Saturday, September 10, 2011

Top 10 Signs You Watch Too Much "Swamp People"

I started watching Swamp People on The History Channel quite by accident.

Sure, I'd heard of the show, since if I'm home alone while Crys is working, or if she's still asleep, there's a 99% chance I am watching one of 3 channels on TV: Discovery, Military, and History. I never paid attention to the show's actual premise; instead I brushed it off as glorifying a bunch of redneck poachers indiscriminately killing gators and making moonshine to outfox the city slicker revenuers. Boy was I wrong...

I was sitting at my desk one Sunday about 3 months ago or so, probably playing Farmville, and had History Channel on as a default. Turns out they were having a mini Swamp People marathon and I started to listen in the background. Then I realized it followed various groups of legal alligator hunters during a 30-day sanctioned hunting season. I had no idea that in general these guys earn half their annual income during a 30 day span and that in order to do so they bust their humps at least 12 hours a day, seven days a week, for those 30 days.

By & large the folks on the show are infectiously likeable and after a couple episodes you're hooked. I watched 2 and a half episodes before Crys woke up and then ran to put it on the bedroom TV, saying "You gotta see this...".

A couple hours and we were still in bed watching.

We immediately set the DVR to record the new episodes and went hunting for the older ones in reruns. We'd record the new episodes on Thursday nights and watch them with dinner on Friday nights like a ritual. We gleefully caught the first season on another marathon day. Now we're in that sad state of limbo waiting for the next season, which is currently filming, because it's gator season again in Louisiana.

I began to question my sanity after I caught myself checking the Louisiana Department of Wildlife's website to see when gator season started.....and realizing what cast members were going to be affected by the recent torrential rains of Tropical Storm Lee, as the season in their part of the state started a few days before, whereas in other parts of the state it started a few days after Lee passed through. I fully expect the storm to play a major role in the first episode of Season 3.

That said, if you've been thinking that yourself or one of your friends is ripe for a Swamp People Intervention, here are the Top Ten Signs You Watch Too Much Swamp People:

10. You give a nickname to all of your foes in the Cajun tradition.

9. You know more than 5 recipes for alligator gar fish.

8. Instead of with "Hello" you greet people with "Kee Tah?"

7. You've asked your employer to adjust your pay so that you receive half your yearly income during the 30 days of September.

6. Your primary ringtone is Troy Landry singing The Alligator Shuffle.

5. You reward accomplishments with Zebra Cakes.

4. You randomly place French words into your daily conversations.

3. People no longer understand you without subtitles.

2. You have a bumper sticker that says "My other car is a pirogue".

1. Your answer to every conundrum is to "Choot 'em!!!"
Bonus: If you have a cast member as a tattoo, then you're so far gone that you can no longer be saved.


Amanda said...

I think that's that show my mom is always trying to get me to watch. She's hooked! I, too, thought it was about a bunch of redneck poachers, etc. Dammit. I already watch too much telly as it is. I may have to check it out now.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, that was funny! And I thought I was hooked on it! Is that your tat because if it is dude then you should actually make the pilgrimage. I myself bought the 2010 series off Amazon I needed my fix so badly. I was also very, very sad to hear that one of the brothers died, I think Glen. I feel as though one of my own family members just had a "goin' home'.

Steve: The Lightning Man said...

Nope...that is most assuredly NOT my tattoo. While I do have 8 tats currently, none are of TV figures. While I love the show, I haven't felt compelled to own the DVD's. It was Mitchell who passed, and my wife & I were both very saddened by his death. Interesting that you should call it "goin' home", as that is a traditional bagpipe song played at funerals.