Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Would somebody PLEASE shut this chick up?

Back on September 13th of this year, I cordially invited New York Times Liberal Mouthpiece Maureen Dowd here to South Carolina to enjoy some of our hospitality, and then to pull up her paper drawers and tear out of here, as my wife would say. That's a local Colleton County euphemism, meaning get the eff out of here.

see here:

It seems that Mo opened her cake-hole and caught my attention again today. Why oh why must she seek my full undivided attention so? A glutton for punishment she must be, and I'm sure one or two of you more religiously devout readers out there can back me up on gluttony being a deadly sin.

It seems in her December 29th rant in the New York Times, that pinnacle of fine literary fishwrap, MoDo called out the Obamessiah's Redistribution Reich for their complete failure in preventing The Great Nigerian Undie Bomber from burning his balls off on a frosty Detroit tarmac, and rightly so.


Not content with doing the right thing, Dowd resorts to the standard Liberal fallback position, and she.....c'mon.....say it with me now......BLAMES BUSH.
She dumps on the Liberal Trifecta of Evil (W, Rumsfeld, & Cheney) and then blasts Obama, and goes full circle. She flew so far to the left that she couldn't help but see the right, and then she had to knee-jerk blame Bush, as is their wont.

How is it Bush's fault? Republicans blocked buying full-body scanners, and this was, as far as Dowd is concerned, the sole reason for any & all terrorism (wait, disasters) in the world today.

She says:"Just because Republicans helped lead the ban on better technology and opposed airport security spending doesn’t mean they’ll stop Cheneying the Democrats for subverting national security."

Bitch, please. Have you seen the billions in pork products the Democrats stuffed into the latest defense bill? Scattered in amongst the $3 million for for a visitors center in San Francisco and the $23 million for indigent health care in Hawaii and
$18 million for the Edward Kennedy Policy Institute in Massachusetts, where the hell is the funding for airport scanners?

Do us all a favor. Reduce your carbon footprint & hold your breath until 2012.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

People who made me shake my head this year

As 2009 winds down, I guess I need to be snarky again. I know, big shock, right?

It’s time to take a look at the famous people who had it rough this year. And yet, most of them are still having a better year than most of us working-class schmucks because even when they fall in shit they come up smelling like roses. Most make money from being failures almost as well as they make money from being successes. Some, however, do not.

Some of my picks for people who just made me shake my head this year include:

Kanye West, Serial Douchebag.
Dude, you’re just a grade-A, prime asshole.There are soooooo many reasons to dislike you that I’m actually at a loss for where to begin to catalog them. I’m surprised you haven’t tried to buy a Kanye Vagina Kit to have 32 babies at once so you could have da biggis birf of aww time. PS—your rhymes suck.

David Letterman, Serial Smug Liberal Hypocrite
I swear, Dave, it was so refreshing to see you eat a cold, open-faced crow-and-shit sandwich after all those years of poking fun at celebrity adulterers, especially if they happened to be Conservatives. Regina should have taken your smug unfunny ass to the cleaners…

Charlie Sheen, Serial Creep
Face it, Chuckles. You’re an idiot with an awful lot of problems. That’s what’s so funny about Michael Jordan driving away from you in the undies commercials; no one wants to sit next to you for fear of catching your idiocy. You keep marrying hot chicks and then either beat them up while drunk & stoned or you go whoring around, literally, with literal whores. Heidi Fleiss had you on speed dial. You spent Christmas in jail on a domestic, you moron. You’re either our next celebrity faux reality rehab show or our next celebrity suicide.

Lindsay Lohan, Serial Freakshow
You used to be hot. Smokin’ hot. Then you imploded, went anorexic, dyed your hair, got wasted on everything from booze to lighter fluid, thought you were a lesbian, made a few really bad movies, and now you look like a crack whore with a collagen fixation. Word to the wise, kiddo; Brittany Murphy was skinny like you and had just had her lips plumped too. For your sake I hope your night-stand pill bottle collection doesn’t look like hers.

Steve McNair, Dishonorable Mention for Serial Sports Adulterer

While I feel terricle for his wife and kids, because they didn’t even know his proclivities, I refuse to feel bad for Steve McNair himself. You lie down with dogs, you end up with fleas. You lead a secret double life with crazy underage bitches who find out that you have other women besides her, you get shot.

Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods, Serial Sports Adulterer

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger…you dummy. You had it all. A cushy “job” where all you had to do was work maybe twice a month in exotic, warm locales, where you smack a ball with a stick in dead silence and then leisurely walk after it while some guy carries your bag. You had endorsement deals out the wazoo. A yacht. A fat house. A trophy wife supermodel from Scandinavia.

And you had to go and piss it all away by ho-in’ around with Waffle House chicks, getting laid in church parking lots? Hundreds of millions of dollars and you couldn’t afford a second prepaid cell phone for ho’s to call you on? I have approximately zero sympathy for you. None, whatsoever. Putz. Enjoy paying alimony & child support with no sponsors, Eldrick. Companies are dropping you like your name was really Osama bin Hitler.

And then there’s this bonehead…

Somewhere in Illinois, or Hawaii, or Indonesia, or Kenya…a village is missing its idiot.

Friday, December 25, 2009

TV Reality Whore 2009 Trophy up for grabs

Tonight we have reality TV’s Fight to the Finish Super Mega Texas Cage Match!!!

In this corner, with 19 children and at least one grandchild, we have Team Vaginator, The Duggar Family!!!

And in this corner we have the combined team of Kate “I Make Hate” and Jon “Fauxhawk” Gosselin’s 8 kids and Nadya “Octomom the Crazy Bitch” Suleman’s 14 offspring.

Wait…we have incoming news……we’ve just been informed that the Duggars will be joined by reinforcements from convicted hoaxters The Heene Family, with kids Bradford, Ryo, and Falcon.

Stay tuned as they all square off to battle for the coveted REALITY WHORE 2009 trophy.

Just when you thought that socialist dipshit in the White House and his Wagyu-munching fashion disaster wife were the biggest self-loving attention hounds in the country, we have even better candidates.

People may think I’m just being mean to the Duggars, because they refuse to practice contraception because Jesus tells them to breed like flies and they name their kids after various biblical figures, but seriously now, after 18 kids, the 19th one had complications and showed up early. Lady, you’re running out of uterus. It’s now got enough miles on it to qualify for Cash for Clunkers, only you can’t trade it in on a new uterus. There can’t be any viable wall left for a zygote to cling to. You may claim that God won’t give you anything you can’t handle, but by the same token have you ever told a kid to stop eating something or he’ll get a bellyache, and then let them get the bellyache to teach them to stop? This was your cue to STOP.

There isn’t much more I can say about Octomom that I didn’t say earlier this year. Lady, sew it shut except for your urethra. You should not ever, under any damned circumstances, be allowed to breed again. The good people of Kellyfawnya are broke enough without paying for your constant litters of pups. You had your 15 minutes of fame and I hope you enjoyed it, because no one was seriously interested in a reality show based on your sickness.

Jon & Kate Make Hate...lovely. Pretty much everybody blames Jon for the collapse of their franchise, um, I mean, marriage. Sure, he went & started to cat around…the fame started to go a bit to his head after he was on TV awhile….started gelling up that fauxhawk hairdo and all of a sudden his entire wardrobe was Ed Hardy, like he was 19 and cruising the beach for ass. But, I’m pretty sure that Kate’s constant bitching like a harpy drove him to the point of adultery. She absolutely lived for the screen. She ate that attention up like a crack-whore on a glass pipe. I’ve never seen an entire episode of their show because after 5 minutes I wanted to punch her in the throat. I kept waiting for him to just ask her if she wanted him to just double-park his ass so she could get off it without hurting herself. I’d keep giving her a second chance because she was kinda hot in the MILF-with-10-kids kind of way, but then she’d open her cake-hole and ruin it.

And then we have the Heene family…..a dad so desperate to be famous that he pimped his wife, who can barely speak English, out to the Wifeswap show not once, but twice. A guy so desperate to be hip & cool, he named his kid Falcon. He named another kid Ryo. I guess no one paid enough attention to him when he named the first one Bradford. Not content with being a building contractor, he keeps trying to get on TV as a self-proclaimed storm chaser and wannabe reality star. It all came to a foamy head in October when in a fit of complete desperation, Richard Heene told Falcon to hide upstairs while he released a giant bag of Jiffy Pop filled with helium and then told the press and police, likely in that order, that he thought his kid was in the popcorn bag. People went batshit, and CNN carried it second-by-second in coverage reminiscent of 9-11. Later, the kid shit the bed and let the cat out of the proverbial bag, telling everyone on live TV that they did it all for the TV show…and now both parents are headed to jail and have to pay around 50 grand in fines and restitution. Hey, asshole, still like being on TV?

Would I like to be a well-known and somewhat famous writer? Sure, but I’m not so desperate for adulation that I’m willing to be a complete buffoon ripe for snarky mockery-fodder. I still have some measure of pride left. Kinda…

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Ho Ho Ho

I'm not a particularly religious person. Never have been; likely never will be. But that doesn't mean that I don't respect the beliefs of others.

One of the things that I always found comforting in a traditional sort of way was catching the coverages of the Midnight Masses in Rome and in the USA, and various ceremonies in Israel, on the TV. To me, it's an important part of Christmas.

Whether or not you're a religious person, Christmas is a religious holiday, despite what Wall Street and commercial corporate America would have you believe. For those in the Judeo-Christian world, it's pretty much THE religious holiday. Lest we forget the term comes from holy opposed to the prefabricated Hallmark Holidays.

I jokingly call myself a Pastafarian who follows the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

For all you atheists out there with nothing better to do than complain about Christmas trees at government buildings, or angels on said trees, just give it a rest. It's Christmas. Sure, the Christians, by which I mean the Holy Roman Church, pretty much stole December 25th from the pagan Celts and their Yule celebration around the winter solstice, and from the non-Christian Romans with their festival of Saturnalia. I've read varying reports that say Jesus was born in September and others say April, based on things like when the Star of Bethlehem would have been in the sky as described in the Bible, and based on events surrounding the death of King Herod. Many Biblical scholars will agree that Jesus likely was not really born on December 25th.

But y'know what? America was founded by devout Christians as a Christian country, and has been a Christian country for over two and a half centuries. We were founded on freedom OF religion, not freedom FROM religion. If it's that big a problem for you, move. You bitch every year about Christmas trees and nativity scenes, and yet you have no problem living your free lifestyle afforded you by this free, Christian country, and you willingly accumulate & spend money that says "In God We Trust" right on it. Live with it, or leave.

Like I said in another post, most everyone's been putting up their favorite Christmas videos...

While I always loved that duet of Bing Crosby and David Bowie doing Little Drummer Boy, I never truly appreciated the song until I heard it performed by the band Jars of Clay. I couldn't find an official video for it, so I opted for one with just the lyrics.

And of course, since I am who I am, it wouldn't be the same without bagpipes.
Angels we have heard on high,sweetly singing o'er the plains,
And the mountains in reply echoing their joyous strains.
Gloria, in excelsis Deo! Gloria, in excelsis Deo!

And finally, I leave you all with a non-Christmas song that has a great message. Leave it to a kind-hearted & compassionate Conservative agnostic to gift you with a reggae-inflected song done by a Hasidic Jew...that's how I roll.

Peace be unto you...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Okay...something Christmas related from me, finally

With all my friends posting up various Christmas songs, I figured it was my turn. This song makes me laugh till it hurts every year.....

NEWS FLASH! Angels Can't Fly!!!

Y’know, I’m usually a big believer in science; always have been. I was never brought up religiously, and I have a fairly skeptical view of most religion as a whole. Even as a tot I was all about Darwin and dinosaurs and was the only kid in first grade who wanted to be a paleontologist when he grew up.

However, as of late, I have to call shenanigans on a lot of this science going about. All these so-called scientists and experts hoodwinking the world with their Global Warming and Climate Change voodoo is a prime example. And yet, people still keep handing them garbage bags full of money even after it’s been shown to be a hoax and a scam.

And now we have another guy with too much time on his hands and too much funding in his coffers telling us that, get this…are you ready for it? Sit down. Seriously……

Angels can’t really fly.

I frikkin’ kid you not. If I had this guy on my university staff I’d have him sacked for wasting resources and making the school look foolish. I’d almost rather this buffoon be looking into mythical global warming than paintings of angels.

Cures for cancer. Cures for AIDS. Cures for this non-pandemic of Swine Flu. Heading off the dreaded H5N6 Platypus Flu before it begins. All of this has got to be better than whether or not mystical religious creatures could really fly or not.

And yet this leading biologist has compared the physiology of flighted species with the representations of angelic creatures in art, and claims the angels on top of your Christmas trees did not get there under their own wing-power.

Professor Roger Wotton, from University College London, found that flight would be impossible for angels portrayed with arms and bird-like feathered wings.

Even a cursory examination of the evidence in representational arts shows that angels and cherubs cannot take off and cannot use powered flight,” said Professor Wotton. “And even if they used gliding flight, they would need to be exposed to very high wind velocities at take off; such high winds that they would be blown away and have no need for wings.”

Angels, cherubs and putti (babies with wings) adorn some the world’s most famous religious paintings and architecture, hovering in the air to witness the deeds of God and men. They appear in paintings by Leonardo Da Vinci (The Annunciation), Michelangelo (Sistine Chapel) , and Raphael (The Triumph of Galatea); Donatello alone seems to be the only Ninja Turtle to have not painted them.

According to the accepted science, birds’ wings evolved from the forearms of their ancestors and over time their whole body shape was determined by the covering of feathers. The reduced density of the bird skeleton provided a light but strong frame. I always like to tell people that if you take the tail off a Struthiomimus skeleton, you get the skeleton of an ostrich. Hey…wait a minute…Struthiomimus is Greek for “ostrich mimic”. Imagine that?

But angels have normal-sized bodies and cherubs and putti are often given additional weight, portrayed as chubby babies with tiny wings. They also lack the powerful muscles which allow birds to beat their wings. They seem either pretty regular, or kinda plump.

Fairies come under similar scrutiny in the paper - Angels, Putti, Dragons and Fairies: Believing the Impossible - published in UCL’s Opticon magazine. They are generally shown with insect wings, often those of damselfly or butterflies. Both insects have complex flight mechanisms with major muscles in the thorax, the chest region, which power the flapping of wings.

“The distortion of the thorax needed for flight in fairies with butterfly wings would be exceedingly uncomfortable,” said the academic. “For sure, fairies don’t fly.”

Well, shit. You’re telling me that imaginary creatures can’t do something? If they’re imaginary fictitious creatures, these fairies, then perhaps they CAN fly? They do whatever the imagination desires.

Angels have a special significance in the Judeo-Christian tradition and also play a role in Islam. Just don’t tell Muslim extremists that or they’ll declare a jihad against you for blasphemy against Islam by saying it has something in common with Christianity. Numerous passages in the King James Bible mention angels flying. In Isaiah 6: verses 2 and 6, Seraphim are described with six wings each. That’s an awful lot of wings. Dragonflies don’t even have that many, and they really can fly.

Holy crap. Next you'll shatter my tenuous grip on reality by telling me that maybe the mighty gryphon can't fly either?

Professor Wotton’s paper explores why the mythology is so strong.

“Looking at these things teaches us something about what we believe and what is concrete,” said Wotton. “Angels are very powerful religious icons for people with faith. Their similarity to humans adds to their power. At the same time, they have wings on them because they are more than human. They take messages to heaven and therefore have to fly.

“Fairies of popular imagination are thought to come from a pleasant underworld and commute between there and our world, so flying is a way of decreasing travel time.”

That, and it looks magical, there, doc.

Hey, wait…in the film “City of Angels”, none of the angels hanging out with Nicolas Cage had wings…maybe their messages get to Heaven via Blackberry Messenger? With the new Verizon "Heaven Plan" you get unlimited texts between you and your chosen deity.

All the things that are wrong in this world, and this guy’s got shit-all else to do than waste time and money on crap like this? If you care to contact Dr. Wotton and let him know what you think of his findings, you can reach him via:
tel: (+44)-(0)20-7679-3580 fax: (+44)-(0)20-7679-7096

This man is using valuable educational resources for bullshittery.

If you’d rather write the head of the Genetics, Evolution, and Environment Department, that’d be J. Steve Jones, and his email is:

Instead of finding water on Mars or ice on the moon, try finding water in Somalia, or try finding food in Ethiopia, or ways to fix spinal cord injuries and traumatic brain injuries. Telling me that imaginary fae folk and religious icons can’t fly the way that barely literate people drew them 400 years ago is just wasting my time. Most of those same people thought the world was flat, too.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Crime is Down, except in my town...

I came across a rather interesting article on FOX yesterday. Conservative Scalawag beat me to the punch on mentioning it, though. Kudos, sir.

WASHINGTON — Unemployment is high, the economy is down. Yet for all the signs of recession, something is missing: More crime.

Experts are scratching their heads over why crime has ebbed during this recession, making it different from other economic downturns of the past half-century. Early guesses include jobless folks at home keeping closer watch for thieves, or extra benefits keeping people from resorting to crime.

Preliminary figures gathered by the FBI for the first six months of 2009 show crime falling across the country — at a time when many experts and police officials had expected crime to rise under the pressure of high unemployment, foreclosures and layoffs.

Murder and manslaughter dropped a surprising 10 percent for the first half of the year, according to the FBI's data.

"That's a remarkable decline, given the economic conditions," said Richard Rosenfeld, a sociologist at the University of Missouri-St. Louis who has studied crime trends.

Rosenfeld said he did not expect the 10 percent drop in killings to be sustained over the entire year, as more data is reported. But he said the broad declines are exceptional, given that past recessions have boosted crime rates dating back to the 1950's.

The professor said there are several possible explanations, including that extended unemployment benefits and other government attempts at economic stimulus "have cushioned and delayed for many people the big blows that come from a recession."
Those benefits will have to run out eventually, he cautioned.

Another possible factor is that with more people home from work, it is harder for burglars to break into a home or apartment unnoticed by neighbors, he said.

Rosenfeld said another possibility is that because big cities tend to have an outsize impact on crime statistics, those cities' so-called "smart policing" efforts are still working to drive down rates.

"What you see are the large cities, Chicago, Los Angeles, New York in particular are down considerably, and those large cities are driving the overall change," he said.

Overall, violent crimes fell by 4.4 percent and property crimes dropped by 6.1 percent, according to the data collected by the FBI. Crime rates haven't been this low since the 1960's, and are nowhere near the peak reached in the early 1990's.

The new figures show car thefts also dropped significantly, falling nearly 19 percent and continuing a sharp downward trend in that category. Some believe that big drop in car theft is due largely to the security locking systems installed on most models, as well as more high-tech deterrents like global positioning systems.

The figures are based on data supplied to the FBI by more than 11,700 police and law enforcement agencies. They compare reported crimes in the first six months of this year to the first six months of last year.

The early 2009 data suggests the crime-dropping trend of 2008 is not just continuing but accelerating. In 2008, the same data showed a nearly 4 percent drop in murder and manslaughter, and an overall drop in violent crime of 1.9 percent from 2007 to 2008.

According to the FBI figures, reports of violent crime fell about 7 percent in cities with 1 million or more people. But in towns with 10,000 to 25,000 people, violent crime ticked up slightly by 1.7 percent.

Each city's data was different, but collectively pointed to less crime in every major category.

Nationwide, rape fell by 3.3 percent and robbery by 6.5 percent. Arsons, which are subject to a variety of reporting standards, declined more than 8 percent.

The FBI's data for New York City shows 204 reported murders in the first half of 2009, compared to 252 in same period last year. By comparison, Oklahoma City saw reported killings increase from 26 to 32, the FBI said. Phoenix, Ariz., saw 10 fewer killings, dropping from 86 in the first half of 2008 to 76 in the first half of this year, according to the data.

Separate statistics compiled by the Justice Department measure both reported and unreported crimes

Okay…what about the fact that once that imbecile and his cronies took over in Washington, gun sales went through the roof? Maybe crime is down because more people are armed & prepared for self-defense?

Maybe the chronic shortage of ammunition I keep hearing about has meant that the bad guys can’t get ammo for their cheap, poorly-maintained guns that they rob and murder their local citizenry with? Nahhhh, shortages only ever effect the law-abiding citizens. Criminals always find ways to get guns and ammo. Gun control laws only keep law-abiding citizens unarmed & defenseless while criminals just get better armed.

Maybe the economy is so bad that the few bullets that are left in stores are unable to be purchased because the economy is so shitty that no one can afford the ammo to go commit crimes with?

Wouldn’t you think that with Global Warming keeping it so damned hot, and with Al Gore claiming that the earth is a few million degrees just under our feet, that crime would be astronomical due to heat-related insanity?

Then again, you have cops bringing handguns to snowball fights…

But it’s not down everywhere, obviously…like in my backyard.

Unemployment in South Carolina is up…like 12.3% now. Gun crime in my town is UP. WAY UP. I live in a town of 6500 people 40 miles from Charleston. We’re the county seat for a very rural county of about 39,000. In the past year or so we had a deputy sheriff shot & killed, my wife & I were caught in a shooting at a gas station that ended with 11 arrests, one wounded (and armed) juvenile, and yours truly with a 9mm hole in his quarter-panel 8 inches from my kneecap. Being a law-abiding gun owner (and slacker who hasn’t gotten his concealed carry permit), my .45 was at home.

We’ve had a lady murdered in her driveway. We have had no fewer than 10 shootings, in town and just outside the limits, in the past 8 weeks alone. One of those was a drive by that killed three, including a 20-month-old baby, and sent several others to the hospital. Three assclowns recently broke into an elderly woman’s home and after she fired at the intruders, they maced her & shot her, kidnapped her, stole her car, and left her in the trunk of her car a few miles from my door. She’s recovering and should be just fine.

Beware of Owner: Gun Control means being able to hit your target.

The shitty economy means that I haven’t got the extra money to put towards getting my wife a weapon and getting us both our carry permits. It’ll be $300 to get our permits and then maybe another three or four hundred to get her something she likes and is comfortable with.

Maybe Obama will give me a Homeland Security bailout grant to arm my family? Yeah, right…

Due to economic hardship, it's harder to mack in a pimp ride. However, it's also easier to look like a Tru Playa with a smaller bank roll...

Monday, December 21, 2009

Goodbye, Miz Murphy

I liked Brittany Murphy. She was funny, quirky, cute, talented, and too damned young to die.

Most everyone knows her from her acting, and from cartoon voice-overs. But for the last couple years I've had a song that she recorded as a permanent part of my MP3 player playlist. Not everyone listens to dance club/techno/house music, especially in my over-40 peer group, but I absolutely love the genre, and Brittany Murphy provided some great vocals on the Paul Oakenfold single ,"Faster Kill Pussycat", released in March 2006. The girl had some pipes on her.

My condolences go out to her husband & family.

Rest in peace, Murph. You'll be missed.

Megrahi allegedly circling the drain....again

Okay...perhaps this isn't a very charitable thing to write about at the holidays, but terrorists deserve no mercy, no quarter, and no charity. Period.

According to various sources, terrorist mastermind and UberScumbag Abdel Baset al-Megrahi's health is in decline and deteriorating rapidly. As you'll recall, Megrahi is the convicted mastermind behind the terrorist attack that blew up Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland. In all, 270 people were killed in the attack, which coincidentally occured 21 years ago today.

Megrahi was allowed to go free back in August after some dodgy back-room deals with the UK Government that kinda pissed off most of the Western world. This was supposedly because Megrahi was dying from prostate cancer and that this was a compassionate release so he could die at home. They said it would be a low-key release, and this terrorist turd showed up to a festival bigger than the Super Bowl, and I've been watching the seconds tick away to his death with bated breath.

Megrahi,57, arrived at the hospital on Saturday coughing and vomiting, a statement from Tripoli Medical Center said, and that Megrahi's condition has worsened. It seems that his cancer has metasticized and spread throughout his body.

We already missed Hannukah. With any luck maybe we'll be rid of him by Christmas. If there's justice in the universe, then maybe today's the day and on the 21st anniversary of the deed itself, those 270 souls will finally know peace.

Dance a merry jig each time a terrorist goes to meet Allah. See ya!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

How to get filthy rich. Follow me to glory!

(note--this post goes hand in hand with the other recent Global Warming Scamfest post )

In today’s craptastic Obamaconomy™, free enterprise is frowned upon and capitalism is a cardinal sin. Until I can find a way to score my own bailout from Obie’s Secret Stash I’ll have to be anti-American and resort to the same entrepeneurial spirit that built this nation and stimulate my own personal slice of the global money market.

If you can’t beat ‘em, don’t join ‘em; change the rules and beat them at their own game, sayeth I.

Friends and dear readers, you now have a wondrous opportunity to join me in filthy lucre and jump on my bandwagon o’ wealth by being a licensed franchisee of The Lightning Man’s Carbon Credit Carnival!

If that Forrest Gump-meets-Jabba the Hutt slug Al Gore can get oodles of ducats from bilking corporations for billions in fake, made-up, contrived carbon offsets by planting trees under the Global Warming battle cry, why the hell can’t I?

I’ve started my own Climate Change Green Corporation, and gathered up ten 55-gallon drums (made from recycled plastic, of course) and filled them with acorns.

Yup, acorns.

Each acorn represents a tree. Once planted, each acorn will sprout into a sturdy oak to offset the evil emissions of industry and progress. I couldn’t determine how many acorns come in a gallon, but a helpful website I found sells gumballs at 850 a gallon, and acorns are about the same size.

Each drum holds 55 gallons of acorns, at approximately 850 acorns per gallon or 46,750 acorns per barrel. That’s nearly 50,000 trees worth of GREEN per barrel. According to some spurious math I read, it takes 36 maple trees to reduce a ton of CO2 a year, and only 6 pine trees. Dunno why. I’ll go with 20 acorns per ton of C02, since all this shit is made up anyways. So each barrel can offset almost 2400 tons of carbon, and the going rate of carbon credits averages about $20.00, so each barrel can sell for about $48,000.00. We’ll round that up to fifty large, based solely on the fact that the barrel is recycled and those morons love words like that. My ten barrels should sell for $500,000, minus costs…See here.

Recycled 55-gallon drums average 55 dollars apiece, so subtract your $550 for the drums. Acorns are free, but gathering them is a bitch. However, most homeless winos I know will do damn near anything for a couple 40-ouncers of Saint Ide’s malt liquor, so if you give them say, two 40’s per barrel, at $2.00 per bottle, you can get your acorns harvested for $40.00, maybe less if they’re on a bad DT jones for that ”mawlt ligga”. That’s even cheaper than using illegal aliens, unless you force them to either pick for free or you’ll call INS. (wait, no one fears INS; Nasty Pelosi says illegals have more rights than Americans anyways. Bitch.)

So for say, six hundred bucks investment, I’ll get you half a million. God, I love capitalism!

Y’know…I’m going about this the wrong way. In the true spirit of Jabba the Global Warming Scam Artist, we actually should be telling people that these are special Magic Acorns and that each tree will scrub 10 tons of carbon, and then we can sell the credits for $5000.00 each. That way your 500,000 acorns yields you 250 MILLION dollars! All for a few shitty beers and plastic barrels. And if you’re in a pinch, Lowe’s sells these 55-gallon green & red storage bins for 25 bucks, cutting your investment in half. If your cost is halved, does that not then double your profits? Holy crap, I’m a genius.

Are we 100% sure our acorns will become viable trees? No. But we can’t very well admit that most experts put the odds of an acorn maturing to treedom at 1 in 10,000. That would mean that we’d really only be selling like 50 carbon credit trees out of our half a million. We’re not lying; simply omitting the negativity.

Sure, we’re not planting an actual germinated & growing sapling. We deal in seeds, which may or may not reach maturity. The acorn may not germinate. It could be eaten by deer or squirrels (See? Hunters are GOOD. They help in the fight against Global Warming by killing those who eat baby trees before they’re even born!) Once it sprouts, a lawn mower could slice it to ribbons. It takes anywhere from 15 to 50 years before an oak reaches full growth & maturity so your return on investment as far as the miraculous instantaneous scrubbing away of evil CO2 isn’t so immediate after all.

All of these things can be overcome in your sales pitches to customers by deft avoidance, the use of clever snappy catch phrases like “Hope”, “Change”, “Let Me Be Clear”, or the ever popular “Yes We Can” (or “Si, podemos” when selling to our Hispanic brethren). If resistance to the sale is still met, counter it with “George Bush hates trees. Buying our carbon offsets is the greatest way to get back at Bush and his war-mongering, teabagging lackeys. ¡Vivé la Revolución!”. Then you just salute, say “Heil Obama!”, and the sale is yours.

Y’know why we can call them Magic Acorns and sell them for five grand a pop? Because we said so. We’re the self-proclaimed experts and industry leaders in what’s quickly become a 60 billion dollar a year business. There’s big money in Global Warming, dontcha’ know? So, what we say goes. How can we be so sure that each of our Miracle Trees will offset 10 tons of carbon? We can’t. It’s an arbitrary number we picked because it sounded good. The science behind all of this global warming and climate change and carbon credit green movement bullshit is dubious at best and outright fantasy at worst, so as long as it sounds good, let’s run with it.

Global Warming, my ass. The entire northeastern third of the nation is under a foot of snow from the second blizzard in a week’s time, with winter still officially a day away. That Man They Elected (I can’t even call him the President anymore, I’m so utterly disgusted) was more or less laughed at in Carbonhagen, and those who didn’t laugh were pissed off that he didn’t come groveling and apologizing and offering the New World Order more tribute money. Those fucksticks from the White House knelt beforee the Global Warming Altar with a bribe of $30 BILLION immediately in “emergency climate aid” to needy countries, and $100 BILLION dollars a year of American taxpayer money, and they wanted more. We’re trillions of dollars in the hole, and the idiots offer up billions more, and the greedy world whores wanted more from us. Well, piss off, World. Piss off, Green Movement. Piss off, dumb-asses of the Obama Administration.

Where the hell is this money coming from? There’s NO MONEY LEFT, you assclowns. You’ve pissed it all away on TARP and Cash for Clunkers and bailouts and buying GM and myriad other bullshit follies, and then flitted off to pick up your Nobel Prize, and then went back to the scene of the crime to what you thought would be a hero’s welcome. Instead, they turned on you. Instead of a couple hundred nations kissing your ass, you only struck deals with, what? Five?

How deliciously ironic that you had to fly home with your tail tucked and landed your precious personal taxi, Air Force One, in the middle of a blizzard. Happy Global Warming, asshole.

So, who’s with me? Who wants a franchise? I have plenty of crackheads and winos locally in my state’s 12.3% unemployment pool just itching to pick up acorns for cheap hooch. Why should the Democrats and the EnviroDouches be the only ones to profit from this goat rope?