Defending Sixteen Candles

Okay…we all know I have a general disdain for The Huffington Post as left-leaning propaganda for liberals and buffoons, and by and large I refuse to read their articles on general principle. However, early last month an article at the HuffPo generated a veritable shitstorm amongst my peerage in the mid-40s age range when a near and dear part of our teenage years was crapped upon by a pretentious kid from upscale suburban New Jersey, 15 miles out of Manhattan.

The kid in question, Deryn Mierlak, is a junior at Montclair High School where she is co-editor of the art and literature magazine. Deryn writes fiction, poetry, and book and movie reviews. Now, when I was a kid we barely had a school newspaper, let alone an arts and literature magazine. Somehow she managed to get a piece published in the HuffPo that I will quote here, and submit my own commentary to. 

Hi, Deryn. I'm Steve. I wrote reviews and funny stuff for my school paper when I was a kid.. I was 15 when Sixteen Candles came out.

You see, it’s easy to go back and proselytize on a movie from a generation before yours but this is a movie that came out around the time I was your age. It was the product of a man who made the defining teen movies of my generation. You’ve trod upon sacred ground here, kid, and the natives are now restless.

Many people regard the 1984 flick Sixteen Candles as a John Hughes masterpiece and a classic portrayal of teen life in the '80s. Starring Molly Ringwald, the film follows sophomore Samantha Baker (Ringwald) on the day of her 16th birthday, which everyone in her family has forgotten due to her sister Ginny's impending marriage. Sam spends the day fighting off the attentions of the school nerd Ted and longing for the affection of senior hottie, Jake.

Well, I'm a teen experiencing the gritty reality of 2014, and as the thirtieth anniversary of the beloved movie draws nearer, I decided to watch Sixteen Candles to see how it measures up to today's standards. My results? Surprising.

Hey, Princess….in 1984 we thought our reality was gritty, too. Wait till you’re 45 and then look back at 2014 and realize how easy you had it, the same way I look back at 1984 and realize how easy I had it.

At first look, it was easy to love Sixteen Candles. The film retained a timeless appeal and wit that was completely charming. I loved the characters, from Jake's party-animal girlfriend Caroline to Sam's grumpy grandparents.

And yet, when you peel back a few layers of the movie, there were parts that seriously hindered my enjoying it at all. I've listed them here, so we can all reflect on how the times have changed since the idyllic '80s.

 Oh, yes, Professor Precocious. Let’s all reflect. Regale me with the wisdom of your decade and a half on this planet and the wealth of experience it has provided you.

Date rape

Maybe it wasn't called rape back then, but Sixteen Candles blatantly glamorizes non-consensual sex between a sober guy and a drunk girl. After a wild, raving party at Jake's house, his girlfriend Caroline is cripplingly drunk. Rather than drive her home himself, Jake hands Caroline off to Ted and tells his friend to "have fun with her." A close-up reveals that Caroline's dress has bunched around her thighs, leaving her underwear exposed. Later, we learn that Ted and Caroline have had sex, but Caroline doesn't remember much. Clearly, this is nonconsensual sex. Today, we would call that date rape.

You act like this small scene is the whole crux of the film instead of a kid lamenting her self-absorbed family forgetting her Sweet 16. This film was WAY more than this one scene.

A raving party? Raves hadn’t been invented yet in 84. They were still a good five years away from being spawned in Manchester, England instead of mythical Shermer, Illinois. Jake, disgusted with the way Caroline has trashed his home and acted like a twat, has Ted drive her home in return for keeping Sam’s borrowed underwear so that he can return them to her himself. He’s letting a nerdy underclassman drive home the most popular girl in school and originally offers to let him drive his Porsche. Unable to drive a stick, he instead ends up in Jake’s dad’s Rolls Royce. 

You’re mistaken on a couple things here that need to be corrected. Caroline’s dress crawled up as she was being placed in the car, not after the alleged rape as you seem to suggest. Rather than this being the go-ahead green light for Ted to verily sodomize her like a Jihadi on a goat, it’s more of a Holy Cow I Saw A Hot Girl’s Panties moment. And would a drunken lecherous rapist have the forethought to pull her britches back up for her after violating her? I kinda doubt it.

Jake does not just hand her over like a door prize and say “Have fun with her’”. He insists that Ted make sure she gets home safely and not just dump her somewhere. What Jake actually says is “Start the car and have fun”, by which he means enjoy driving the Rolls. 

Later we see Caroline and Ted trying to figure out if they had sex, and neither is really sure. Maybe, maybe not. Caroline is the one who suggests they did when Ted asks, and she insists that she’s okay with it, even saying she was pretty sure she enjoyed it. Now, Caroline is no pushover or wallflower. She’s a forceful, confident, controlled person and would brook no chicanery from a dorky freshman half her size. She ends up making out with Ted and even leaves Jake to date Ted. You may want to go watch that scene again, kiddo. I’ve seen the movie in excess of 200 times in 30 years and I assure you no one was date raped. 

Furthermore, Ted remembers damn near nothing of the events, yet you fail to mention that. You instead only mention Caroline’s lack of memory. This begs the question: when a man and a woman are both inebriated and they end up in bed, why is the man held responsible for his actions yet the woman is considered a victim instead of a drunkenly willing participant?

 Drugged up brides

Playing for the gag, Ginny is so overcome with menstrual cramps on her wedding day that she takes four muscle relaxers. Soon she's reluctantly stumbling down, incoherent. Nobody seems to mind that the bride is too out of it to meaningfully take her vows. Just like date rape, here we have another example of an incapacitated woman getting roped into something she's in no condition to undergo. Maybe it was supposed to be funny, but it was so overdone that it made me seriously uncomfortable.

Oh, sweet Jesus on a popsicle stick. Have the feminazis really indoctrinated you in the She-Ra Man Hater Club so early in life? Yeah, sure, all men are evil rapists seeking to enslave womankind. Get real. 

Ginny is a slag. She’s bitchy and snotty and self-centered and not even period cramps are gonna stop her from sinking her marital claws into her “oily bo-hunk”. Her character was written to be unlikeable, she’s played as unlikeable, and you’re supposed to laugh at her misfortune as her own shittyness ruins her wedding. It’s called Schadenfreude. You portray her like she was kidnapped by Boko Haram and married off to an Al Qaeda bomb maker in Helmand Province after being dosed with opiates.

CHEEEEEERS!

Is drunk and sloppy really funny?

 Again, the differences between 1984 and today: is drunkenness actually funny? Sixteen Candles sports many scenes involving drunk driving, drunk partying and even drunken sex. But as a 16-year-old in 2014, the constant intoxication just doesn't embody comedy. In one scene, Ted and an inebriated Caroline pose for photos, Caroline's underwear exposed and bra out. As the camera flashes, she looks confused and distracted. Now, that would be considered a crime, and watching the scene just made me wince.

Sweety, your generation is OBSESSED with taking half-naked bathroom selfies as you squish your mouth into a duckface or filming your thong-clad asses twerking with your tongues out like tarted up stroke victims. My generation didn’t have cameras in our phones with auto flash, auto focus, and instant Photoshop filters and editing. We had crappy Polaroid Instamatics with flash cubes and if you moved or blinked or the flash didn’t go off, you were stuck with a shitty picture. 

Unconcious in a field of cups. Kinda screams BOOZE.

A fake ID to buy booze and this movie made millions.

 Drunkeness is obviously as funny today as it was in 1984, because two years ago the film Project X outdid anything its predecessor Superbad did in regards to drinking, doing drugs, getting laid, and breaking multiple other laws and commandments and moral codes. Damn near every movie centered around teens made in the past 30+ years has featured a huge party scene and underaged drinking, rampant drug use, and more sex than a dinner at Ron Jeremy’s house. (For the record, Superbad had 22 awards nominations and 9 wins, and grossed over $169 million worldwide. Project X may have been raunchier but only did $54 million and had 4 awards nominations)

I enjoyed Sixteen Candles as a teenager who doesn't latch on to any morals, but as a thinking individual, I had serious reservations.

You left out a ranting diatribe on racism towards Asians. You left out an accusation of stalking because Ted pursues Sam. He may have even murdered her and stolen those panties as a trophy, because men are evil.

 Not even a peep about how Sam’s grandparents creepily felt her tits to gauge her pubescence? Come on now. Do I have to do all the work for you?

Oh, Fred, she's gotten her boobies.....

Oh, your uber-liberal teachers must be so very proud of you. You claim to not latch onto morals yet sanctimoniously look down your upturned nose at evil rapey men-monsters who are guilty before ever committing a crime. Thinking individual? More like a wet behind the ears pup regurgitating whatever crap you heard on The View in order to get a HuffPo by-line on your college app to Wellesley or Berkeley.

In all fairness, it wasn't the grownup HuffPo, though. It was HuffPo Teen, because the Left needs to indoctrinate them young when their minds are still pliant. 

Sixteen Candles was a comedy. It was meant to exaggerate and poke fun. It showed teen fears and angst and adult bad behavior and self-absorption. It showed people behaving badly and crassly. And it showed misfits finding love.

It's a classic. Your generation could use a John Hughes or two. Trust me.

A New Year, A New Blog

Yeah, I know. It's been a while.

I've been busy.

I'm back.

And my mission is still to point out the absurd and the inane and the blatantly stupid and call it for how I see it.

You've been warned.

The 12 Days of Lootsmas

Sing along. You know the tune.

On the first day of looting my homies stole for me a 60” HDTV.

On the second day of looting my homies stole for me two Yankees ball caps and a 60” HDTV.

On the third day of looting my homies stole for me three pair of Jordans, two Yankees ball caps, and a 60” HDTV.

On the fourth day of looting my homies stole for me four packs of rolling paper, three pairs of Jordans, two Yankees ball caps, and a 60” HDTV.

On the fifth day of looting my homies stole for me five gold teeth…..four packs of rolling paper, three pair of Jordans, two Yankees ball caps, and a 60” HDTV.

On the sixth day of looting my homies stole for me six Swisher Sweets, five gold teeth, four packs of rolling papers, three pair of Jordans, two Yankees ball caps, and a 60” HDTV.

On the seventh day of looting my homies stole for me seven Scarface t-shirts, six Swisher Sweets, five gold teeth, four packs of rolling papers, three pair of Jordans, two Yankees ball caps, and a 60” HDTV.

On the eighth day of looting my homies stole for me eight Four Lokos, seven Scarface t-shirts, six Swisher Sweets, five gold teeth, four packs of rolling papers, three pair of Jordans, two Yankees ball caps, and a 60” HDTV.

On the ninth day of looting my homies stole for me nine hair weaves, eight Four Lokos, seven Scarface t-shirts, six Swisher Sweets, five gold teeth, four packs of rolling papers, three pair of Jordans, two Yankees ball caps, and a 60” HDTV.

On the tenth day of looting my homies stole for me ten scratch tickets, nine hair weaves, eight Four Lokos, seven Scarface t-shirts, six Swisher Sweets, five gold teeth, four packs of rolling papers, three pair of Jordans, two Yankees ball caps, and a 60” HDTV.

On the eleventh day of looting my homies stole for me eleven gold chains, ten scratch tickets, nine hair weaves, eight Four Lokos, seven Scarface t-shirts, six Swisher Sweets, five gold teeth, four packs of rolling papers, three pair of Jordans, two Yankees ball caps, and a 60” HDTV.

On the twelfth day of looting my homies stole for me twelve Steel Reserves, eleven gold chains, ten scratch tickets, nine hair weaves, eight Four Lokos, seven Scarface t-shirts, six Swisher Sweets, five gold teeth, four packs of rolling papers, three pair of Jordans, two Yankees ball caps, and a 60” HDTV.

Ah, yes. The holiday season is upon us, and the Ferguson Grand Jury verdict came in just as the businesses destroyed by the August riots and lootings had just gotten back on their feet and as fate would have it, when stores were loaded up with product for Black Friday and the holiday weekend. Plenty of goodies to steal, because nothing honors the memory of a dead guy like stealing everything in sight and burning down your neighborhood.

Yeah, nothing says you care about your community like destroying what other people have. Now here we are in the midst of freezing weather and the pending holidays, and you savages have put dozens and dozens of people out of work by destroying their businesses.

What did that poor woman have to do with the death of Mike Brown? You just destroyed her livelihood, built by her hard work and with money she saved for years.

Every police car destroyed has to be replaced at the cost of taxpayer money, but you animals don't pay taxes, so what does it matter to you?

Not content with burning police cars, you then proceeded to torch a car dealership. Some of you vile cretins carjacked an old man, ran him over with his own car, and beat him with his oxygen tank. What the hell is wrong with you animals? Oh, that's right; it was just an old white dude so that's not racist, or even newsworthy.

And snitches get stitches, right? That's why 20-year old DeAndre Joshua was shot in the head as he sat in his car the other night as the riots started. He was rumored to have been a witness who testified at the Grand Jury hearings that exonerated Darren Wilson.

This violence was planned. It was per-meditated. Leaders of the local New Black Panthers were arrested days ago in possession of weapons while trying to buy materials to make pipe bombs.

Mike Brown's stepfather was filmed on live TV screaming for people to "Burn this bitch down!". Ironically his church was burned down by rioters. Days ago, a guy who was leading a "Fuck Tha Police" rally in Ferguson had his car stolen. Karma. Schadenfreude. Animals eventually turn on each other.

I take no joy in the fact that these people lost their son. I take no joy in the fact that another young man fell astray of the law and died as the result of his actions, but when you're high and rob a convenience store and then confront and beat a cop, it's hard to be overly sympathetic. Look, people, the Grand Jury, made up of volunteers from the community,and comprised of exactly the same racial makeup ratio as the community, listened to over 70 hours of evidence and testimony from over 60 witnesses and numerous forensic reports and exonerated Officer Wilson. But exonerated sure as hell doesn't mean he gets his life back. He will never work as a cop in Ferguson again. He'll likely have to move and leave the state in order to find some semblance of normalcy in a new location away from people threatening to kill him. As is, the New York Times is actively assisting those trying to kill him by publishing his home address so that vigilantes may more easily find him.

So out of a sense of fairness, here are the addresses of the Times reporters who are trying to get Wilson killed, courtesy of John Hawkins at Right Wing News and Charles Johnson from GotNews.

Bosman’s address 
5620 N WAYNE AVE APT 2
CHICAGO, IL 60660-4204
COOK COUNTY

Robertson's address
1113 N DUPRE ST
NEW ORLEANS, LA 70119-3203
ORLEANS COUNTY


And where is Al Sharpton? Where is Jesse Jackson? Shouldn't they be there in Ferguson to stop the violence? Aw, hell nawwwwww....they're off looking for the next photo-op. And where is outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder? He visited in August to make sure the race-baiting flames were being fanned to take attention away from his boss, so why not make one final appearance to threaten Wislon with Federal charges now that the state case is closed? It would take attention away from Lord Obeezy circumventing the Constitution with Executive Orders on immigration. But that's a blog for another day.

And if you missed my coverage of the earlier riots, go here.

To catch my coverage of the farcical funeral, go here.

Giving the Left a swift kick in the crotch: Election 2014

Ahhh, the midterm elections of 2014. Americans FINALLY woke up and realized the mistake they made in 2012 because they were too stupid to figure out the mistake they made in 2008 that we tried to correct in 2010.

Needless to say, the Republicans trounced the Democrats. The GOP took over control of the Senate, and made a bigger majority in the House. The Left lost several key state gubernatorial races and state legislatures. In all, the Red Tide done swamped the donkey party.

Here in South Carolina, we're so racist that we elected the only black Senator, something the Democrats seem unable to do. And because the Republican War On Women is such a big deal, here in South Carolina we re-elected our Governor, a woman whose parents came here from India.

My Governor is not to be trifled with.

Speaking of the War on Women, I think we can finally stop beating that dead horse. The carcass has no more meat on the flayed bones.

Joni Ernst won a Senate seat from Iowa. She's a combat vet and her husband is a former Command Sergeant Major with the Army Rangers. She is the first woman ever elected to Congress from Iowa.

Mia Love of Utah became the first black Republican woman elected to Congress. Her parents are immigrants from Haiti.

Elise Stefanik became the youngest person ever elected to Congress at just 30 years of age. She represents the 21st District of New York. Yes, deeply blue New York. Renee Ellmers defeated Clay Aiken (yeah, that Clay Aiken) in North Carolina. Being a celebrity is no longer enough of a qualification to be in Congress.

In Arizona, the results are still too close to call, but Martha McSally, who was the Air Force's first female combat pilot, could win her district.

In West Virginia, Shelley Moore Capito became the first Republican Senator elected out of that state in nearly 55 years, also becoming the state's first female Senator. And also in West Virginia, an 18 year old college freshman and fiscal conservative, Saira Blair, was elected to the West Virginia Legislature and thus became the nation's youngest lawmaker. She trounced her Democrat opponent 63% to 30% after defeating the 66-year old Republican incumbent in the primary when she was just 17. Kickin' ass and takin' names.

 
Of course, the Left will still claim there's a war on women since many of their women were defeated. Wendy Davis went down in flames in Texas after a dirty, ugly, sickening gubernatorial campaign. It's likely that Mary Landrieu will also go down in flames in Louisiana's Senate race. Kay Hagan was tossed out of the Senate in North Carolina. Sandra Fluke was beaten like a drum, losing her bid for a seat in the California state Senate by 22 points, to a FELLOW| DEMOCRAT.  Loser.....


Maryland, which has been deeply blue since I lived there as a kid for my first 14 years, elected a Republican Governor. Liberal Massachusetts elected a Republican Governor, as did Illinois. Yes, you read that right. Illinois. Seriously.

Arkansas, which gave us the Clintons, kicked out both Democrat Senators and the Democrat Governor and replaced them with Republicans. In Florida, Rick Scott was able to hold off a challenge from turncoat sleazebag Charlie"the Chameleon" Crist, who changes parties as the wind blows.

And the liberal leftist lapdog media? They lost their minds. PRICELESS...

So...now what? Lord Obeezy suffered an embarrassing Tuesday but still has two years left to continue destroying the nation.

Don't screw this up, GOP. Remember, WW2 went on another year after D-Day so the war ain't over just because we steamrolled the Donkey Brigade in the mid-terms.

Come out, come out, wherever you are...

As is my wont, every year I celebrate my gay friends (or as I prefer to call them, friends) on National Coming Out Day. You are who you are, and I wouldn't have you any other way. For some of you, coming out was easy and painless. For some of you it was painful and difficult. Some of you did it early on and some waited years. Some of you may still be waiting. Today is as good as any, you know...

This past week, the Supreme Court of the United States basically gave a tacit nod to same-sex marriage by deciding not to hear five cases concerning same-sex marriage, pretty much legalizing it in 30 states. Here in South Carolina, Probate Judges in several jurisdictions began taking applications from same-sex couples, but our state Attorney General blocked the licenses from being issued. Seemingly there was nothing better to spend taxpayer money on than pursuing legal action to keep people from marrying. I'm sorely disappointed in the AG, and I voted for the man.

Recently, a friend got married to the love of his life. They did it on a trip to New York City, not because of the romantic setting but because their home state of Florida doesn't recognize or allow for same-sex marriage. They could have opted for what is called a Holy Union but even though it won't be legally recognized at home they wanted something more, and why shouldn't they?

Here in South Carolina, voters amended the state constitution to specifically state that marriage is between a man and a woman. I voted against that. Despite my generally conservative and right-wing leanings, I fully support same sex marriage. Many of my friends are gay and are married. They have perfectly normal and wonderful, loving marriages. Many of them have been married a lot longer than I have.

Look, this isn't the first time I spoken out in favor of same sex marriage. If you're against gay marriage, don't have one. In no way, shape, or form is my marriage put in jeopardy by a gay couple tying the knot. The sanctity of marriage isn't ruined by same-sex marriage. That sanctity is instead ruined by people who take marriage way too lightly. However, we celebrate when the rich and famous hetero community ties the knot, despite the fact that celebs like, say, the Kardashians or Pam Anderson, or even iconic figures like Liz Taylor or Marylin Monroe, have 30-day marriages or collect spouses like some people collect stamps, but that's okay because they're hetero. Presidents like JFK or Clinton are no better, bordering on serial adultery while in office and making a mockery of both their marriages and the solemnity of the Presidency, but hey, they're straight so it's okay. But we deny the simple right of a marriage to same-sex couples.

The Kardashian Marriage Farce Fest:

Kris Jenner--Divorced first husband Robert Kardashian after 13 years, married Bruce Jenner a month later. Currently divorcing him after 23 years.

Kim Kardashian--Famous for making a sex tape. Has no other discernable talents. Married in 2000, filed for divorce in 2003. Married again in 2011, filed for divorce 72 days later. While awaiting divorce, gets knocked up by Kanye West. Currently married to West after a wedding that would have bankrupted most third world economies.

Kourtney Kardashian--On again, off again relationship with father of her 3 kids. They've not married.

Khloe Kardashian--Married in 2009 a month after meeting, filed for divorce in 2013.

Many who are against same-sex marriage say marriage is one man and one woman married in a church under the eyes of God. This has me wondering....if you folks reading this agree with that definition, then am I actually married in your eyes?

Some of you would frown upon the fact I am divorced, as is my wife. For this second marriage of mine, I was not married in a church, either. Rather, we got hitched in front of the plantation mansion at Boone Hall during the annual Scottish Games in full kilted regalia. I was not even married by a clergy member. My friend Jackie, a notary public, officiated. Our self-penned vows were not the traditional religious-themed vows found in most ceremonies. As part of the ceremony we did a Celtic hand-fasting (gasp! a pagan rite!) and we jumped a broom afterwards (gasp! More heathen rituals!)

So, by everyone's strict definition of marriage, I must not be married, despite that scrap of paper I had to quickly sign afterwards to make it legal? After all, it's that precious scrap of paper that everyone seems to need as proof of being married. So, seemingly, marriage is but a legal contract that binds us together as opposed to some religious ceremonial bugaboo.

But Steve, them awful homosexicals are an abomination against the sanctity of marriage betwixt man and woman and they make baby Jesus cry.....

Look, the Christian Bible is chock-a-block FULL of spurious forms of traditional Biblical marriages.

But Steve, if we alter the definition of marriage, who's to say people won't try to define marriage as a man and two women, or a man and a chair, or a man and a dog or a car, or that you can marry little kids? 


 It's already been done, people. In 2009 a Tokyo man married a video game character and a woman married a roller coaster. In 2007 a woman married the Eiffel Tower. Men have married life-sized dolls. A woman married a dolphin in 2005. In Islam, Mohammed was 51 and married a 6 year old. Muslims marry kids all the time.

How about we define legal marriage as being between two (2) consenting adults of legal age of majority regardless of gender, race, or religion? Works for me.

And before you Liberals out there pounce on the Right and start laying the blame our way, it was serial adulterer William Jefferson Clinton, President Slick Willie himself, who signed the Defense of Marriage Act into law.

That alone should nullify it.


It's 2014, not 1014. Come out of the Dark Ages.