Sunday, September 23, 2007

Before She Commits Felonious Vandalism....

While everyone is complaining that Britney and Lindsay and Paris and Nicole are supposedly bad role models for our young female populace, another more insidious threat looms under the guise of a squeaky clean image. Carrie Underwood, the winner of Season Five of American Idol, winner of umpteen Grammy/ACA/CMA Awards, etc… is corrupting our youth. Who would suspect that an American Idol would be teaching our daughters to commit felonies? This criminal must be stopped!!!

Wait. What exactly are you babbling about, Steve?

I give you the song “Before He Cheats”, a crossover hit on both the pop and country charts. Carrie sings about a boyfriend who is out with another woman, a woman that she clearly looks down upon for her inability to shoot pool or drink whiskey, and she vents her rage by committing destruction to private property.

The chorus says it all:

I dug my keys into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel-drive;
Carved my name into his leather seats.
I took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all for tires,
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats…

Rather than confront her significant other in a rational manner and voice her displeasure at being stepped out upon, Miss Underwood instead brandishes a baseball bat and a knife and vandalizes someone else’s property.

According to Kelly Blue Book’s website ( a 2007 Dodge Ram SLT 1500 4WD, fully loaded with a 5.7 liter Hemi, has an MSRP of approximately $39, 230.00.

After having a key dug into the sides, a trip to Maaco for their Ambassador Paint Service will run approximately $1500.00 for the prep, painting, and clearcoating.

After having a name carved into the leather seats, they’ll of course need replacing. KBB listed leather seats on the Ram 1500 as being $910.00, so having them installed at the dealership, plus markup, will run an even grand.

Both headlights need to be replaced, at approximately $150.00 each.

And those slashed tires, well-- those Michelin LTX M/S - P275/60TR20 tires run you $252.96 each at Sears, or $1,011.84.

So, doing the math, that comes out to approximately $3811.84 before tax. Call the sales tax perhaps 12% and that’s $457.42. We’re in the neighborhood of $4269.26 now, fully depreciating the truck’s value by a full 11%.

Tell me that this isn’t worth a few nights in the slammer?


Anonymous said...

Do your research. Carrie has made a point to tell her fans she does NOT endorse the destruction of property. She's a classy, respectful woman who is a breath of air in an the media.

Please direct your attention towards people who ARE bad role models to the youth.

Steve: The Lightning Man said...

Oh for God's sake.....this was done tongue in cheek and was meant to be sarcastically funny. A shame that you're too closeted to see what was intended as humor. Blind followers like you end up on YouTube crying through your eyeliner about how mean we all are.

Randy said...

I recently was sitting in a hospital lobby with a friend whose wife was having surgery. The song came on the PA system (hospital was having a radio-thon) and the lady beside me began to sing under her voice. I told her that she was very scary.

Of course, it could have been a subtle message that the hospital was sending....

Anonymous said...

I always found a huge amount of irony in this song considering her other hit Jesus Take the Wheel.