Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Sure Signs You're Getting Old

This goes sorta hand in hand, tongue in cheek with the blog I posted yesterday...that one was serious, and this one, well, is typical me.

Sure signs you’re getting old:

•Looking “emo” makes no sense. Nor does wearing baggy clothes with your ass hanging out.
•Your clothes actually fit, and can segue from the workplace to a casual get together.
•When you see kids twirling glow sticks at a dance club, you want to shove those glow sticks up their asses. And the pacifiers. And the lollipops.
•You check out a hottie’s ass and then feel gross when you realize she could be your daughter.
•You check out a hottie’s ass and feel gross when you realize she’s your friend’s daughter…and that she hangs out with YOUR daughter.
•When and if you do go to a dance club, instead of going at 11PM and staying till 5AM, you go at 9PM and want to bail around 1AM
•Instead of just drinking all your money away & eating Ramen Noodles, you weigh the cost of a few drinks to how much grocery money you’re wasting, and you sure as hell can’t take grocery money out of the mortgage payment to cover it.
•Instead of feeling the aftereffects of the night’s festivities the next afternoon when you regain consciousness, such as sore legs or a headache, you’re hurting by midnight.
•You overanalyze the concept of Red Bull and Vodka as inane, mixing a depressant and a stimulant and therefore canceling each other out.
•You understand that Jaegermeister was conceived as an aid to ease your stomach after a big meal and not as an all-purpose ingredient in getting trashed.
•You finally have enough money to buy a sweet convertible sports car….and then realize that you’re now that sad, balding, chubby dork trying to look cool with the expensive four-wheeled penis extender that you made fun off in high school.
•You listen to talk radio in the car as you commute instead of blaring 140 BPM techno through the subwoofers.
•You own a mini-van complete with stickers proclaiming your kid to be a mediocre underachiever at JP Dillweed Middle School…and like it.
•You remember the phone as being a big chunky thing that was either black, puke yellow, tan, or avocado green and had a rotary dial, and are blown away that you can now talk on a Star Trek earpiece that’s hooked to the Dingleberry pocket calculator in your pants.
•You remember when you had to physically CHANGE the TV channels instead of programming a DVR.
•You remember MTV playing videos.
•You remember Britney Spears in pigtails, dressed like a hooker & lip-syncing her first single, instead of in a wig, dressed like a hooker and lip-syncing her new single.
•The only time you get to hear your favorite songs anymore on the radio are when some rap star samples them to repetitively mumble incoherently over.
•The only way to find a t-shirt for your favorite bands is to make one yourself or shop at vintage thrift shops.
•You remember a time when you couldn’t get a CBGB shirt at Target and had to actually GO there. Or… remember CBGB’s being relevant at all.

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