Bonaduce after the Partridge Family, and look at the ‘Roid Rage, coked-up train wreck he turned out to be. Personally, I expected MacAuley Culkin to be either flipping burgers or imploding like River Phoenix, but he took an unconventional role in the indie film “SAVED”, and the performance was nothing short of brilliant. The same can’t be said for Benjamin Salisbury, the kid who played Brighton on The Nanny. His last acting gig was playing the pizza delivery guy in a Domino’s ad.

I guess everyone is all a-twitter over this because all these whiny soccer moms are horrified that little Billy & Susie might hear that harmless Harry Potter is walking about with his dong in the breeze and that’s just being an irresponsible child role model….NOTE TO SELF-SAME SOCCER MOMS: FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. He’s not a role model. He’s a role PLAYER. He’s an actor. Parents are role models. Teachers are role models. Actors, rock stars, and pro sports figures are not role models; they’re entertainers. Be more pro-active in your kids’ lives instead of letting them emulate attention-whore millionaires.

Sally Soccer Mom is scared shitless that her kid might ponder the nude human form. America is so prudish about nudity, yet we’re cool with violence & car chases and explosions. Nudity is natural; driving 120 miles an hour through rush hour traffic while blazing away at the other drivers with a machine gun really isn’t. Of course, the rumors are also saying that Radcliffe has a gi-normous dong, too. So maybe the soccer moms are all freaked out over the fact that they’re now dreaming of Harry Potter’s magic wand……

Friday, February 9, 2007

Honest, Mister, I'm really 12....

I’d like to nominate a new candidate for forced castration. Imagine the surprise a couple weeks ago when officials at the IMAGINE Charter School in Surprise, Arizona (I’m not making this up, people) found out that one of their 12-year-ods was in fact a 29 year old convicted sex offender from Oklahoma who shaved his body hair and wore makeup to cover his beard stubble, masquerading as a 12 year old student for several weeks.

The freakshow in question, Neil Rodreick, is about 5’6” and 120 pounds. (I guess no one noticed he was the only 6th grader who drove his own AMC Pacer to class every day)

This piece of shit was also living with 2 older pedophiles aged 43 and 61, who thought he was 12. They’ve been charged with attempted molestation charges because I guess buggerring a guy pretending to be 12 isn’t actual molestation. It’s just diddling a fruitcake.

I say we castrate all 3 of these scroungy fucks on pay-per-view and give the proceeds to help victims of sexual predators.

I ain't sayin' a gold digga...

Everyone’s favorite train wreck finally finished derailing this week. Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday at the age of 39. While it’s a shame that she passed, and I feel really shitty for her infant child, I must say…who the fuck didn’t see THIS coming? And moreover, why is America giving so much of a shit about it?

Vickie Lynn Hogan was a former stripper & teenaged mom who lucked into a deal to model jeans, and parleyed that into a gig as a Playboy centerfold. This may be where she developed a taste for banging old dudes. (C’mon…you know Hef tapped that ass….). She married a 90 year old billionaire and then got embroiled in the fight over his estate with his kids, who were all older than her own parents. Isn’t that a great Jerry Springer show theme? I’m 25 and my step son is 65…..we’re the toast of the trailer park…..

She then embarked upon an ill-conceived reality horror fest that showed her bloated, clown-makeup-wearing, slurred-speech shenanigans, further proof that idiot Americans will watch anything on TV. Two years later, strung out on Trim Spa and 70 pounds thinner, she’s back to tossing her titties everywhere and speaking only a little more coherently.

Congratulations, America; you’re mourning a pseudo-celebrity whose only real talent was being an attention-whore. She wasn’t a singer. She wasn’t an actor, really, despite a few cameos. She wasn’t a dancer, unless you count laps & poles. She wasn’t a sculptor or painter or writer. She was a fucking train wreck. And given the popularity of the American Idol audition shows, the American Sheeple love their train wrecks.

No Love For Darfur

No Love For Darfur…

You know why we won’t go into Darfur to help the war-ravaged genocide victims of a brutal civil war? It’s not because we’re tired of a long, drawn-out, and sometimes pointless war in Iraq. It’s not because we have our resources tied up chasing Osama Bin Fucktard in Afghanistan’s caves. It’s not because the National Guard is busy trying to keep Pablo from smuggling the other 735 members of his immediate family over the border to pick our tomatoes and dig our ditches. Darfur is Darfucked because of this:

Those people don’t buy anything we make, or make anything we buy. If Halliburton could turn a buck off of it, we’d be there tomorrow. However, there’s no oil we can pump off, no diamonds we can pillage, no gold or other metals….it doesn’t even make good tv. Sorry Darfur….ask the French. They’d love to get involved. They might not even get their asses kicked too badly.

The NHL All-Star Disaster

When NHL commissioner Gary Bettman allowed the lockout disaster to cancel to entire 04/05 hockey season, it set into motion a downward spiral of consequences that will take probably ten years to recover from. That’s about how long it took major league baseball to recover from their strike in the 90’s.

Among these consequences is that ESPN dropped the NHL like it had ties to Al Queda. So the NHL whored itself around begging a TV contract & ended up on OLN, the Outdoor Life Network. OLN? What the fuck, over? Sure, most kids learn to play the game on frozen ponds in their back yards, but there’s only ever been a handful of games played outdoors in recent memory in the majors, or even college, so why the Outdoor Life Channel? OLN has subsequently changed its name to Versus, a move which gained them about 6 more viewers.

Meanwhile, ESPN filled in the newly-freed air slots with shit like World Series of Poker (when the fuck did poker become a sport?) and reruns of the World’s Strongest Man Competition from 3 years ago. Incidentally, more people have been watching Mariusz Pudzianowski lift beer kegs over his head than have been watching hockey. I’m sure some of the people watching those reruns would be watching hockey if they could. Don’t get me wrong; I think Mariusz is a tremendous athlete but watching him drag a Greyhound bus 300 feet with his ball hairs just isn’t the same as watching Rod
Brind’Amour the Howler monkey steal the puck, pass it to Eric Cole, see Cole deke the blueliner, drop a no-looker to Eric Staal, and see Staalsie one-time it over Kari Lehtonen’s shoulder to the top shelf where Daddy keeps the Playboys.

Anyone who’s known me for more than 45 seconds knows I’m a hockey junkie. My bedroom closet has several hockey t-shirts. There’s the obligatory hoodie, zip up jacket, pullover windbreaker, hats, cowbells, souvenir pucks, a couple posters, 3 autographed sticks, and a few jerseys. Most of the stuff is from my local ECHL team, the South Carolina Stingrays, whom I am a season ticket holder for. One of the jerseys is a $450.00 game-worn, and the one I wear to games has about 60 signatures on it, including about 10 NHL players. Plus, lest we forget my obligatory copies of Miracle and a couple Wayne Gretzky DVD documentaries, and about 40 of the McFarlane Sports figures. And… an annual subscription to The Hockey News. Hockey is the only sport I follow, and about the only thing I don’t get into are fantasy leagues. Even I have limits to my madness.

This said, a couple weeks back was the annual NHL All-Star Game, held this year in Dallas. I would have loved to have watched it, but I don’t have Versus as part of my package with DISH Network since it’s part of the more expensive plan with all the obscure channels, nor do I have the NHL Center Ice Package. Sure, I love hockey but I couldn’t see dropping an extra couple hundred bucks to get the Center Ice deal, even if it meant I could catch every single game all season for every team. And I didn’t want to drop another 30 or so a month on the cable bill just to pick up Versus and about 20 more channels, of which I might watch maybe 2, just to see a couple games a week. I can still catch the occasional game on the alternate sports feeds when they aren’t blacked out, usually ‘Canes games, and Turner Sports plays a lot of Thrashers games. Yeah, I spend enough all year on my sport that I don’t have to spend more to find an obscure no-name channel featuring Combat Tiddlywinks that the NHL screwed itself into a deal with.

The All Star Game on Versus drew a TV audience of just 475,000 people. That’s fucking WEAK, in a nation of over 300 million. The following TV shows had more viewers: HGTV’s Design on a Dime., Mythbusters on the Discovery Channel, Bravo’s Top Chef, Food TV’s Ace of Cakes (which had 85% more viewers actually), and, most pathetically, a fucking repeat of The Andy Griffith Show on TV Land.

Are you shitting me? This is deplorable. The sport I love is falling apart as it’s trying to recover from the lost season debacle of 2 years ago, and the best it can do for its showcase game is come in weaker than Aunt Bee and Barney goddamned Fife?

We Gotta Talk

Hi…I’m a successful Navy O-6 Captain at only 43 years of age. I’ve flown over 30 different types of aircraft, and 7 months ago I was in space…OUTER SPACE…and in a few weeks was headed back again for another mission. Then again, my marriage just ended and I think that this Air Force chick is trying to skeeze on the dude I like. I guess I should talk to her……signed…Lisa Nowak….

MEN: PAY ATTENTION & HEED MY TEACHINGS---Very seldom in my nearly 38 years of experience has anything good ever come from the 4 words “We need to talk…”. These words usually preface a very miserable time.

Lisa Nowak just wanted to talk. She wanted to talk so badly that she drove 950 miles wearing a fucking diaper so she wouldn’t need to stop to piss. She wanted to talk so badly she pepper-sprayed her intended talking partner and was found to have a BB pistol, a folding knife, 4 feet of rubber tubing, trash bags, latex gloves, a steel mallet, a trench coat, dark glasses, and 600 bucks in cash. Jeffrey Dahmer didn’t carry this much shit with him in his Go Kit.

Beware the next time your woman just wants to talk. Keep the search party on standby.