Four Tools in one post!!!

The Tool Box gains some new members this week.


One hit the bong.

One hit Rihanna.

One hit the juice.

And one took a hit by lying to Congress about others hitting the juice.


One lost his deal with Kellog’s.

One lost his deal with Wrigley’s.

One is about to lose his deal with Nike.

And one lost any shred of credibility he had left.



Michael Phelps, uber-swimmer who won 8 gold medals at last summer’s Olympics, surfaced on the Net smoking up in a picture taken at a party up the road from me in Columbia, SC at the University of South Carolina, where we stress the HIGH in HIGHER LEARNING. The Richland County Sheriff’s Office went bugfuck over this, declaring a jihad on Phelps as a menace to society and fugitive from justice. Junior, we’re in hot pursuit! One of Phelps’ buddies, in a true dumb pothead maneuver, put the bong in question up on eBay for a hundred grand. The cops raided the house and arrested 8 people, and vow they will not stop until Phelps sits in the electric chair at Lieber Prison in Ridgeville or until Fox gives them a reality cop show, whichever comes first. What do you expect from a police department whose office is located, I shit you not, right next to a pastel purple strip club near the notorious Two-Notch area of Columbia?

Phelps was banned from competitive swimming for 3 months and lost his deal with Kellogg’s, maker of Wheaties. Dude, pot ain’t exactly a performance enhancer. He ain’t gonna swim faster. If anything, he’ll swim slower and eat himself silly. He’ll tread water and think he’s swimming a thousand miles an hour. And maybe Kellogg’s should make a new cereal for hungry potheads called WEEDIES. Put Phelps on the box with Bob Marley and that kid from the Dell commercials that lost his own deal after a pot bust.


Squeaky-clean nice kid Chris Brown lost his fucking mind and smacked the shit out of his girlfriend Rihanna. I’m sure he’ll claim self-defense, even though she’s like five feet tall and weighs 98 pounds. The entire nation of Barbados has declared jihad on Brown and he was promptly dropped by sponsor Wrigley’s gum, a company that continues however to sponsor a ball field in a city that’s so corrupt that it makes Hugo Chavez look like Moral Orel.

Alex Rodriguez broke under pressure and admitted he used steroids a few years ago. The Yankees really needed another distraction, didn’t they? The citizens of Boston rejoiced, Nike may drop him as a sponsor, his records are tarnished and tainted, and Madonna only called him back to get Jeter’s number.

And finally, Miguel Tejada admitted he lied to Congress about having knowledge of steroid use among his fellow players. Yet another marquee player loses his credibility and baseball is stained like a motel sheet in a Vegas whorehouse. He’s not an American citizen so I guess the worst that Congress can do to him is send him back to the Dominican Republic. Whooptie shit; in 2 weeks he’d have another fat contract with a team in Japan.

And next week, Congress can investigate Mystery Meat in School Cafeterias

Having graduated high school in June of 1987, it’s been awhile since I took any U.S. history or Civics/Government classes. Ergo, I decided I’d use the ever-popular Wikipedia to refresh my addled memory on just what the actual duties of Congress are. Please bear with me.

The Congress shall have Power To lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defense and general Welfare of the United States; but all Duties, Imposts and Excises shall be uniform throughout the United States;

To regulate Commerce with foreign Nations, and among the several States, and with the Indian Tribes;

To establish a uniform Rule of Naturalization, and uniform Laws on the subject of Bankruptcies throughout the United States;

To coin Money, regulate the Value thereof, and of foreign Coin, and fix the Standard of Weights and Measures; and borrow money on the credit of the United States
To provide for the Punishment of counterfeiting the Securities and current Coin of the United States;

To establish Post Offices and Post Roads;

To promote the Progress of Science and useful Arts, by securing for limited Times to Authors and Inventors the exclusive Right to their respective Writings and Discoveries;

To constitute Tribunals inferior to the Supreme Court;

To define and punish Piracies and Felonies committed on the high Seas, and Offenses against the Law of Nations;

To declare War, grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal, and make Rules concerning Captures on Land and Water;

To raise and support Armies, but no Appropriation of Money to that Use shall be for a longer Term than two Years; to provide and maintain a Navy; to make Rules for the Government and Regulation of the land and naval Forces; to provide for calling forth the Militia to execute the Laws of the Union, suppress Insurrections and repel Invasions; to provide for organizing, arming, and disciplining the Militia, and for governing such Part of them as may be employed in the Service of the United States, reserving to the States respectively, the Appointment of the Officers, and the Authority of training the Militia according to the discipline prescribed by Congress;

To exercise exclusive Legislation in all Cases whatsoever, over such District (not exceeding ten Miles square) as may, by Cession of particular States, and the acceptance of Congress, become the Seat of the Government of the United States, and to exercise like Authority over all Places purchased by the Consent of the Legislature of the State in which the Same shall be, for the Erection of Forts, Magazines, Arsenals, dock-Yards, and other needful Buildings;

To make all Laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into Execution the foregoing Powers, and all other Powers vested by this Constitution in the Government of the United States, or in any Department or Officer thereof.

Okay, that said, I saw nowhere in there where it said Congress shall regulate and investigate steroid use in baseball, or any other sport. But here we are, in the sixth year of a war that has actually gone on longer than our official involvement in World War Two, oil prices are a hundred bucks a barrel, milk is over five bucks a gallon in some places, the economy is stalled, the housing market is circling the drain, illegal immigrants are pouring in across our borders and getting free health care and college tuition on our dime, and the latest Gallup Poll from last week (http://www.pollingreport.com/CongJob.htm) shows that Congress has an abysmal 23% approval rating, yet here we are with Congress wasting taxpayer money and time better spent on real Congressional duties, to grill baseball commissioner Bud Selig and various key players about whether or not they were juiced with ‘roids or Human Growth Hormone. And lest we forget, the Justice Department is now involved too, with their own Baseball Inquisition to see who committed perjury when Congress first stuck its nose into baseball and sent former Senator George Mitchell of Maine to dig up all that was transpiring on the Field of Dreams.

Look, we all know that steroids are bad. We know that HGH use is sketchy behavior. One report said that over 25 pro wrestlers’ deaths were steroid-related (and Congress wants to talk to them, too), several deaths among NFL players and former players (namely Lyle Alzado) were steroid-related, and recently the death of 27-year old Jesse Marunde has cast a speculative eye upon the World’s Strongest Man competitions. Young, impressionable student athletes have succumbed to the temptation of steroid use and many have paid with their lives. While this is tragic and a terrible waste, I just don’t se it as the New Scourge of the Millennium worthy of Congressional witch-hunts.

Let the sports police themselves. Let Bud Selig keep his own sandbox clean; the same with Roger Goodell of the NFL. Let Vince McMahon of World Wrestling Entertainment watch over his own employees (though that dude looks just as ‘roided up as his alleged wrestlers). Coaches, watch your players and look for warning signs. If you’re suddenly getting premium performances out of a guy who was lackluster before and he/she isn’t spending any more time in the weight room or on the practice field, dig a bit deeper instead of just cashing your paycheck and smiling in the post-game interviews. Parents, be more proactive in knowing just what the hell your kids are doing. Yeah, they get a bit bigger during puberty but if your kid starts looking like he could lift the family car out of a ditch by himself then maybe you should check into why your previously skinny kid looks like the Missing Link now. And kids, stop looking at overpaid athletes (and rock stars and actors) as role models. You want decent role models, look at teachers, soldiers, cops, and firemen.

Congress ostensibly has more important things to worry about. However, rather than work on the problems facing America, it’s more convenient to be seen on TV “doing the right thing” about steroid use in sports. Those little sound bytes on CNN keep your concerned face in the headlines while supposedly cleaning up sports for America’s young people to have their role models Steroid Free. You get to look like heroes and you look as if you’re Doing Something. You want something to do? Try finishing that Border Fence to keep illegals out. Try turning more responsibility over to Iraq so our troops can complete this grand & glorious mission of Nation Building you’ve set them out upon. Try opening the oil fields for drilling so we can stop relying on foreign oil. Try really doing something instead of furthering your own public images by pretending to clean up sports.

World Series of Hopscotch

On my way home from work Friday night, everyone at the radio station news desks were all a-twitter because Barry Bonds had hit another home run, and was now just one homer away from tying the record of Hank Aaron. I pity the pitcher who serves up the record-breaking home-run to Bonds. He’ll be the biggest goat to stand on a mound since Charlie Brown.

I’m trying like hell to NOT pay attention to it, because I feel Bonds hasn’t earned it honestly. Can Barry hit? Sure. But what good is a record if you got all juiced up in order to break it?

I feel like a turd now for giving a rat’s ass about watching the race between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa in 1998 to break Roger Maris’ single-season home-run record (about which Sports Illustrated said “… for conducting their great home run race with such dignity, joy and openness, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa are Sports Illustrated’s Sportsmen of the Year.”). Both have been implicated in steroid use, though both denied it. Sosa caught hell a couple years ago in a corked-bat inscident, too. Hank Aaron and Roger Maris sure as shit weren’t juiced.

Back in May, I made mention of how football was rife with players who had been arrested on myriad charges, and now Michael Vick has pretty much shitted away his 130 million dollar contract by being implicated in a dog-fighting ring. Yes, he’s innocent until proven guilty, and so far he’s only been indicted on charges of owning a property where dogs raised for fighting were bred. But there’s also a lotta talk about him personally killing dogs who didn’t measure up in training against other dogs for the requisite viciousness, and for allegedly being up to his well-paid ass in the whole dog-fighting world. I hope for his sake, the sake of the game, and the sake of the good people of Atlanta, that he’s innocent.

Alberto Contador of Spain just won the 2007 Tour de France, a Tour that was riddled with scandals about doping and cheating. The sport as a whole is imploding with everyone from their commissioner on down pointing fingers at every rider in the sport, and people are still trying to say Lance Armstrong cheated, two years after he retired.

Basketball got a huge black eye this past week when it was alleged that one of their referees had been betting on games he was reffing and could have bookie ties to the Mob. Oh, dear. That’s not good.

But on June 22d, 2007, the NHL held their 45th annual entry draft and nobody knew, because nobody pushed the TV coverage. I had to try & watch it as a streaming feed online. Once again, hockey gets shit on while other sports get away with being more tainted than a stream near Chernobyl. On May 19, during the Stanley Cup Playoffs Eastern Conference Finals Game 5 between Ottawa and Buffalo, NBC screwed the pooch royally by skipping out of OVERTIME and going directly to their Preakness Stakes pre-race coverage (a horse racing broadcast generally contains several hours of pre-race coverage and interviews, and approximately 2 minutes of actual racing). The OT was televised on Versus, a cable channel found in about 9 households nationwide. I was watching that game, and really wanted to see if Buffalo could keep their playoff run alive by winning this crucial game, and instead I got to watch rich people in stupid hats watch other people walking a bunch of horses around a muddy field for almost an hour before they started their 2-minute run. Shitheads…

On Friday, July 20, 2007 there was a full-page ad taken out in the USA Today newspaper by ESPN, Harrah’s Casino, and Milwaukee’s Best Light (*gag*) showing a huge picture of a smiling man holding up a watch and surrounded by what appears to be huge stacks of cash. The ad was congratulating Jerry Yang on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

Are you shitting me? According to USA Today’s own website, a full-page color ad on a Friday costs $205, 600.00. Yes, you read that right. Over 200 Large. They dropped 200 GRAND to congratulate a dude who plays cards for a living. ESPN covers a fucking card game better than they cover ice hockey. It’s a CARD GAME, not a sport. And the multi-day coverage of the Scripps National Spelling Bee? That was a kick in the balls to all hockey fans, thank you very much. Since when has SPELLING been an athletic pursuit? Most of those kids look like they were picked last for everything at recess and ended up spelling words like “prospicience” to fill their afternoons. (How do you think I learned to be such a good writer? It wasn’t by playing kickball in the schoolyard...) ESPN has even covered competitive eating and professional paintball. Grown adults get PAID to shoot each other with nuggets of lime green paint? Wow…and don’t get me started on Paper/Rock/Scissors. I feel the vein in my forehead twitching already.

Spelling is not a sport. Poker is not a sport. Eating is not a sport. Shooting your buddy in the nuts with a CO2 gun is not a sport. And, I assure you, Paper/Rock/Scissors is nowhere near a fucking sport despite what those assclowns at ESPN think. You have doping scandals in bike racing, steroid use is tainting baseball, football is chock full o’ crime, NASCAR drivers and crew chiefs keep getting fined and docked points for rules infractions, half the games in basketball are being called into question for points-shaving, and the only time hockey gets a mention is when Chris Pronger shows his ass again and does a shitty check.

We interrupt this blog to bring you exciting play by play coverage of the 2007 World Championship of Combat Tiddlywinks….