Dumbledore's Gay?

NEWS FLASH!

It has now being widely reported that Professor Albus Dumbledore, beloved headmaster at Hogwart’s School for Wizards (ie: a character in a fictional book series) is gay. Oh, the scandal!

J. K. Rowling, author of the wildly popular Harry Potter book series, said recently that the character of Dumbledore was gay. Did I ever suspect that Dumbledore was gay? Nope. How does this affect me? It doesn’t. How does it affect my opinion of the Harry Potter books and films? It doesn’t. Does it even matter that Dumbledore is gay?

No, it doesn’t.

Why should it? Does being gay make him a bad teacher of young wizards? Not that I can see. Does being gay mean he’s a threat to the students? Not hardly; he’s gay, not a pedophile or sexual deviant. Does being gay mean you should stop reading the books or seeing the films? Only if you’re an idiot.

So what if he’s gay? In the same vein that Harry Potter is a positive role model for kids who feel a bit different and a bit outcast, teaching them to believe in themselves, mayhap Dumbledore’s being outed can serve as a positive as well. Maybe some young gay adolescent can look to the character of Dumbledore as a positive role model, a wise professor who is a respected leader in his vocational field, an admired colleague, and much revered and beloved friend to all.

The only real downside I personally can see is that it gives new fodder for right-wing extremist religious zealots who have nothing better to do than bash the Potter books as being some sort of gateway to devil worship. These same wingnuts try to ban the Teletubbies as gay icons.

Tinky Winky is gay because he has a purse? Hulk Hogan has a fanny pack, so does that make him gay too? C’mon. Be real. Besides, no self-respecting gay dude that I’ve ever met would carry a red pleather handbag with a purple ensemble. That’s just tacky.

The Secrets of Harry Potter VII Revealed!!!!!!

Through many means various, nefarious, hilarious, spurious, and somewhat dubious, I was able to trade nuggets of raw yellow cake uranium (which I’d gotten in trade for several dozen bricks of uncut black-tar heroin) to a shifty, lisping French Communist named Poussaint for several bootleg copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

So…here be spoilers!!!!!


Turns out McGonagall and Filch murdered Dumbeldore and blamed it on Voldemort to keep the news quiet that Dumbeldore was about to be arrested as the leader of a child-porn ring. Scotland Yard, working in conjunction with inquisitors from Azkaban intercepted naked pictures of Draco Malfoy being sent by owl to a Catholic priest in Boston who is the clandestine president of NAMBLA.

Hagrid gives up magic, and shacks up with Sir Elton John.

Ron finally shags Hermoine after they get piss-drunk on absinthe stolen from Snape’s potions. They film it and upload in on YouTube, calling it “Hogwart’s Pie”. The best line in the clip was “This one time, at Magic Camp, I stuck a Nimbus 2000 up me bum…”

Neville Longbottom joins the Army and is assigned as Prince Harry’s bodyguard in Afghanistan, trading one Harry for another. He uses his magic to find and capture Osama Bin Laden, and after receiving a knighthood from the Queen, Neville is up to his eyelids in hot women.

Sirius Black finds his lost twin brother XM Black, and together they form a satellite-based magic school with Professor Howard Stern.

The Sorting Hat at Hogwarts is revealed to be Don Rickles.

And then there’s Harry… Harry Potter defeats Voldemort, graduates Hogwarts as valedictorian, and receives a full scholarship to Oxford where he intends to study art history. He gets engaged to Cho Chung after knocking her up, and is nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for ridding the world of Evil. While attending a seminar in Paris, Potter is killed by a suicide bomber who mistakenly ran into the wrong banquet hall, thinking it was the Michael Moore/Al Gore Global Warming lunch next door. Single mom Cho Chung becomes depressed and develops a nasty meth habit, making ends meet by being a contestant on Flavor of Love 8 on VH-1. Young Baby Potter is taken away by Social Services and eventually is adopted by a couple in rural eastern Kentucky who name him Cletus and use his magic to cheat on their taxes and make moonshine.

Now go buy the book and read it, you loser....stop looking for cheats on the internet.

Heretical Blasphemy

Once upon a time someone put pen to paper so to speak, and wrote a series of stories that was eventually published into a hugely popular book. The key figure in the story is a boy born and raised under unusual circumstances. His coming was foretold, and was highly anticipated by people who believed in him. He was destined for greatness and a difficult struggle to lead people against Evil. The boy was a learned scholar who had a devout following, and was able to perform great feats of magic and miracle. The boy was often troubled and misunderstood but grew into a wise and respected young adult with worshipful admirers.

The story of the young man with a greater destiny became one of the most popular tales in history and has been told the world over in dozens of languages. Movies have been made about the story. Depending upon the social customs and beliefs of various peoples, children have been both encouraged and dissuaded from reading the story of this boy. Many valuable lessons can be learned from the story, such as tolerance of others, kindness, love, sacrifice, gaining of wisdom, serving a higher calling, and the struggle of Good vs. Evil.

By now, you must be wondering who this controversial center character is. Who is this boy who rose from austerity to prominence? Many of you would say I’m referring to the story of Jesus Christ and the Holy Bible. And just as many would say I’m talking about Harry Potter. Both of you would be right, actually. It’s pretty easy to argue for either one to be the one of whom I speak. So, if there are so many similarities between the two central figures, why do so many people view the Potter books as some sort of evil entity full of devilry and witchcraft?

It’s harmless escapism, a delightfully fantastical yarn that not only entertains but also teaches its readers to be better people. Sorta like the Bible, but with a few more special effects. So, to be fair, if religious wingnuts in the state of Georgia want the Potter books banned from public school libraries because of potentially harmful material to kids, mayhaps the New Testament should be banned as well? After all, the main characters are pretty similar….The adventures of boy wizard Harry Potter can stay in Gwinnett County school libraries, despite a mother’s objections, a judge ruled.

Laura Mallory, who argued the popular fiction series is an attempt to indoctrinate children in witchcraft, said she still wants the best-selling books removed and may take her case to federal court.

“I maybe need a whole new case from the ground up,” Mallory said. The woman, who said two of her four children attend public schools in the county, was not represented by an attorney at the hearing. The old maxim states that a person who is their own lawyer has a fool for a client, no?

The ruling by Superior Judge Ronnie Batchelor upheld a decision by the Georgia Board of Education, which had supported local school officials. County school board members have said the books are good tools to encourage children to read and to spark creativity and imagination.

At the hearing, Mallory argued in part that witchcraft is a religion practiced by some people and, therefore, the books should be banned because reading them in school violates the constitutional separation of church and state.

“I have a dream that God will be welcomed back in our schools again,” Mallory said. “I think we need him.”

But that plan has a flaw, lady. You clamor for separation of church and state in one breath and then want to bring God into the schools? That’s the problem with you religious fruitcake fanatics, whether you be Christian, Muslim, or even those who worship sticks of butter; you want to shove YOUR beliefs down everyone’s throats while crushing any viewpoint that conflicts with your personal beliefs. Listen up, all you zealots and kooks: It’s a book, a work of fiction. Get over yourselves. I’ve heard some folks say the same thing about that little book that YOU hold so dear.

“The highest result of education is tolerance."
Helen Keller, (1880-1968)

"Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."
Jesus (from the Bible, Matthew 22:39)

"I do not serve what you worship; nor do you serve what I worship. You have your own religion and I have mine."
The Koran

CoEd Naked Harry Potter

Oh boy……the hullabaloo over this new play “Equis”, starring Daniel Radcliffe, is really kinda funny. Actually, the play isn’t new. It’s a revival of some weird-assed trippy stage drama about a boy who bashes in the side of a horse’s head with a brick or some such other blunt object, and then proceeds to prance about naked for the next 90 minutes or so. Sounds like some arty-fartsy excuse to watch some teenaged boy to rock out with his cock out….The Arts for Pedophiles, maybe….

At 17, Radcliffe is probably getting a little worried that Hollyweird will soon be typecasting him into forever being stuck as the kid in glasses riding a broom, thus missing out on juicier roles as an adult. The wicked tightrope-walk of being a child star…. No one would hire Danny Bonaduce after the Partridge Family, and look at the ‘Roid Rage, coked-up train wreck he turned out to be. Personally, I expected MacAuley Culkin to be either flipping burgers or imploding like River Phoenix, but he took an unconventional role in the indie film “SAVED”, and the performance was nothing short of brilliant. The same can’t be said for Benjamin Salisbury, the kid who played Brighton on The Nanny. His last acting gig was playing the pizza delivery guy in a Domino’s ad.

I guess everyone is all a-twitter over this because all these whiny soccer moms are horrified that little Billy & Susie might hear that harmless Harry Potter is walking about with his dong in the breeze and that’s just being an irresponsible child role model….NOTE TO SELF-SAME SOCCER MOMS: FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. He’s not a role model. He’s a role PLAYER. He’s an actor. Parents are role models. Teachers are role models. Actors, rock stars, and pro sports figures are not role models; they’re entertainers. Be more pro-active in your kids’ lives instead of letting them emulate attention-whore millionaires.

Sally Soccer Mom is scared shitless that her kid might ponder the nude human form. America is so prudish about nudity, yet we’re cool with violence & car chases and explosions. Nudity is natural; driving 120 miles an hour through rush hour traffic while blazing away at the other drivers with a machine gun really isn’t. Of course, the rumors are also saying that Radcliffe has a gi-normous dong, too. So maybe the soccer moms are all freaked out over the fact that they’re now dreaming of Harry Potter’s magic wand……