How to get filthy rich. Follow me to glory!

(note--this post goes hand in hand with the other recent Global Warming Scamfest post )


In today’s craptastic Obamaconomy™, free enterprise is frowned upon and capitalism is a cardinal sin. Until I can find a way to score my own bailout from Obie’s Secret Stash I’ll have to be anti-American and resort to the same entrepeneurial spirit that built this nation and stimulate my own personal slice of the global money market.

If you can’t beat ‘em, don’t join ‘em; change the rules and beat them at their own game, sayeth I.

Friends and dear readers, you now have a wondrous opportunity to join me in filthy lucre and jump on my bandwagon o’ wealth by being a licensed franchisee of The Lightning Man’s Carbon Credit Carnival!

If that Forrest Gump-meets-Jabba the Hutt slug Al Gore can get oodles of ducats from bilking corporations for billions in fake, made-up, contrived carbon offsets by planting trees under the Global Warming battle cry, why the hell can’t I?

I’ve started my own Climate Change Green Corporation, and gathered up ten 55-gallon drums (made from recycled plastic, of course) and filled them with acorns.

Yup, acorns.


Each acorn represents a tree. Once planted, each acorn will sprout into a sturdy oak to offset the evil emissions of industry and progress. I couldn’t determine how many acorns come in a gallon, but a helpful website I found sells gumballs at 850 a gallon, and acorns are about the same size.

Each drum holds 55 gallons of acorns, at approximately 850 acorns per gallon or 46,750 acorns per barrel. That’s nearly 50,000 trees worth of GREEN per barrel. According to some spurious math I read, it takes 36 maple trees to reduce a ton of CO2 a year, and only 6 pine trees. Dunno why. I’ll go with 20 acorns per ton of C02, since all this shit is made up anyways. So each barrel can offset almost 2400 tons of carbon, and the going rate of carbon credits averages about $20.00, so each barrel can sell for about $48,000.00. We’ll round that up to fifty large, based solely on the fact that the barrel is recycled and those morons love words like that. My ten barrels should sell for $500,000, minus costs…See here.


Recycled 55-gallon drums average 55 dollars apiece, so subtract your $550 for the drums. Acorns are free, but gathering them is a bitch. However, most homeless winos I know will do damn near anything for a couple 40-ouncers of Saint Ide’s malt liquor, so if you give them say, two 40’s per barrel, at $2.00 per bottle, you can get your acorns harvested for $40.00, maybe less if they’re on a bad DT jones for that ”mawlt ligga”. That’s even cheaper than using illegal aliens, unless you force them to either pick for free or you’ll call INS. (wait, no one fears INS; Nasty Pelosi says illegals have more rights than Americans anyways. Bitch.)

So for say, six hundred bucks investment, I’ll get you half a million. God, I love capitalism!

Y’know…I’m going about this the wrong way. In the true spirit of Jabba the Global Warming Scam Artist, we actually should be telling people that these are special Magic Acorns and that each tree will scrub 10 tons of carbon, and then we can sell the credits for $5000.00 each. That way your 500,000 acorns yields you 250 MILLION dollars! All for a few shitty beers and plastic barrels. And if you’re in a pinch, Lowe’s sells these 55-gallon green & red storage bins for 25 bucks, cutting your investment in half. If your cost is halved, does that not then double your profits? Holy crap, I’m a genius.



Are we 100% sure our acorns will become viable trees? No. But we can’t very well admit that most experts put the odds of an acorn maturing to treedom at 1 in 10,000. That would mean that we’d really only be selling like 50 carbon credit trees out of our half a million. We’re not lying; simply omitting the negativity.



Sure, we’re not planting an actual germinated & growing sapling. We deal in seeds, which may or may not reach maturity. The acorn may not germinate. It could be eaten by deer or squirrels (See? Hunters are GOOD. They help in the fight against Global Warming by killing those who eat baby trees before they’re even born!) Once it sprouts, a lawn mower could slice it to ribbons. It takes anywhere from 15 to 50 years before an oak reaches full growth & maturity so your return on investment as far as the miraculous instantaneous scrubbing away of evil CO2 isn’t so immediate after all.

All of these things can be overcome in your sales pitches to customers by deft avoidance, the use of clever snappy catch phrases like “Hope”, “Change”, “Let Me Be Clear”, or the ever popular “Yes We Can” (or “Si, podemos” when selling to our Hispanic brethren). If resistance to the sale is still met, counter it with “George Bush hates trees. Buying our carbon offsets is the greatest way to get back at Bush and his war-mongering, teabagging lackeys. ¡Vivé la Revolución!”. Then you just salute, say “Heil Obama!”, and the sale is yours.

Y’know why we can call them Magic Acorns and sell them for five grand a pop? Because we said so. We’re the self-proclaimed experts and industry leaders in what’s quickly become a 60 billion dollar a year business. There’s big money in Global Warming, dontcha’ know? So, what we say goes. How can we be so sure that each of our Miracle Trees will offset 10 tons of carbon? We can’t. It’s an arbitrary number we picked because it sounded good. The science behind all of this global warming and climate change and carbon credit green movement bullshit is dubious at best and outright fantasy at worst, so as long as it sounds good, let’s run with it.




Global Warming, my ass. The entire northeastern third of the nation is under a foot of snow from the second blizzard in a week’s time, with winter still officially a day away. That Man They Elected (I can’t even call him the President anymore, I’m so utterly disgusted) was more or less laughed at in Carbonhagen, and those who didn’t laugh were pissed off that he didn’t come groveling and apologizing and offering the New World Order more tribute money. Those fucksticks from the White House knelt beforee the Global Warming Altar with a bribe of $30 BILLION immediately in “emergency climate aid” to needy countries, and $100 BILLION dollars a year of American taxpayer money, and they wanted more. We’re trillions of dollars in the hole, and the idiots offer up billions more, and the greedy world whores wanted more from us. Well, piss off, World. Piss off, Green Movement. Piss off, dumb-asses of the Obama Administration.

Where the hell is this money coming from? There’s NO MONEY LEFT, you assclowns. You’ve pissed it all away on TARP and Cash for Clunkers and bailouts and buying GM and myriad other bullshit follies, and then flitted off to pick up your Nobel Prize, and then went back to the scene of the crime to what you thought would be a hero’s welcome. Instead, they turned on you. Instead of a couple hundred nations kissing your ass, you only struck deals with, what? Five?

How deliciously ironic that you had to fly home with your tail tucked and landed your precious personal taxi, Air Force One, in the middle of a blizzard. Happy Global Warming, asshole.


So, who’s with me? Who wants a franchise? I have plenty of crackheads and winos locally in my state’s 12.3% unemployment pool just itching to pick up acorns for cheap hooch. Why should the Democrats and the EnviroDouches be the only ones to profit from this goat rope?

Beware the Toilet Paper Czar

In one ear I have Jason Bateman telling me not to flush my toilet. In the other ear I have Sheryl Crow telling me to swab my O-ring with but a single square of sandpaper.

They can have my plush toilet paper when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

The Enviro-Nazis are at it again, this time attacking Quilted Northern Ultra-Plush, allegedly the first 3-ply super-plush poo paper. The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old.

Toilet paper is far from being the biggest threat to the world's forests: together with facial tissue, it accounts for 5 percent of the U.S. forest-products industry, according to industry figures. Paper and cardboard packaging makes up 26 percent of the industry, although more than half is made from recycled products. Newspapers account for 3 percent.

But environmentalists say 5 percent is still too much. My guess is they wipe their asses with hemp and then smoke it. That, or just use their left hands like it’s the Fourth or Fifth World. Their compromise is using recycled paper and say that it’s a dire sin and crime against the Earth Mother to use an old growth tree in such an undignified manner.


The reason for this war lies in toilet-paper engineering. Each sheet is a web of wood fibers, and fibers from old trees are longer, which produces a smoother and suppler web. Fibers made from recycled paper, like from magazines, newspapers or computer printouts, are shorter. The web is often rougher. So, when toilet paper is made for the public loo market, the scary bathrooms in Wal-Mart, restaurants, offices and schools, manufacturers use recycled fiber about 75 percent of the time. Plus, they buy the cheapest paper imaginable because they’re sorta forced to provide the restrooms. Thusly they aren’t making money from your bung, and they buy whatever sandpapery, waxy, wood-pulpy, non-absorbent, flimsy, half-ply garbage they can.

But for the "at home" market, the paper customers buy for themselves, 5 percent at most is fully recycled. The rest is mostly or totally "virgin" fiber, taken from newly cut trees, according to the market analysis firm RISI Inc. I myself don’t go for the fluffiest, plushest around as it’s linty and too flimsy for my manly arse.


Y’know, by making everyone use cheap paper, you tend to use more of it. When they outlaw toilet paper, only outlaws will have toilet paper…and clean asses. Maybe Greenpeace and the other Enviro-Nazis will be happier if we go back to the 1800’s and use corn cobs to scrape ourselves? I demand a Toilet Paper Czar!!!! The Left will probably let us keep our good papers if only they can tax us per square.



Sure, I'll use one square at a time if I can use THAT roll...

How I spent Earth Day

I was a bit too busy last week to blog about Earth Day.

I did however spend Earth Day trying to type up something in my living room, where my laptop is set up over in the corner, trying like hell to see in the dim light provided by some shitty Compact Fluorescent Light Bulb, lovingly provided free of charge in the mail by some organization or other.

It gives off perhaps half the brightness of the bulb it replaced, causing us to often leave on a second overhead light fixture across the room with a regular bulb, using more electricity by running two bulbs than I was using by running one regular incandescent bulb.

Perhaps the green movement would be happier if we all just turned off all the lights and roamed the house wearing night-vision goggles.

Green Movement, my ass. It’s another trendy bullshit marketing ploy. It started off as a great idea, and I wholeheartedly support a healthy environment and preserving Nature, but Global Warming is a farce and now the whole Green thing has just become a giant moneymaking scheme.

With the economy all jacked up, corporations are looking for any and every way to get what little money you have and put it in their coffers. Right now, the best and trendiest way is to call something Green. Green homes, Green living, Green this and Green that…..cleaners, laundry detergent, dishwashing soap, diapers, baby wipes, tampons, recycled toilet paper, tissues, and paper towels…if they can slap a Green label on it, they’ll sell it.

Sadly, they did the same thing with the pink ribbons for breast cancer awareness. After awhile, it ceased being a tool for increasing awareness and just became a schtick for selling anything and everything. I shit you not; I saw the pink ribbon on Jello boxes and on cheap plastic measuring cups. What exactly does Jello have to do with breast cancer awareness? As the child of a breast cancer survivor I found the use of the ribbon as a cheap fashion statement and advertising tool to sell trinkets, baubles, and bullshit measuring cups to be a tad nauseating.

Didn’t someone show in a study that it did more damage to the environment to make a hybrid like the Prius? Or that it cost more to own & operate a Prius than it did a Hummer? I hope I don’t get cancer from all the mercury in the compact bulbs or the toxins in the batteries on all the hybrids driving to and fro….what the hell color ribbon do I get for being killed by the Green Movement?

Instead of 8 feet to the gallon, the hybrid gets 12 feet...

Y’know what? The guy who was one of the founders of Earth Day was Ira Einhorn, who killed his girlfriend and stuffed her in a suitcase and then eventually fled the country. You should Google his name because I don’t have the patience right now to shoot you the backstory. The day he was arrested was the day of the incident at Three Mile Island. The environmentalist killed more people than the alleged environmental disaster.

Irony and schadenfreude…I love ‘em both.


What's more dangerous? Four pressurized-water reactors, or one liberal reactonary?