Sunday, August 5, 2007

Get on Deez Nutz!

Living as I do in the middle of the Deep South, I see a wide variety of strange shit when it comes to the decorating of that ubiquitous mode of Southern transportation, the pickup truck. Folks just loves to be decoratin’ their trucks.

I have no problem with pickups that are used for their intended purpose, which is hauling oversized cargo, and believe it or not I actually don’t have any problem with pickups caked with mud to the doorjambs and loaded down with gear, because at least the guy is using it as it was intended. But when it has giant oversized tires and a lift kit and chrome everything, you know it’s all for show and that it’ll never see anything even remotely close to a muddy trail. That dude’s a poser. A poser with too much money.

A word to the wise: chrome brush guards and bumpers, and a bootleg cartoon Calvin pissing on something like a Chevy symbol or a number “24” just looks stupid. So does a giant window decal stating “Corn Fed”, “Cowboy Up”, “Redneck Rebel” and, of course, “GIT R DONE”. I eat corn too, but I don’t advertise it on my back window. If you truly go off-road, black brush guards make more sense, no? And lowering a truck is just plain fruity. Why take away the ability to carry anything heavy by making it sit 3 millimeters off the ground? It’s so much fun to watch those clowns crawl over a speed-bump at the mall.

It gets better.

Just recently I discovered something new and supremely ridiculous to decorate your truck with. As if there wasn’t enough already to bolt onto it, now you can give your truck nuts. Yep…TRUCK NUTS.

A cast-aluminum dangling ornament made to look exactly like a bull’s scrotum, designed to give your truck the uber-lame appearance of possessing a set of balls hanging under the trailer hitch. Truck Nuts (or Bumper Nuts) come in a variety of colors to match your vehicle’s paint scheme. I’ve seen white, red, black, and, of course, blue balls. I’ve seen chrome balls. And…..yup, you guessed it…..the obligatory BRASS BALLS. I about did a spit-take a sprayed Pepsi all over the windshield the first time I saw this phenomenon.

So, if you’re feeling testicularly-challenged, fell free to get on Deez Nutz. All the cool kids are doing it.

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