Thursday, August 31, 2006

Mother of all Storms!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurricane, my plump juicy succulent ass.

I never saw more than a 15-minute sprinkle all day. Panicked people closed schools, closed businesses, activated every emergency operations plan in the book, and basically made like the end of the known universe was nigh.....and the newsies on TV are STILL milking this fucking thing and preying upon people's fears. Sure, downtown Charleston got a lotta rain today (35 miles east of me) but not any more rain than during a summer deluge t-storm. But these dillweeds are standing around telling us that it could still get worse....winds could still pick up....rain could still drown us all....shelters are open (but no one's in them)....power crews are ready.....the National Guard is on standby, 300 highway patrol troopers are on standby......stay tuned to Accu-Weather Live Eye Storm Team Disaster Watch Operation Urgent Panic Precipitation Response Team for all your drizzle details.

It's a slow news day...we tracked this thing for a week, so we gotta milk it by reporting NOTHING but storm-related drivel. And once the news hour is up ...wait, scratch that....the news starts at 4 now, then goes to 5, then 5:30, then 6, and repeats again at 7....the earliest coverage and the latest coverage, and if we don't have the news on, there'll be a crawler repeating the same shit over & over again. But wait; let's see the same animated tracking footage of the cloud system that we showed you ten minutes ago, along with 8 different scenario situations for projected tracks and possible floodings and the decimation of all humanity.

Every time a black cloud gets spotted offshore, the local newsies all join forces to make sure everyone panics as soon as possible, and stays afraid. Fear keeps us pliant, and we’ll be too scared to change the channel. They act like at noon tomorrow, Nostradamus and Rasputin will rise from the grave to lead the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse down Meeting Street.

Once a butterfly in South America flaps its wings, it sets forth in motion a Doppler radar system that tracks the ensuing hurricane. A tropical flap becomes a tropical flutter that becomes a tropical breeze that becomes a tropical wind that becomes a tropical front that becomes a tropical wave that becomes a tropical depression that becomes a tropical storm that becomes a hurricane that becomes the MOTHER OF ALL STORMS.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Hollywood Sucks

Hollywood has officially run out of ideas.

All they seem to be doing is remaking old films because there's nothing new to write about. That, and taking every shitty old TV show & making a movie version. They're doing a movie version of Welcome Back Kotter, with Ice Cube playing Gabe Kaplan's Kotter. A tubby ex-rapper playing a 70's Jewish standup comic? Sure, they both have an Afro.....

Miami Vice? The TV show sucked. Why make a movie? A remake of Lassie comes out next month, like that was needed? Even more unnecessary: Jackass 2.

There's some film called Step Up...a dancing movie with a street dancer who falls in love with a classical dancer....bullshit, it's been done before. Save the Last Dance, it was called...which stole half the idea from Flashdance.

All these bullshit psuedo horror movies now where everything is filmed in the dark and the evil creatures are pale forms in blue lighting....and these are all remakes of Jap films anyways.

Lest we forget, Rocky 6 is filming.....

But Snakes on a Plane? Are you for real? The commercials are vague so I'm guessing at what passes for a plot. It looks like some kung fu gangster badass tries to kill his nemesis by filling an airliner with snakes...and then they fly into a storm & the snakes attack. Enter Samuel L. Jackson, who must have lost a fucking bet or something to have gotten involved in this pig. Was there a contest to see who could come up with the lamest plot & sell it to a studio? Sounds like it was written by a fourth grader on crack.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006


I'm about done with Reality TV.

Reality, my ass. The REAL WORLD? Oh, please....a handpicked crew of extras from a Bennetton ad, living rent-free in a fucking penthouse full of Ikea furniture and going on exotic roadtrips & hosting huge parties, and getting just drunk enough to fuck their gorgeous castmates and start a blood fued with the Bad Boy character? Horseshit. You want the Real World? Put 4 starving, unattractive college kids together in a rat-hole tenement with milk-crate & cinder-block furniture, pulling together penny rolls to buy a six-pack of PapSmear Blue Ribbon Beer, and working crap jobs at a pizza place to pay the rent. That's the real real world. In the real world, you have bills & shitty jobs and at least one doofy room mate who sits around in his undies playing Warcraft or some crap on the Playstation.

Survivor? More bullshit. They act like everyone is starving & eaten alive by leeches, but I guarantee you, someone is slipping the camera guy a knobjob for a Snickers and a Pepsi. You want Survivor? Drop these clowns off naked on an island with nothing but a sharpened stick and some string for 30 days. Whoever is still alive at the end is the survivor. Or better yet, drop them off covered in 50 dollar bills and wearing a white hood in Compton. Whoever makes it to Hollywood is the winner.

And Fear Factor? Oh please...more like Nasty Factor. A show that has the formula of: Pretty people do a stunt with 250 percent more protection than a stuntman gets, then eat something so fucking nasty that even Joseph Mengele and Jeffrey Dahmer would cringe, and then do another stunt. I could see if things were always based around real, rational fears, like spiders, snakes, rats, lawyers, and heights, but who wakes up in the morning with a phobic, irrational fear of eating a pig's uterus? OH, NO! I hope I don't get forced to eat a horse's asshole today!!!! I may not get out of bed!!! The earthworm and congealed blood pizzas might find me!

How about Peer Factor? Where your friends egg you on to do dumber & dumber shit? Or Beer Factor, where you get so drunk you'll do anything? First one to pass out & shit their pants without dying of alcohol poisoning is the winner. Or Queer Factor? Where 5 totally homophobic contestants have to do progressively gayer & gayer things until they find themselves naked in a hot tub with Carson Kressley and Steven Cojocaru?

Contrived Oil Prices

It seems that they've found a new way to jack up oil prices again.

Back 4 years ago when we decided it would be a nifty idea to invade Iraq & steal their oil supplies to make Dick Cheney even richer via Halliburton, everyone thought gas prices would come down. Unfortunately, Iraq owed so much money to every other country on earth that any money generated by their oil went to pay everyone else off first. Shit, we thought we'd get the employee discount since we owned their oil fields now....stupid us.

Then every time some yahoo in a checkered head wrap got an itchy trigger finger, which has been pretty often, oil prices went up. Then, the Year of the Hurricane hit us, and gas prices went fucking insane. Gotta cash in on tragedy, y'know. It's the American Way. And once the prices evened out again, some new disaster would come up to jack the prices up again.

So here we are....Summer 2006, and what to do? We could raise prices because Israel is shelling Lebanon, but that whole war in the Middle East shit is getting old...and there hasn't been any sign of a hurricane yet this year, and it's already almost mid-August. We needed to jack them prices up again before Labor Day and squeeze all the money we can out of travelers on the last big holiday before Thanksgiving, so now all of a sudden, the Alaskan Pipeline is falling apart?

Bullshit. Pure utter bullshit. You mean to tell me that a multibillion dollar pipeline just all of a sudden develops so many worn out places & weak spots that you gotta shut it down? Bullshit! I'd like to think someone has the sense to check this thing REGULARLY, especially in the age of global terrorism, so how the fuck do they miss the fact that it was falling apart? You mean to tell me it fell apart overnight? Sure....sure it did. Or are you telling me no one has checked this thing in the past, oh, say, 5 to 10 years and noticed it was maybe coming apart?

Pull the other leg, assholes; it plays "Jingle Bells".

Sunday, August 6, 2006


Why is it that it's okay for these dustbunny scumbag insurgents (a polite term for organized terrorists) to behead Americans on live TV and the Internet, to kidnap American soldiers, kill them, and booby-trap the mutilated bodies, to kill civilian contractors & burn the mutilated corpses, and hang the remains from bridges so more of these assholes can beat them with sticks like a piƱata, but if an American says something about the Koran or some Iraqi prisoners get embarrassing pictures taken of them, the media explodes like it's the second coming of Hitler?

Why is it that the media never shows images of US troops feeding starving villagers, or air-dropping thousands of food packets, or building schools, or giving inoculations for cholera to people who shit in their own water supply, or training police officers to take care of their own country, and instead only focuses on the rare occurrence of some dipshit who snaps and kills a civilian? Why is it only the bad things get hugely publicized while the good things get forgotten?

Why is it that most junior enlisted troops, who have to do the bulk of the shitty details the military gets tasked with, are so poorly paid that they qualify for FOOD STAMPS? Why do so many troops have to take second jobs delivering pizza and stocking shelves at night at Wal-Mart to make ends meet? Why is it that it took a Doctorate in Aeronautical Engineering to design a plane, a Master's to build it, a Bachelor's to fly it, and the millions of dollars of electronics, avionics, and weapons are maintained by a high school graduate who is paid less than the drive thru clown at Hardee's, and isn't old enough to even by a beer yet to toast the news that he's again getting deployed to some Third World shit hole where every day angry people will do their level best to kill him for trying to help them?

Why is it that troops have had to beg Rumsfeld for armor kits for their vehicles and in many cases have had to scrounge steel plates from trash piles to weld onto their vehicles for protection from people who strap explosives to pregnant women & send them into wedding parties to blow themselves up?

Why is it that we have Israel, Lebanon, the Hezbo's, and every other Jallallahoolabooladurkadurka jihad teetering on the edge of potential nuclear war, and the biggest story in the news is what Mel Gibson said about a Jewish cop during a DUI arrest? At this rate, Israel will get wind of the anti-Semite remarks of Gibson and start bombing Hollywood. No big loss….

Why is it that the average American has no clue that Venezuela, whom we import an assload of oil from, is on the verge of going communist, but knew that last night was the series premiere of Celebrity Fit Club and Flavor of Love?

Why is it that the average American will gladly tell you that he lives in the greatest country on earth because we're free and can vote for our leaders, but that they have no idea who their elected representatives to Congress are and didn't vote in the last election? Why is it that more Americans voted for American Idol than in any American presidential election, ever?

Yeah...can you tell me why?

Friday, August 4, 2006

I Love Me Some Me

I Love Me Some Me

You know, some people just love themselves too much. Many of these same people seem to live for feeding their own publicity machines. Perennially problematic notable media whore Terrell Owens, in a post-game interview, said once (or twice), “I love me some me". Sure, T.O., and everyone else in football thinks you're a pariah.
The United States Marines are the few, the proud, the ones who have to tell you time & again how great they are. Every Marine, current & former, has no shortage of hats, bumper stickers, flags, and t-shirts proclaiming their status as the most dangerous oxygen-burning carbon-based life form ever to grace this rock. Now, don't get me wrong; I love Marines, even though I was Army. My oldest friend in the world is a former Marine. But the self-propaganda machine amuses me. It's almost like they have Short Man Syndrome...the smallest branch of the military always puffing itself up. Look on any (and I do mean ANY) military t-shirt web page and the shirts for the USMC will outnumber the other services 5 to 1. Shameless self-promotion..... don't hate me, Chris!

Rush Limbaugh toots his own horn for 3 hours a day, telling his mindless sheeple zomboid listeners how great he is and how America would crumble into dust without him. You'd think that blowhard would have gone into the shitter after his Oxycontin scandal, but like Marion Barry, he fell into shit & came out smelling like a rose. It's funny how Limbaugh spent 8 years beating Bill Clinton like a gong, and the two of them have more in common than you'd think...they both are enamored of the sound of their own voices, both are beloved of throngs of dolts, and both came out of potentially career-ending fuck-ups more popular than ever.

Aw yeah, boyeee! Gots me some bling!

It simply astounds me, the very nature of human beings.

It mystifies me, the stupidity of my fellow humans. Why, oh why, would you put 5000 freakin' dollars worth of ugly-assed oversized rims on a 500 dollar piece of shit car?

A barely drivable mobile-unit, with a paint job that's primarily primer, that's been paid for since Carter was in office, and then you went to some fly-by-night finance place and took out a LOAN for 5 grand to buy WHEELS? Are you HIGH? Or are you just stupid?

I get a kick outta the ones that are on a payment plan & have just rims on the back, and regular wheels on the front because they haven't bought the others yet....or better yet, what happens when you can't pay the payment? Do the repo guys come & repo your wheels? I can see it's 3AM Eternal, and the repo man wheels into the trailer park, jacks up your car like a NASCAR pit crew & takes back your wheels, all in under 60 seconds.

I absolutely love the ones who feel the need to tell you what the size of the rims are with numbers painted on the rear quarter of the car. Whether it be 22's, 24's, or even 26's....I mean, does anyone really give a fuck except the other douchebags with rim-envy and numbers on their own rides? I even saw one twat riding around town in a beat up Ford Probe and on the back it had 16" in big stickers on it, under the Lee Press-On Spoiler kit. Yes... a Ford freakin' PROBE! Advertising 16" rims! Whoopty shit. My mom's Kia Amanti has 16" rims. Then again, this was a supposed adult driving a car named after something that goes in your ass. Need I say more?

Yeah...a 500 dollar car with minimum coverage liability insurance, with 8000 dollar rims, 2000 dollars worth of dumb-assed TV’s in the headrest and a 5000 dollar stereo & speaker set up. Makes sense to me.