Sunday, December 23, 2007

My humble apologies, dear readers

Sorry that I haven't posted much as of late, guys. Work has been keeping me really busy, and sometimes I'm just a bit uninspired. And when I do come up with something to write about, by the time I pull together enough time to actually write about it, it's no longer blogworthy or some other crap comes up that pulls me away from the laptop.

I actually plan on writing a bunch of stuff over the next couple days though. Be patient, and thanks for reading!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Religion of Peace (and a stack of dead bodies)

It’s kinda been awhile since I truly snapped, went off the angry deep end, and did a blog full of venom. Today I snapped.

The Sunday morning news programs always get some talking head on camera claiming that Islam is a religion of peace. The next person who tells me that Islam is a religion of peace is gonna get a teddy bear named Mohamed shoved so far up his ass he’ll be spitting out stuffing. Each day it gets harder & harder to be accepting as I listen to the rhetoric about how peaceful Islam is, when their very tenets call for Jihad and holy war against non-believers of Islam.

When you get the prominent leader of a Muslim country claims he has no ill will towards America, yet a recent military parade through the streets of his capital featured missiles painted with “DEATH TO AMERICA” on them, I find it hard to be accepting. (Hey, Mahmoud, did you really think we wouldn’t have someone who could read Farsi watch the films?) Same-said leader also has stated in speeches that he intends to run all Jews into the sea and that Israel will burn in the fires of Islamic fury. Yeah, sounds pretty peaceful.

NOTE: Not for one second do I believe this bogus crap in the new National Intelligence Estimate that says Iran stopped trying to make a nuke bomb years ago. Uncle Mahmoud wants a bomb so bad he can taste it. Plus, the Israeli Mossad found nuclear material from North Korea in Syria, and Syria doesn’t fart unless Iran says so.

Uncle Mahmoud also says thee are no homosexuals in Iran…..perhaps maybe because you KILL THEM? And Islam as a whole has an abysmal history of treating women like housepets or worse. A Saudi woman who was abducted and gang-raped was sentenced to 200 lashes of the whip and six months in jail for speaking out about the case.

And then there’s the Great Teddy Bear Scandal of 2007. Gillian Gibbons, a 54-year old British woman who was in Sudan teaching English to kids, is the latest victim of Islam. Gibbons’ students decided as a class to name their class teddy bear Mohamed, which happens to be the most popular boys name in the world (due to the rise of Islam) and of course the most popular name among students in her class. It’s also the name of Islam’s prophet. Not the God, mind you, just the prophet. Well, someone heard about & got a bug up their ass, and Gibbons was arrested for insulting Islam, inciting hatred, and showing contempt for religious beliefs.

While held in jail, thousands of uneducated Third World asshat zealots with nothing more productive to do protested outside the jail, calling for her immediate execution. Facing six months in prison, 40 lashes, and a fine, Gibbons was eventually sentenced to 15 days in jail and deportation back to England.

Hey, Sudan: you have a region of your country called DARFUR where a couple MILLION people have been left homeless and a couple hundred thousand slaughtered. You think maybe you could address THAT little problem first instead of protesting the name of a stuffed toy and calling for the death of a foreign woman who was trying to educate your children? If you’re going to act all butt-hurt over something, GENOCIDE within your own orders might be a better place to start.

Every day around the world, Islamic terrorists are killing people who either don’t believe in Islam, or just so happen to believe a different VERSION of Islam than they do. Half the people Muslims kill are other Muslims. Car bombs and rocket/mortar attacks often claim children as the victims. I borrowed the following statistics from, a watchdog organization:

12/9/2007 (Swat, Pakistan) - Children are among eight killed when a suicide car bomber rams a police checkpoint.
12/8/2007 (Farah, Afghanistan) - Eight local police are killed in two separate ambushes by religious militants.
12/8/2007 (Helmand, Afghanistan) - The Taliban hang a 12-year-old boy from a tree.
12/8/2007 (Wasit, Iraq) - Radical Sunnis are suspected in a rocket attack on a Shia house in which a family of four is killed.
12/8/2007 (Mahmudiya, Iraq) - Jihadis kill one child in a mortar attack.
12/8/2007 (Baiji, Iraq) - A female suicide bomber kills seven Iraqis.

The website’s Weekly Jihad Report for this past week listed 38 Jihad attacks with 205 killed and 218 critically injured. As their header states on the website: The religion of peace, and a big stack of dead bodies.

Rhino Turd Update!!!!

I just wanted to give everyone a last-minute update as to the current bids on the rhino turds on eBay. It's 1:00 PM on Sunday and the auctions end in about an hour and a half.

As it stands:

WHITE RHINO--$1,075.00
BLACK RHINO--$780.00

The projected winner in the Great Turd Battle will be the white rhino. Hooray for white rhinos and white rhino turd lovers worldwide. This is some great shit, I tell ya'. I may have to gold-dip my own scat & sell it.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Last Minute Stocking Stuffer Idea!!!!

I have officially seen it all.

Wondering what to get this Christmas for that special someone who has everything? Try some endangered crap.

The International Rhino Foundation is auctioning on eBay four pieces of dung from the endangered species and will use the proceeds to fund conservation efforts. The pieces come from four of the five types of rhino: white, black, Indian (Greater One-Horned Rhino) and Sumatran; the Javan rhino is so rare that a sample could not be collected. Each turd is available separately.

Each piece is dried, mounted in a clear trophy case and marked with the type of rhino that produced it. The auction ends Sunday and as of Saturday afternoon bidding had been between 11 and 24 bids, depending on the turd in question. The current top bid as of 2:00 PM is for white rhino poop standing at $743.00. Sumatran dookie is next at $670.00, Indian rhino crap is right behind at $650.00, and the Black rhino spoor nugget was standing at $620.00. Shipping for each turd is $16.00.

Hurry, kids! Bidding ends tomorrow! There are only four turds for sale, and I hasten to mention there are only 17,500 rhinos left in the wild and only 1200 living in captivity.

At last, the Internet is being used for a constructive purpose.

Lining the Hamster Cage With Gossip Rags



Keira Knightley copied Katie Holmes’ bob haircut!

Is Britney pregnant again?

Is Britney adopting Chinese twins?

Pregnant Nicole Ritchie looks skinnier than ever!!!

Keifer Sutherland works in prison laundry room!

Did Lindsay Lohan screw a fellow patient in a stairwell at rehab?

The REAL reason Hulk Hogan & wife Linda split up!!!

We vote K-Fed for Father of the Year!!!!

Katherine Heigl says blockbuster movie “Knocked Up” was sexist but still cashes paycheck!!!!

Paris Eats a Rice Cake!!!

Teri Hatcher Gets Sued!!! Madonna Sues Co-Op!!!

Britney, Nicole, TomKat, and Brangelina all plan to star their babies in High School Musical 12, planned for summer 2015 release!!!!

Are the Spice Girls really friends?

Dirty old man Lance Armstrong screwing underfed waif Olsen twin!!!

Stupid Baby Names of the Stars!!!! Alabama Windstorm Dogfood Sir Crapsalot!!!

Michael Jackson to donate nose to Smithsonian!!!!

Jennifer Anniston talks to Brad’s mom!!!! It’s war, says Angelina!!!!!

Julia Roberts Furious!!! Finds out she’s really over-rated!!!!

Who’s had plastic surgery? Who needs plastic surgery? Whose boobs are real? What stars look like without makeup!!!! What stars eat!!! What stars eat so little they can no longer poo? Who kissed who? Who shagged who? Who was spotted EATING? Who hates who? Who secretly wants to be a garbage man? Who was spotted wearing the same outfits and who wore it better? Who’s gay? Who might be gay? Who’s NOT gay that we said was gay last week? What stars actually interact with their kids? What stars kiss in a movie being filmed now for a 2009 release that we’ll speculate are a couple just to ruin their marriages?

Who the hell really cares? Whose life is THAT empty that this shit actually matters? I’m so sick of the gossip rags these days that instead I end up reading the labels of chewing gum as I stand in line at the grocery store… I’m not saying that I don’t occasionally read one now & again, and I have a friend who reads them pretty regularly (though she knows they’re full of crap) but things are getting so over the top with minute by minute reports of Britney on TMZ and other such low-brow sources that it’s bordering on the ridiculous. It's gone from gossip to soap opera to just plain dumpster diving crapola.

I don’t care how many Third World babies Brad & Angelina bought this week to add to their menagerie. Their house is turning into the United Nations petting zoo. I don’t care anymore if Britney gets her kids back, or even gets her hair back for that matter. I knew her career was over years ago when she married K-Fed. I have never cared what stars wear since I consider most “high fashion” to be overpriced (and hideous) rags. I don’t care who sleeps with whom. I don’t care what pampered rehab they pretend to go to or what they do in jail for the 87 minutes they stay there, since that’s generally all staged PR crap to begin with. I stopped trying to figure out why these assholes burden their kids with imbecile names unfit for a house pet. The name Pilot Inspektor is unfit even for a Chia Pet. One week a star is too fat, the next too skinny. And I could give a shit less what star is gay. Sure, I really do love a good train wreck and occasionally blog about really HUGE celebrity screwups, but they aren’t the basis of my existence.

Any celebrity who enjoys a modicum of privacy is “reclusive and difficult”. Any celebrity who tells the paparazzi to back off “flew into a rage”. Any celebrity who eats more than a rice cake a day is fat, and then that causes them to go anorexic and likewise be ridiculed. And any time a star over the age of 60 goes to a doctor for anything, it’s reported that they’re circling the drain, on their deathbed making their last wishes, and here’s the story of their “tragic last days”, whether they died or not. Nothing like reading about your tragic last days and then recovering, I guess.

Maybe more people will read my blog if I become a prissy diva and dish spurious rumors about famous people? It worked for Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr. (oops, I mean Perez Hilton) Or I could just cry like a wounded seal on YouTube like Chris Crocker…

Nahhhhh… I’ll just print up some t-shirts and hats to look legit, grab my camcorder, and go around asking drunk neophytes on spring break to lift their shirts so I can sell the footage under the name “Stupid Chicks Unleashed”.Care to be one of my financial backers? I need startup capital.

Regressing To Childhood In One Easy Step

There are some things in life that a boy just never grows out of, even 20+ years after supposedly reaching adulthood. I still sometimes watch cartoons (when I can find one that’s not just some crap 30-minute commercial for a toy tie-in), and I still browse through Toys R Us in search of hockey figures and military miniatures. But the one thing from my childhood that I’ll probably never outgrow is my fascination for military aircraft.

There’s just something about watching a military jet flying over that turns me into a 10-year old again, no matter how many times I see one go over. My workplace is on one of the approach/take-off paths for Charleston Air Force Base, and about 20 times or so during a normal shift I’ll find myself watching the C-17’s come & go, a silly grin on my face. I’ve probably seen a couple thousand take-offs & landings at the base since I moved here, and I still never get sick of it. Tuesday afternoon I was watching one bank sharply, wings somewhere around a 45ยบ angle like a little fighter instead of a cargo plane as it circled the base, and a couple minutes later it scooted swiftly by at treetop level headed back out again.

Of course, my muted gray and olive drab revelry isn’t limited to C-17’s. Thursday I rushed out my front door to watch an Army Blackhawk helicopter scooting along. Tuesday I interrupted a phone call to watch a pair of F-16 Falcons approaching in perfect formation barely 30 feet apart. Last Friday while sitting in traffic on Dorchester Road, a pair of AV-8B Harriers floated in over the roof of the car, with me sticking my head out the window to catch the full rumble of their Rolls Royce Pegasus engines. A couple weeks ago it was a pair of A-10 Thunderbolts (admittedly my favorite plane of all time) wheeling a tight circle over me as I was at a red light across from the Coliseum. Three weeks or so ago it was a massive Russian cargo jet, an Antonov-124 Condor, that caught my eye from a couple miles out and just kept getting bigger and bigger as it came to land, probably either to move some aircraft parts for Boeing or to transport some new MRAP vehicles to Iraq. (Bet you didn’t know we had a Russian cargo company transporting our military’s newest toy to the war zone, huh? But that’s a blog for another day.)

All it takes is for me to hear the rumble and high-pitched whine of a jet turbine for my heart to jump and my head to start swiveling around like my head’s on a gimbal-mount to find the source, and I’ll smile like a slack-jawed goofball, or at the very least like a six-year-old at the circus, and watch until it flies out of sight. Civilian planes don’t really do it for me unless they’re pretty big like a 747 or exotic like the Burt Rutan-designed Beech Starship I sometimes see around Charleston. Nope, for me it’s gotta be military. Maybe it’s my lifelong association with the military and my own Army service, or it’s just the idea of the sleek rugged and deadly purposefulness of the airframes. Maybe it’s just me trying to live vicariously, since I at one time had wanted to be a military aviator until my vision precluded me from being Joe Top Gun (though had I not be so danged hard-headed I could have opted to be an aircrew member or loadmaster).

I remember those halcyon days of yore when you could pack a picnic lunch and sit out off Aviation Avenue watching planes come & go out of Charleston. However in today’s post-9/11 climate that’s no longer allowed and the General Aviation zone has grown so huge with new hangars and always so full of cars that there’s no real place to sit over at their lot to watch anymore either. Nothing like a cold dose of reality to suppress your inner child.

That’s okay, I guess. I can still regress, if only for a few brief seconds, every time I see something as I sit in traffic.