Saturday, December 8, 2007

Lining the Hamster Cage With Gossip Rags



Keira Knightley copied Katie Holmes’ bob haircut!

Is Britney pregnant again?

Is Britney adopting Chinese twins?

Pregnant Nicole Ritchie looks skinnier than ever!!!

Keifer Sutherland works in prison laundry room!

Did Lindsay Lohan screw a fellow patient in a stairwell at rehab?

The REAL reason Hulk Hogan & wife Linda split up!!!

We vote K-Fed for Father of the Year!!!!

Katherine Heigl says blockbuster movie “Knocked Up” was sexist but still cashes paycheck!!!!

Paris Eats a Rice Cake!!!

Teri Hatcher Gets Sued!!! Madonna Sues Co-Op!!!

Britney, Nicole, TomKat, and Brangelina all plan to star their babies in High School Musical 12, planned for summer 2015 release!!!!

Are the Spice Girls really friends?

Dirty old man Lance Armstrong screwing underfed waif Olsen twin!!!

Stupid Baby Names of the Stars!!!! Alabama Windstorm Dogfood Sir Crapsalot!!!

Michael Jackson to donate nose to Smithsonian!!!!

Jennifer Anniston talks to Brad’s mom!!!! It’s war, says Angelina!!!!!

Julia Roberts Furious!!! Finds out she’s really over-rated!!!!

Who’s had plastic surgery? Who needs plastic surgery? Whose boobs are real? What stars look like without makeup!!!! What stars eat!!! What stars eat so little they can no longer poo? Who kissed who? Who shagged who? Who was spotted EATING? Who hates who? Who secretly wants to be a garbage man? Who was spotted wearing the same outfits and who wore it better? Who’s gay? Who might be gay? Who’s NOT gay that we said was gay last week? What stars actually interact with their kids? What stars kiss in a movie being filmed now for a 2009 release that we’ll speculate are a couple just to ruin their marriages?

Who the hell really cares? Whose life is THAT empty that this shit actually matters? I’m so sick of the gossip rags these days that instead I end up reading the labels of chewing gum as I stand in line at the grocery store… I’m not saying that I don’t occasionally read one now & again, and I have a friend who reads them pretty regularly (though she knows they’re full of crap) but things are getting so over the top with minute by minute reports of Britney on TMZ and other such low-brow sources that it’s bordering on the ridiculous. It's gone from gossip to soap opera to just plain dumpster diving crapola.

I don’t care how many Third World babies Brad & Angelina bought this week to add to their menagerie. Their house is turning into the United Nations petting zoo. I don’t care anymore if Britney gets her kids back, or even gets her hair back for that matter. I knew her career was over years ago when she married K-Fed. I have never cared what stars wear since I consider most “high fashion” to be overpriced (and hideous) rags. I don’t care who sleeps with whom. I don’t care what pampered rehab they pretend to go to or what they do in jail for the 87 minutes they stay there, since that’s generally all staged PR crap to begin with. I stopped trying to figure out why these assholes burden their kids with imbecile names unfit for a house pet. The name Pilot Inspektor is unfit even for a Chia Pet. One week a star is too fat, the next too skinny. And I could give a shit less what star is gay. Sure, I really do love a good train wreck and occasionally blog about really HUGE celebrity screwups, but they aren’t the basis of my existence.

Any celebrity who enjoys a modicum of privacy is “reclusive and difficult”. Any celebrity who tells the paparazzi to back off “flew into a rage”. Any celebrity who eats more than a rice cake a day is fat, and then that causes them to go anorexic and likewise be ridiculed. And any time a star over the age of 60 goes to a doctor for anything, it’s reported that they’re circling the drain, on their deathbed making their last wishes, and here’s the story of their “tragic last days”, whether they died or not. Nothing like reading about your tragic last days and then recovering, I guess.

Maybe more people will read my blog if I become a prissy diva and dish spurious rumors about famous people? It worked for Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr. (oops, I mean Perez Hilton) Or I could just cry like a wounded seal on YouTube like Chris Crocker…

Nahhhhh… I’ll just print up some t-shirts and hats to look legit, grab my camcorder, and go around asking drunk neophytes on spring break to lift their shirts so I can sell the footage under the name “Stupid Chicks Unleashed”.Care to be one of my financial backers? I need startup capital.

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