Is that a gun in you're pants or are you just happy to see me?

Some people just don’t know when NOT to fuck up.

One of those people is Plaxico Burress, wide receiver for the New York Giants. He caught the winning touchdown pass in last year’s Super Bowl and has been a pain in the ass ever since. Just before the start of the Giants mandatory training mini-camp back in May of this year, Burress had said that he would not participate in the camp because he was upset with his contract. He attended the camp to avoid paying a fine but refused to practice with the team. Although he was slated to receive $3.25 million for 2008, Burress felt underpaid compared to other star receivers. After indicating that he might hold out training camp as well, he showed up but practiced very little, claiming his ankle was injured. Boo hoo.

Already slated to miss the Thanksgiving-weekend game against Washington with a sore hamstring, Plaxy went clubbing at The Latin Quarter nightclub instead of resting that leg. On Friday, November 28, the day after Thanksgiving, Burress suffered an accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound to the right thigh when his gun, tucked in the waistband of his sweatpants, began sliding down his leg. The injury was not life-threatening and he was released from an area hospital the next afternoon.

The following Monday, Burress turned himself in to police to face charges of criminal possession of a handgun. According to his lawyer Benjamin Brafman, Burress will plead not guilty, of course. It was later discovered that the NYPD found out about the incident only after seeing it on television and were not called by New York-Presbyterian Hospital as required by law. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg called the hospital actions an "outrage" and stated that they are a "chargeable offense". Bloomberg also urged that Burress be prosecuted to the fullest extent, saying that any punishment short of the minimum 3½ years for unlawful carrying of a handgun would be "a mockery of the law." Burress had an expired concealed carry permit from Florida, which is where he lives in the offseason, but no New York license.

Okay…here we go with some of my famous Life Lessons:

Hey, asshole, if you can’t drive on an expired driver’s license, what the hell makes you think you can carry a concealed handgun with an expired concealed carry permit? Just because Florida is pretty liberal with carry permit issuance and reciprocity concerning permits issued in other states, that doesn’t mean you automatically have reciprocity to your current home in New Jersey, or into New York. They kinda cover that shit in the permit class, genius.

Dude, in a city of over 8.2 million people, there are fewer than 8,000 concealed permits issued for New York City. New York City and New York State are restrictive but do offer concealed carry gun permits to qualified residents (ie: powerful, wealthy, politically-connected people) who show a need to be armed. New York City and New York State routinely issue concealed carry pistol permits/gun licenses to honorably retired federal, state and local law enforcement officers who are residents of the state. Last I checked, complaining wide receivers for the Giants aren’t in that category.

Also, who the fuck wears sweat pants to a nightclub? Oh, wait; you’re a famous person, and rules of dress codes for clubs do not apply. I know if my working-class lily-white ass showed up at a club in sweats I wouldn’t even be allowed into the doorway to use the payphone. And an asshole who just tucks a loaded firearm with the safety off into the waistband of any pants, let alone sweats, actually deserves to get shot. You stupid, stupid creature; you get no sympathy from me. You’re lucky you didn’t blow a ball off.

On Tuesday, Burress posted bail of $100,000. He is scheduled to return to court on March 31, 2009, to enter a plea. Later in the day, Burress reported to Giants Stadium as per team policy for injured but active players, and was told he would be suspended without pay for the remaining four games of the 2008 regular season for conduct detrimental to the team. In addition, the Giants placed Burress on their reserve/non-football injury list, meaning he cannot return for the playoffs. Burress is also scheduled to receive $1 million from his signing bonus on December 10, but the status of that payment is unclear. Bwahh-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Brafman made a statement over the weekend, though; typical lawyer bullshit legalspeak . Said Brafman: "We are in contact with the New York City Police Department and the New York City District Attorney's office, making arrangements for Mr. Burress to address these legal issues as early as [Monday]. He will responsibly address these issues in short order. He recognizes that there are legal issues that he's going to have to deal with and we intend to do this as responsibly and expeditiously as possible. He's not running away from this. He intends to deal with this responsibly and we hope it works out in the end and I would ask that the public, the Giants, the media and everybody else withhold judgment. He's presumed innocent, hasn't been convicted of anything and we have a long road ahead of us."

Dude. Don’t be a tool. Plead guilty. You fucking shot yourself while illegally carrying a gun in New York City. You already look stupid enough. Pleading not guilty makes you look like a schmuck. Are you going to claim a gunman was on the grassy knoll across the way? Will you claim Suge Knight was in the men’s room and opened fire for no apparent reason?

Yet another multi-millionaire sports star pisses away his career…or has he? Pacman Jones found a gig with Dallas after getting reinstated by the NFL (and has already been suspended again this season), and I’m sure some desperate team will sign Michael Vick after he gets out of prison. Burress will be back; about the only footballer in jail right now who won’t ever get signed again is OJ Simpson.

The U.N.--A Complete Body of TOOLS

Hey, look, it's Banky The Tool!



You have GOT to be shitting me.

If I were a taxpayer in Spain, I’d be rioting in the streets. Why? Because the U.N. Human Rights Council, long known for coddling some of the world's most repressive governments, threw itself a party in Geneva, Switzerland last week that featured the unveiling of a $23 million mural paid for in part with foreign aid funds.

Please...digest that little snack a moment, would you?

Spanish taxpayers paid for most of the sprawling sculpture, which has been compared to the Sistine Chapel (by people who are obviously on serious hallucinogenic pharmaceuticals), but around $633,000 came from Spain's budget for overseas development aid. The Spanish Foreign Ministry says the government is funding 40 percent of the costs, with the rest footed by private-sector donors. Of the public money, €500,000 euros (US$633,000) comes from a budget for overseas development aid and international organizations like the United Nations.

Spain's conservative opposition Popular Party complained that this means money was diverted from projects to alleviate poverty and boost health care in poorer countries, but the ministry insists the funding for the work was separate. The elliptical 16,000-square-foot dome full of bright colors and torn aluminum took over a year to produce. Yeah, a YEAR.

In a ceremony attended by U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki Moon, Spanish artist Miquel Barcelo told the press that his ceiling artwork reminded him of "an image of the world dripping toward the sky", but it reminded critics of money slipping out of relief coffers.

Ban praised the piece and thanked Barcelo for putting his "unique talents to work in the service of the world." The artwork will soar above the Human Rights Council's chambers at U.N.'s European headquarters in Geneva, which may soon undergo a whopping $1 billion renovation — but only after a $1.9 billion facelift of the U.N.'s New York offices is completed. Somehow I’m sure the taxpayers of the world, me and you included, are gonna foot the bill for this shit, too.

The mural itself looks like an acid trip. How in the hell can you spend twenty-three m-i-l-l-i-o-n bucks on what amounts to textured splats in whatever colors he happened to grab on a whim? He used 77,000 pounds of paint to decorate the hall, stating that he intended to create a grotto with multi-colored stalactites hanging from the ceiling that sums up his idea of the world; a planet-cave that brings together men and that goes into the future. Barcelo says the hall reflects “infinity and the multiplicity of viewpoints.” I could have done it for a lot less. Hell, he probably did it for about 3 grand and pocketed the rest offshore in an account in the fucking Caymans and laughed all the way to the proverbial offshore bank.

Why the hell are we still footing the bill for an increasingly impotent body like the United Nations? A bunch of mollycoddled diplo-dicks who owe the good people of New York millions in unpaid parking tickets and parade around safe in their diplomatic immunity whilst sponging off America’s teats and flaunting as many laws as they can before their home country recalls them.

The U.N. is a money-pit drain on our already-strained economy. Enough, already. Send their happy asses packing to The Hague. Let the bastards run amok in Amsterdam awhile, getting all worked up on the whores in the Red Light district after toking up a few ounces of ganja. The Dutch will soon be as fed up with it as we are.

This is the same U.N. Human Rights Council that didn’t say “boo” when the Olympics were awarded to China, despite China’s shitty record for human rights. The same Council called for Britain to give up their monarchy, ditch the queen, and start a constitutional republic. The same Council who impotently said, “Please don’t do that.” as millions were being hacked to death in Darfur and then expected the good ole’ U.S. of A. to deploy our troops and solve the problem for them. The same council that looks the other way every time some tin-pot dictator or regional despot starts ethnic cleansing his back yard and then cries for someone to act…usually that means sending in the US Army, along with Canadians, Aussies, and Brits, and a few scattered units from places like Pakistan and Sri Lanka, under the command of some French general, to drive around the boonies handing out food packets that get stolen from the refugees by thugs waiting in the bushes to kill them as soon as we drive off.

Way to go, U.N.; way to fucking go. Half the banks in the world are circling the drain and you shit away 23 million dollars on paint splats and metal shards. If we’re to believe Sally Struthers and we can feed a kid for 75 cents a day, then 23 million can feed that kid for about 7 thousand years. I’m sure the kids rifling through dumpsters around Buenos Aires can look at the corrugated tin roofs of their shanties and imagine brilliant colored stalactites. And that kid in the Sudan with the disease-bloated abdomen standing next to his brother who lost a foot to a land mine and his sister who got HIV through a gang-rape will truly appreciate that warm & fuzzy feeling you get at the U.N. from looking at “infinity and the multiplicity of viewpoints” that only 23 mill can buy you.

What the Deuce?

It pains me to put someone that I have long supported and admired into The Tool Box.

On a recent episode of “Family Guy”, Stewie, Brian, and neighbor Mort Goldman were all transported back to September 1st, 1939 Poland via Stewie's bedside time machine. Seeing as how Mort is Jewish, they needed to get out of there quickly, using tactics that reference movies like “Back to the Future”. At one point the gang has to wear Nazi uniforms to sneak into a laboratory. Stewie notices that his uniform also includes the added accessory of a McCain/Palin campaign button.



In the scene where the Nazis are invading Poland, the question is asked, “Why doesn’t America come in and help these people?”. Brian looks at the camera and replies “Because Germany doesn’t have oil!?!?”

Flaming liberal and devout disciple of Messiah-elect Obama, Seth MacFarlane contributed thousands to the Obama campaign and spoke at a rally for Obama in Ohio. I know that this is political satire, and that “Family Guy” often pushes the envelope of good taste by pushing the hot-buttons of pop culture, but this is a bit much. The inference that John McCain’s political policies, positions, and ticket are similar to the Nazi Party is bullshit. What is the basis or foundation for the comparison?

Y’know, if you think about it, Obama wants to nationalize a big chunk of the free market (socialized healthcare), restrict free speech (Fairness Doctrine crap), raise taxes, and confiscate guns. This stuff is all right out of Hitler’s little booklet, “Mein Kampf”. It's ironic, but if anyone is being “Nazi” (a contraction of “national socialist” in German) it's Barack Hussein Obama.

If the show is “an equal opportunity offender” as Fox Network claims should viewers expect, if not demand, that the same jabs be taken at Barack Obama? I wonder how MacFarlane will incorporate the same satire in an episode tossing some of his humor at Obama. Will he show Iranian fruitcake Mahmoud Ahmedinejad wearing an Obama button on his suit? I doubt it.

You’d almost think that MacFarlane would support a conservative administration that’s tough on terrorism, considering that on September 11, 2001 Seth MacFarlane was supposed to be on American Airlines Flight 11 that hit the North Tower of the World Trade Center. And if the past eight years of Bush’s economic policies have been so fucking bad, Seth, then why has Fox Studios taken in $385 MILLION dollars from DVD set sales of Family Guy, and Fox just gave you a new deal worth $100 million bucks through 2012. Looks like the Bush years were pretty damned sweet for Seth MacFarlane.

Sorry, dude. You do something Toolish, you get placed in The Tool Box…and it breaks my heart to do it, because I’ve been a big fan and big supporter, like during the dark years when you were cancelled twice and resurrected by fans like me. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Laugh all the way to the bank, but enjoy your Obama tax hikes too.

Drink Up, Bitches!

Barney Frank, why do I hate thee so?

I don’t hate Barney Frank because he’s gay. Get real. I’m a bit more enlightened than that.

I don’t hate Barney Frank because he’s from Massachusetts. C’mon, people, Boston is one of my favorite cities ever.

I don’t even hate Barney Frank because he sounds like a drunken version of Buddy Hackett…well, maybe just a little bit.

I hate Barney Frank because he’s a liberal Socialist who wants to re-distribute my money to asstard social-program sponges who think they’re entitled to a free handout from the Feral Gummint™. I hate Barney Frank because in a world full of people drinking Barack Hussein Obama’s bullshit-flavored Kool-Aid, he’s pouring glass after glass for the ignorant Sheeple. And I hate Barney Frank for wanting to cut defense spending by 25%...he may think that’ll help things out, but soldiers suffer when you cut a full quarter of their budgets. Soldiers die when you cut 25% of their budgets, the same soldiers who keep you and your cronies fat, safe, and happily redistributing wealth up on Crapitol Hill.

Piss off, Congressman Frank, and take your Kool Aid with you.

Two Tools For One Low Price

It is my firm belief that one of the biggest tools in the Tool Box “Tooliverse” is Sean John Combs, known by various & sundry alias pseudonyms like Puff, Puff Daddy, Puffy, P-Diddy, and, as of late, just plain Diddy.

Supposedly he was some minor talent producer back in the day, before the deaths of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G./Biggie Smalls (Christopher Wallace). After the death of Smalls in the Great East-West Rap Wars of 1997, Combs did what any record label owner and producer would do…he became a rapper himself. Laughing all the way to the bank, The Police allowed Combs to build a tribute song to Wallace around “Every Breath You Take”. Not content to just make a one-off tribute to a dead friend, he kept on recording. Based upon this, he turned hip-hop from a creative art form into trite lyrics wrapped around samples of real songs. I mean, why make your own beats when all the songs of others can just be sampled?

He had the balls to claim “we invented the remix” for a compilation of remixes of artists on his label… dude, trust me… Depeche Mode was releasing remixes before you hit puberty. People like Kraftwerk invented the remix, not you.

I’ve thought you were a tool for years, Combs. People who wear sunglasses indoors and at night are tools. And you, sir, seem to have those glasses welded to your face 24/7 like you were Geordi LaForge in Star Trek or something. At least you’ve seemingly graduated away from your signature uniform of monochrome white suit ensembles. It was silly when David Bowie did it in 1983, and it’s silly today. Only the Good Humor man dresses like that and gets away with it.

But from one blogger to another, you really jumped the shark to Uber Tool status with your YouTube Diddy Blogs. Your anti-McCain and anti-Palin rants are ridiculous. Saying that Palin is unqualified because her state has low crime and “there’s no black people” is a load of shit. Just come out and say that you’ll vote for Obama for no other reason than he’s black. God knows he’s got few enough qualifications of his own. Hiding under a sheet with a flashlight and saying Palin scares you is just childish.

You should be locked in a closet with Kanye West and see who can out-tool the other.

And speaking of your sunglass-bedecked Doppleganger….


Kanye, Kanye, Kanye. Yeah, you’re a tool too. I thought you had some talent when you recorded “Through The Wire”, but you jumped the shark and crossed into Tool City after “Gold Digger”…because after that you started to believe your own hype and went from an emerging talent to another “I Love Me Some Me” type.

I really get sick of hearing you bitch and moan when you don’t win an award. You bitched when MTV went with Britney Spears at the 2007 Video Music Awards to start the show, saying that your album was about to drop and that you were more important. Well, so was she, and really, her performance was a fucking train wreck of Biblical proportions and you later got to perform this huge spectacle medley of songs later on. And trust me, the big song you had at the time? “Stronger”? The only reason that song was even remotely listenable was because of Daft Punk. You had the audacity to rhyme “Klondike” with “blonde dyke” and act like it was Shakespeare or something. That weak-ass babble you’re spouting on that “American Boy” song by Estelle is some of the lamest shit I have ever heard. Rhyming “now now” with “ow, ow” is just fucking SAD. You could have gone on and on , with “toy cap guns go pow pow, how now brown cow cow, little tiny dogs say bow wow…” But the stupid dipshit motherfuckers who listen to Top 40 crap like yours eat that shit up like a fat stack of flapjacks at the IHOP.

Both of you can take your petulant smirks and 24/7 sunglasses and feast upon my taint. I wouldn’t see either of you perform if you gave free concerts from the rim of my toilet.

Geordi LaForge knows that these guys are tools...

Janice Dickenson: Supreme Tool

Why hasn’t someone taken a bucket of water & tossed it on Janice Dickinson yet? That vile, nasty bitch would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.

I don’t watch her show. Just from the commercials I can tell she’s a total bitch. She may have been a model 3,000 years ago, when Vogue was chiseled on cave walls and the pictures were stick figures done in charcoal, but now she’s this skeletal wraith covered in a polyviscose plastic shell, oozing hate and loathing.

I saw a recent trailer for her asinine show where she refuses to work with plus-size models, and calls a girl who is a size 14 “a whale”.

How cuntish. You’re a tool, Dickinson. Assholes like you are why women are struggling with anorexia & bulimia. Assholes like you are why there’s a size ZERO. I mean, what the fuck is a size ZERO? Like a 2 wasn’t tiny enough, you had to make a waif-size for underfed children? You people have the balls to say anything over a size 4 is fat?


Kiss my ass. You should be shot.

Riddle Me This, would ya'?

What in the Blue Fuck is this?

A spray-on tan, gelled up hair, a headband, a giant CZ ear stud, miniscule jawline stubble-track, and lips that look like a pastel asshole.


You, sir, are the quintessential douchebag Uber-Tool.

Popped Collar Tools

Popped Collars.

Why?

Dude, that shit went out in the late 80’s. It was lame when New Kids On The Block did it, the first time they were famous. It’s a relic, like the Members Only jacket and neon shoelaces.

So, for all you tools out there sporting popped collars on your Pimpercrombie & Bitch pastel pink polo shirts, or worse, layering your popped collars in pastel pinks and lime greens to set of your spray-on tans and hats cocked at angles (or worse, a visor worn UPSIDE DOWN), please just fucking stop it. You look like an idiot. Remember, “tool” only rhymes with “cool”.

So, please…just stop.

Welcome to The Tool Box

Welcome to The Tool Box.

Sometimes you have to let certain people know that they are, in fact, absolute and utter TOOLS.

Most of you tools are Hollywood types with over-inflated senses of self-importance that’s compounded by having an over-active mouth to tell us how great you are, how much you make, how dope you roll.

Assholes like you wear sunglasses all day and all night, indoors or out, in restaurants, in cars, on planes, in interviews on TV sets, in the audience at awards shows, and probably on the toilet too.

You’re the type who gets hospitalized for “exhaustion” when you work maybe 10 hours a week. People who WORK get exhausted, not people who get up at the crack of noon and eat 400-dollar salads washed down with Crys-tallllll and tabs of E. Being exhausted does not require a hospital stay; it requires SLEEP. The same for you asstards who get hospitalized for dehydration. Try drinking something non-alcoholic once in awhile….

Anyways, tools of the world, consider yourself on notice. I’m coming for you.